Andrew

The last few days have been a whirlwind of disappointment, anger, unbelief, and most of all, pain. I haven't blogged about it, as we had not told everyone, for various reasons, but we are pregnant. Or we were; not anymore.

At not far under 20 weeks, it's hard to believe that this kind of thing happens. But obviously it does. This is no longer a small developing bean; it's a baby. Really, because I could see it on the ultrasound. What we couldn't see is the baby's heartbeat.

I should back up and start at the beginning though. The last week or so, I've had a feeling I couldn't shake; an odd feeling, that can only be described as Mother's Intuition. (One of the doctor's in my practice told her medical student during this whole mess is that the only thing "for sure" in Obstetrics is a mother's instincts.) But I'm rambling, as I tend to do sometimes. Anyway, I went into the doctor's office this past Wednesday morning and told them that I was very stressed out, that I wasn't feeling right, and could they please just see me. They were very kind and worked me in with the nurse practitioner right then. The NP had a medical student with her, and both were very kind. The hopped right on the "let's hear that heartbeat and make you feel better" train. But it didn't happen. They both tried over and over to find the baby's heartbeat, but the couldn't, so they called one of the doctors in, and she couldn't find it either. After that I was taken to the ultrasound room, where it was confirmed that our baby's heart was no longer beating.

The kind of news, in and of itself, is hard to take. The fact that I was in that little room all alone, with only four strangers to hold my hand, made it harder. After a lot of crying, I composed myself a bit; at least enough to listen to the doctor's words; I had to be induced and deliver this baby. She also said that we also wouldn't be able to tell if the baby was a boy or girl.

And who goes to the hospital to have a baby and comes home without one? I've never even been able to imagine the grief a person goes through in that. But now it was my turn to live it. I tried calling Austin, but with him in class at Lackland AFB in Texas, getting him on the phone isn't always easy. I left him a voicemail to call me. When he finally did, almost two hours later, I hated that he had. How do you tell this kind of thing to someone over the phone?

He took it okay; he was upset, but his first concern was for me. I gave him the details and our options (which weren't really many as far as WHAT to do, only WHEN to do it) and we had to hang up so he could go back to class. We talked several times throughout the afternoon, and within a few hours, both my mom and his mom were helping out.

After a very long day and night, on Wednesday, I was able to talk to my doctor Thursday morning. He was very kind and reassured me that everything would be okay afterwards, physically anyway. I made the decision, with Austin completely backing me, that I would go ahead and be induced on Thursday afternoon. My hope was that the baby would be born that evening, well before midnight - as Annah's birthday was the next day. I got myself checked into the hospital, and things got started. My induction itself was pretty familiar...I've was induced my three previous deliveries. But as the time went on, it became harder and harder, both physcially and emotionally.

My contractions started really hard around 10 p.m., and I made the decision not to have any pain medication; I wanted to be completely alert and 100% there during the delivery. The contractions were just as hard and frequent as all my other deliveries, and I'm proud now that I can say I had a natural birth. However, the doctor had been wrong - it was very obvious that we could tell if it was a girl or boy. Andrew Gordon Lewis was born at 11:04 p.m. on Thursday, October 16, 2008. He weighed 2.3 ozs., and was 6 1/2 inches long.

I had two wonderful nurses, Christy and Lorane, who stayed with me the entire time of the labor and delivery. Lorane wrapped her arms around me and told me I was so strong. She also called the next day to check on me. Christy was open and honest about what would happen after the baby was born, and did all that she could to make me comfortable. More importantly, she treated Andrew's little body with the respect and care he deserved. I was able to hold him and take some pictures, and she took some pictures of us together. She even brought him back to me the next morning so I could say goodbye one last time before the funeral home picked him up.

I wound up having to have surgery to stop my bleeding; turns out that I was a little stubborn and took too long holding baby Andrew, and I bled a bit much. I was taken down to surgery, where my doctor performed a D&C. I'm fine, physically. There was some talk about me needing a blood transfusion, but things worked out okay, and I didn't have to go there, thankfully.

I was able to feel a lot of peace holding Andrew and looking at his perfect little body; he was so beautiful. I'm thankful for the knowledge that families can be eternal. Andrew was perfect, in both body and spirit, and I know that one day, we will be together again.

No mother should ever have to plan her child's funeral. But we have. Andrew's services will be Monday morning, October 20, at 11:00 a.m. He will be buried with my grandparents and great-grandparents.

Austin was able to get leave, and flew in from Texas early yesterday morning. We've been able to spend some time together and talk. The other kids have handled things pretty well. Matthew is taking things okay...we kept him in the know from the beginning. We told Jonathan and Annah today, and while Annah is still too young to really understand, Jonathan did. He kept telling us, "But I want to meet him!" It was hard...one of the hardest things I've ever had to do as a mother. This afternoon we'll take our children to see their brother's casket, and to make the final arrangements for Andrew.

I said it in a very recent post; life is short. Unfortunately, I just didn't realize how short it truly is.