Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work (and life) I go

As I've already mentioned, last Friday was my first day back at work, and after a long day, I was glad that I'd started back on a Friday so that I'd have the weekend to recuperate. Monday, however, started a whole new work week for me, and I wasn't quite as prepared as I thought I was.

My first class on Monday morning was difficult; I was caught off-guard by some of the slides in my presentation (my fault...I didn't even read through my lesson this weekend) regarding tobacco use in pregnant women and the results in their babies. It didn't in any way have anything to do with me and my situation with Andrew, but it affected me nonetheless. I had a hard time slipping back into my familiar bantering with the kids too...I just didn't seem to be able to pull it together quite right, and my grove was off. I left the class really down, and questioning myself as to whether or not I'd be able to continue doing this.

I had a break of a little over an hour, and I sat in my car for a great deal of that time just thinking....about nothing and about everything at the same time. I was really kind of out of it. But I made it to class on time, and was met by the kids with the warmest reception I could have possibly asked for. What is normally one of my hardest classes (just because of the sheer number of kids in the class - more than 40) turned out to be the brightest spot in my day. I was hugged by almost every child in the class, and after the lesson was over (it was kind of short because I kind of skipped over some of what I couldn't handle regarding the babies) the kids sat around with me and asked to hear some of my "war stories" from my days on patrol. They kept telling me how much they'd missed me, and how much they loved hearing me talk and tell stories about myself and my job. And I was finally able to remember WHY I love my job so much...and why I WANT to be there doing what I do.

So it was good, but it was also very hard; the whole week has been hard. I've cried several times when talking to some of the teachers about Andrew; they want to know his details, and I'm willing to tell them. As much as it hurts to talk about him, it is also wonderful, because he's my baby boy, and I don't have very much of him to share. It's funny, because I thought I wouldn't want to answer questions about what happened to Andrew, and now I'm almost offended when it's so obvious that people want to avoid talking about him. That's crazy, I know.

It's also odd to see how people look at me when we talk. They look at my face, but I watch their eyes wander to my stomach....there's been quite a change there in the last month. On top of the obvious fact that I'm no longer pregnant, I've lost quite a bit of weight. I can tell that they want to say something, but just don't know what or how. It makes me uncomfortable that they're uncomfortable, so I don't hang around long. It makes me long for the days when I actually avoided people after I started to show with Andrew...I didn't want to hear the smart comments about all the kids that I have, so I just avoided it when I could. But at least there was something happy about that, something that I looked forward to.

I ran into an acquaintance this afternoon at Walmart, and she kind of gave me a hard time about not coming around to see her (I know her through her job)...I told her it had just been a rough time and that I hadn't been out much or seen anyone. She didn't even know I'd been pregnant with Andrew, so I didn't feel the need to bring up his death...until she made a comment about how life was hard and it just needed to be handled one day at a time. It brought me to tears, and I told her about our baby. She was shocked, and caught by surprise, so the conversation ended pretty quickly and she went on her way. I felt bad about catching her off-guard like that, but I also felt good about telling another person about Andrew. Being able to talk about him openly is a step in the right direction...I hope.

After an okay day at work, coming home with my kids was difficult. I'd gotten a bit down, and they were all extremely hyper. I made alphabet soup for supper, thinking it would be fun, but apparently I was the only one that thought that, and little hands reached into the bowls and flung noodle alphabets and veggies all over the dining room. (Thank goodness for Bella and her willingness to eat ANYTHING off the floor!) Afterwards, Annah was overly tired (not sure she had a nap today), and Jonathan was on a rampage with his little anger episodes; he wound up pulling all the cushions off of the couch, so I put him in time out in his room. Unfortunately all that did was fuel his fire, and he DESTROYED his room, including pulling the linens off his bed and clothes out of the drawers. I still haven't put it back together completely. So by 7 p.m., I was ready for the little ones to go to sleep. Over an hour later, they were finally out, and now it's quiet here. Matthew is at Young Men/Scouts at church, and as soon as he comes home, it's going to be bedtime for this mental case.

So...there's my sad post for the day. I think I'm back in the saddle though...if I can stay at a slow trot and not get thrown off...I'll be okay.