Live life for the now

I went back to work today...it was a hard day. I came home completely drained, both physically and emotionally. But it was a step in the right direction.

It was hard to see and talk to people, but at the same time, it was good to see the familiar faces. I didn't plan it, but I wound up going around to each of my schools and talking to my kids and my teachers about what's happened. I began by letting them know I'd missed them all, then asked them if they thought I looked different. Of course, everyone replied yes. Then I went into a completely unprepared explaination of Andrew's death. I told them all that I'd had my baby, but that he couldn't stay with us, and that he had to go back and live with God. It was the simpliest and most honest explaination I could give them, and it was important to me that they knew the truth, because THEY are important to me, and I wanted to share Andrew with them in a small way.

I also told them that life is short, and that we never know how much time we'll have. I told them that it is important to treat other people the way that we know they should be treated, and tell people what you need to now...because you never know if how much time you'll have with them. I really feel that it's urgent to live life for the now, because tomorrow might not come. We have to live our lives the way they need to be lived, and love people the way they need to be loved....because life is too short not to.

All of the kids had all been very excited to hear that I'd had Andrew, but the news of his death hit hard. Most took it well...there were some tears, some very sad faces, and lots of hugs from them to me. And although I didn't know it at the time, one student in particular was very upset. I later talked to the teacher, and she told me how sad the student was that she'd made me cry, because as soon as she saw me, she had asked if I'd had the baby. I had to explain after her question, and she told the teacher that she never would have asked if she'd known I would get upset. The teacher explained to her that it wasn't her question, but the situation that had upset me and made me cry. The student, a very sweet girl, then wrote a letter to me that the teacher passed on.

"Dear Deputy Lewis,
It must be hard for you. Don't cry, you made me really open my eyes and see that life is too short and all the people that I hate I'm gonna be friends with them, because life is too short to waste time hating people. I'm gonna stop and follow my dreams just the way you did. I pray to God that your life goes good and for Him to bless your heart. Something good is coming to you. I love you Deputy lewis and you're going to be just fine, and I'm going to pray every night for you, I promise.
Love, J.K."

I was so touched...talk about tears. They ran down my face as I sat in my car and read her letter. I did so much crying today that I honestly felt that my tears had run out for a while, and I didn't feel like crying anymore. It didn't last long, but that's the first time I've felt that way.

A couple of other things happened today that contributed to my emotional roller coaster as well. The hospital called and said that Andrew's pictures came in, so I went and picked them up. I did a lot of crying over the beauty of them....I was reminded again how very perfect my baby was.

Being at the hospital reminded me that I wanted to talk to my two wonderful nurses that were with me when Andrew was born. So tonight, I typed up a very heartfelt letter to them and packed a small portion of the peanut butter fudge that my mom made for us, and went to visit at the hospital. Only one of them was on duty, but I was able to visit with Christy for a few minutes and hopefully let her know how much I appreciated her. I'll visit with Lorane tomorrow when she's working.

It was hard being back at the hospital where I was with Andrew. There were a lot of reminders. But it was very important to me that I let these ladies know honestly how much they meant to me, and how much they'd helped me during the most difficult time of my life. I'd already put it off for an entire month...it was time to do it. You never know how much time you'll have....right? Nobody knows this better than I do.

So...the day is done, and I survived. I won't say I enjoyed it, or even wanted to do it, but I did it anyway. I'm still doing my best with what I have....so again, my best will have to do.