A Christmas tree for Andrew

Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. This year, not so much. I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I haven't put my tree up yet; I say every night that I'm going to, and then just can't bring myself to get it out. It doesn't feel right yet. My plan has been to get it done before Austin comes home, but I'm not sure it will happen. I'm going to try though.

I did, however, go visit with Andrew today. I was able to spend some time alone at the cemetary (my mom kept the kids for me), and I just talked to him. I always feel closer to Andrew when I'm at the cemetary...I'm not sure why, but I do. So I visit often. Today I talked to him about my love of Christmas, and how I wanted to be able to do something for him for Christmas. So I took him a Christmas tree. It's beautiful, that tiny tree. Just like he was.

 

His little spot of ground has been tended to by the funeral home, and the sinking dirt has been filled in and the gravel has been put back on top. It's been so well taken care of in fact, that it looks like it did before Andrew was buried. Austin says it was fixed too good. It made me sad to look at it...even more than it usually does. Nobody can tell that he's there, and that hurts to think about. I'll be glad when his little headstone is in, so it can mark the spot for my special boy. He deserves the recognition. And I need it. Afterwards I went back to my mom's house and cried into her arms for a while over my baby boy. (Even at 32, when I hurt I want my mommy...)

So...the Christmas season begins, and with it comes the love that this time of year brings...hopefully the peace and hope will be there too. So Merry Christmas, my darling baby Andrew. I love you.