December whirlwind

I haven't posted lately for a variety of reasons. First of all, I've been extremely busy. Secondly, there's been so much happening that I feel overwhelmed and behind because I haven't posted anything. So then I get even further behind because I'm putting it off. How's that for productive?

Where to begin? I guess where I left off before. I was going to the firing range that day. Oh it was a bad day. And not at all what I needed. I completely lost it that day and had a total breakdown in front of everyone. I won't get into all the details, but here's the gist of it. I yelled at my supervisor following a comment he made to me. I won't say that what I said to him was out of line, but my attitude about it probably was. Then I had issues with Jonathan being in the after-school program while I was at the firing range, and they wouldn't let him stay. I finally got that worked out with my mom's help, and got back to shooting. Then I had a gun malfunction and totally got thrown off (as Kusco would say, it through off my groove) while shooting, and did horrible. HORRIBLE! Last year I qualified almost a perfect score. This year, I barely passed. And that was the final straw for me that day. I started crying, right there on the firing line. Right in front of everyone. And the instructor basically sent me home.

Why did those thing affect me so badly? I'm not sure. But it did. My emotions are still pretty raw, I guess, and it doesn't take much to set me off. I went home frustrated and cried the rest of the night. My poor children...how much more do they have to take of this?

Moving along....

Annah started running a fever the next morning, but had no other symptoms, so I decided to wait it out. They called me from school that afternoon and I had to pick her up, but she still seemed okay. Throughout the weekend though, she got worse. She started refusing to eat, and her temp kept going up. I had the Christmas parade to participate in with CHAMPS on Sunday, and my mom kept the kids. Annah really acted fine when she was there, but during the night her temperature got up to 104.5. It really freaked me out. I called in to work Monday morning and took her to the doctor right after getting the boys to school. And they immediately sent us over to the hospital. The reason? Annah had pneumonia.

What kind of mom am I? Geez...my three year old had pneumonia and I didn't have a clue. Worse yet, I'd just let it go and hoped that the fever would go away. Anyway, we wound up in the hospital with her on IV antibiotics for three days. Walking into that hospital was hard; it was the last place I was with Andrew. But I got passed it (I won't say I got over it, because I don't think I ever will), and was able to focus on Annah. She was doted on by her loving grandma and other friends, and wound up with puzzles, books, and stuffed animals galore. I missed a great deal of work, but it was necessary. (Oh, and as a side note, I've been advised by my job that I should probably talk to someone...I apparently need counseling. Since my life is falling apart at times, I'm an emotional wreck, and it affects me a lot - even at work sometimes. I don't have a reason or anything...my son died, my husband was gone for three months, my daughter was in the hospital...everything's fine, right? Why should I be a wreck?) She was discharged late Wednesday night, and we came home with her much better, but still having some recovering to do.

In the meantime, we were counting down the days til Austin came home. He was supposed to graduate from his training on Wednesday morning and get on the road shortly after. He called me at 9:30 Wednesday morning saying that he was on the way home. I was thrilled because he'd gotten on the road earlier than expected. We kept in touch all day on Wednesday; he got into bad weather as a storm moved across the southeastern United States, but he managed to keep driving. He stopped Wednesday night around 8:30 to spend the night at a motel, and at 7:00 Thursday morning, he called to let me know he was on the road again. While we were talking, my doorbell rang (I was screaming inside because someone was ringing my doorbell at 7 a.m. and Annah was still sleeping!) and when I opened the door while still talking to Austin on the phone, it was him that I came face to face with! Surprise! He'd actually graduated Tuesday afternoon, and left Wednesday morning around 2 a.m.!

Having Austin home helps the way things feel, but I'd forgotten that we've been apart for three months, and it takes some adjustment time when we're all together again. The normal craziness and noise of the kids gets to him easily, and he gets frustrated. All the things that I wanted to wait and do when he got home seemed too hard to get done once he was actually here. But we're all together again, and that's what matters.

We did manage to take the kids to see Santa last night, and go look at some Christmas lights. It made for a late night, but the kids enjoyed it, and it was important to me that we went.



Our Christmas tree is up and decorated. It took a lot to get that done. It felt wrong to put the ornaments on the tree...I kept thinking that Andrew will never get to do those things with us, and it was hard. But it's done, and the kids are happy with it. I'm glad we did it...I didn't want to, but it's important to them. It's important to me too...I just can't feel it right now. But things will get better. I've decorated more this year than other years...it's important to both me and Austin that the kids really enjoy Christmas this year; that they feel the Spirit of Christmas. It helps me too...this is usually my favorite time of year, and I want to enjoy it with my family. I want it to be perfect.

So, life moves right along. Crazy, wonderful, sad, happy, and every other emotion you can think of. And I continue to ramble on....