Working me vs. Mom me

I have to work - it's a fact that I've just had to make myself face. So every morning, I get up, put on my uniform and gun (have I mentioned that I'm a Deputy Sheriff?), and walk out the door, leaving my kids at home with my husband. On a rare occasion, I have to get the kids ready and take them to a sitter, but it only happens once or twice a week. You see, my husband is a firefighter who works 24 hours on/48 hours off, and we work such opposite shifts that there's usually one of us that can stay with the kids while the other is working. My husband jokes that he's a Stay At Home Dad, but it's very close to the truth (he spends more waking hours with them than I do), although in reality both of us spend about the same amount of time at home with the kids...my time just happens to be at night and on the weekends.

Most days I can handle the fact that I have to leave them - they're being taken care of and as a bonus, I like my job (most days anyway). Don't get me wrong - I really would like to stay home with them all the time, but right now, I know it's just not possible. But then there are days like today that I constantly find myself saying "I sure wish...," or "I wonder what Annah and Jonathan are doing right now." (Today is especially hard, because Annah-bug is sick with Strep, and I really want to be taking care of her.) Lots of the time I think of myself doing all the fun stuff I picture Stay At Home Mom's doing....playing with Play-doh, blowing bubbles, fingerpainting, coloring pictures, reading books....and then I realize that on the days that I'm off work, I never do that kind of stuff with them, instead spending the day trying to catch up on laundry, making beds, taking out trash, cleaning out the van, or one of the other fun chores on my daily to-do list, cramming in an occasional book or building a block house in between chores. Would it be different if I was a SAHM? Would I become organized enough so that I had all my chores done and have time to play with the kids as well? I'm not sure. I'm not a very organized person. But maybe, just maybe, I'd become that way....at least enough to achieve the picture perfect SAHM image I have in my head.

I've decided though, that even though I can't be a SAHM, I can do things to become a better mom. I can let my kids play in the bathtub longer, and won't get mad that they're splashing water everywhere. I can play with Play-doh or color at the dining room table with Jonathan. I can cuddle with Annah before going to bed, or I can help her stack blocks until she loses interest. I can read books to both of them, and I can read with Matthew some of his Harry Potter books, or participate in endless creation of making and coloring "spinners".

I'd love to be the mom that MY mom was. I well remember her coming to my kindergarten class making Christmas wreaths out of green colored frosted flakes and melted marshmellows. I remember her participating in the "Storybook Parade" when I was in 1st grade. There are endless memories I have of the things that my mom did that have made a huge impact on me...little things that have shown me the kind of mom I want to be to my own kids. But I guess, right now anyway, that I can't be that kind of mom. My mom is that kind of mom....I'm someone else. For today anyway, my dream of being "that kind of mom" is just that; a dream. But that's okay; I still have plenty of time left - and who knows what will happen tomorrow.

So today, I'll work for a while, then I'll go home, clean house, cook dinner, and do the countless other tasks that need to be done. Then maybe I'll get out the play-doh, or read "How do dinosaurs learn their colors?" (Jonathan's favorite book right now), let the kids splash around in the bath, and maybe I'll even sit down and play some playstation with Matthew (gotta learn to to work those controls though...they're a far cry from the original Nintendo that I had growing up!). And while doing all of that, I'll develop my own style....I'll be my kind of mom.

Words from Jonathan

Every now and again my kids do something that totally amazes me. Not that they don't amaze me all of the time, but you know what I mean. Today was one of those moments.

I'll back up a bit and say that Jonathan is my middle child - he's almost three now. And when I say "middle child", I mean it in every sense of those words. He truly is a middle child. His behavior is the very definition of it. I've often said that Annah, who is our baby, is our reward for having Jonathan. Of course I mean that jokingly....kind of. She's just so good. Quiet. Managable. Calm. Jonathan is the very opposite of her; he's loud, totally unmanagable, and completely off the chain. But he's fun - most of the time anyway.

Anyway, getting back to the point....Jonathan has a problem articulating his words. He has, what most people would say anyway, a speech delay. Dont' get me wrong...the kid is extremely bright....and I'd say that even if he weren't my own child. But a lot of the time he spits out this huge string of words and I just look at him and say, "huh?" Lots of people don't understand him, and I find myself translating a good deal of the time. "What did he say?" "He said....(insert whatever here)."

So this morning when we were getting ready for his speech therapy appointment, (don't get me started on that - I found out today that she's not even a real speech therapist! But, she's a nice lady.) he was walking around stalking me and his sister....I'd just combed her unruly hair, and Jonathan obviously noticed it. He looked up at her and said so clearly and so lovingly, "Annah-baby pretty!" (Notice he calls her "Annah-baby" - it reminds me of the movie "A league of their own", where one of the ladies calls her son "Stillwell, angel".....)

Now I've never taught him those particular words intentionally. Certainly I tell Annah all of the time that she's a pretty girl, my princess. But for my almost three year old to recognize it, understand what it means, and to blurt it out so unprompted was really remarkable.

Yep...the kid's smart. Speech delay my behind....he's simply waiting for the right moment. He sure spotted one of those moments this morning.

Beginning to ramble....

I've never really understood why people have blogs. Is it just a natural desire to talk about one's self? Perhaps. Maybe it's just because people have something to say, and by gosh, they want to just get it all out there. Of course, myself, I am pretty quiet; closed-mouthed, as some would say. Well....maybe I have a FEW things to say. Oh heck, you got me - I love to talk and let my opinion on stuff be known! So....I got a blog.

I'm not sure what I'll write about. Maybe I won't even write anything after today. But at any rate, here's my blog.