Sane again....for the moment!

We have a heartbeat! I'm so excited I can't stand it. But let me back up.

I had a doctor's appointment at 1:30 today. I got there early, in hopes that I'd be seen early, but no chance of that. It was 2:15 when I finally went back to see the doctor, and I was a mess. My blood pressure was up when they took it (big surprise!), and I was on the verge of tears. I started crying when we walked into the ultrasound room...that was where I'd found out that Andrew had left us. But it was about THIS baby today. I was terrified that Dr. Brown wouldn't be able to find a heartbeat, but it was obviously there. I could even see it myself on the ultrasound. I started crying again, and Dr. Brown told me to take some deep breaths, because he couldn't measure bouncing babies. I think I might have laughed a bit at that point.

He did his measurements, and I'm due on September 19. If it's like before, with Annah, they'll induce two weeks early, as I tend to have big babies. So probably around the 5th is when I'll deliver. I have hope that this baby will be fine....and I'm going to try hard to hold onto that hope. I'll be going back to the doctor every two weeks; Dr. Brown will treat me as "high risk" this time, because of Andrew. So my next appointment is on Friday, February 13. Laugh if you will...but as I told the nurse when she asked if it was okay to make my appointment for Friday the 13th, really...what WORSE could happen than already has? So...I'm not superstitious.

I'm feeling pretty good right now....some morning sickness has kicked in, and I am thankful for it. It helps me to remember that this is real, and not just a hope or dream. So...I'm keeping my sanity for the moment. But you never know when it will kick back into total panic!

Just when you thought it was safe to read my blog again...

...I go and say stuff like what I'm about to write.

But I'm pissed. Just in general. I'm angry because I don't have my baby boy with me; I went looking for a blanket for the new baby the other day, and cried in the isle at walmart because I found one like Andrew's. I'm angry because Thursday isn't getting here fast enough - it's my first ultrasound, where I'll get to see if this baby's heart is beating and if everything looks okay; where I'll get to see if things are going right or if I've in some way screwed it up again. I'm angry because I feel completely and utterly alone. I'm angry because people aren't compassionate enough when things are going on in my life that they can't possibly understand, and they don't even care to try. I'm angry because I can't seem to pull myself together. I'm just angry.

Now everyone can go back to thinking I'm nuts again.

Do a little dance....

Back in the fall, I tried to sign Annah up for dance classes at the college here. Unfortunately, they weren't taking anymore students at the time. They do a major production of The Nutcracker each Christmas, and costumns had already been ordered and classes had been closed to new students. I was disappointed, but the timing actually worked out. However, they told me to call back in January to see if there were any available spaces, since people tend to drop out after The Nutcracker.

So a few weeks ago, I managed to get Annah into one of the few available spaces in the Creative Movement class (pre-ballet), and she was thrilled! And so was I. Seeing her all dressed up in her dance clothes and so eager was exciting for me. She loved her first class, and it turned out that one of her friends from daycare is in her class as well. I was worried about her being shy, but the teacher said she did wonderful.

There will be a Spring Recital in May, and if she sticks with it (and I don't see a problem with that!), she'll be one of the baby mice in The Nutcracker at Christmas. (just as a reference, HERE is one of the previous baby mice from 2007 off of the website - you can see more at dance.gcsu.edu)

So....here's my girl, in all her ballet beauty!

 

Moments of panic?

Not really outright panic, but concern. I'm pregnant, but not at all sick. No morning sickness, no overwhelming tired-ness, no symptoms at all. Why can't I be happy about that? Perhaps it's because I WANT to be able to feel SOMETHING. To have some reassurance that everything is okay with this little one. I'm ready for it...I need it.

I have a doctor's appointment on the 29th; Dr. Brown has scheduled an ultrasound to get a glimpse inside and make sure that little heart is beating as it should. It's only five days away, but it will be a long five days - five days seems like eternity right now.

Anyway....I'm sure I'll spend the next 7 1/2 months, off and on anyway, stressing out. Right now though, I'm just focused on getting through the next week.

Huh?

Here's a random conversation between me and Jonathan last night:

Me: "It's bedtime....let's go."

J: "Can you fix me some chocolate milk?"

Me: "Sure, where's your cup?"

J: "I left it in my sleigh."

Zoo-rific fun!

We had a fun filled day at Zoo Atlanta yesterday; after an interesting drive there, (we tried out my new GPS and followed the route that it gave us - even though we knew there was a better way - and wound up right in the middle of thug-ville!) we arrived around 11:30 a.m. - just in time for everyone to be hungry. However, the first cafe that we came to was closed, so we visited with all the animals on the way to the main cafe in the center of the zoo. It was a cold, cold winter day, but it was kind of neat to all be bundled up in our jackets, gloves, hats, and my scarf. The air was crisp and we were all alert to the happenings at the zoo.

A good many of the animals weren't out, due to the cold weather, but we visited the giraffes and zebras, who Jonathan named Melman and Marty. The hippos weren't around either, and Jonathan and Annah were disappointed that they didn't get to see Gloria (all of the names came from the characters in Madagascar). But after a fun, grease-filled lunch, we ventured over and visited with Tara the elephant, whom Annah fell in love with. (She was very impressed in the pedicure that Tara was getting from the zoo keepers; her new goal in life is to be a vet and help animals, so this was right up her alley!) We also visited with the lions, but sadly, the big male lion (who Jonathan was already calling Alex) was nowhere to be found. We were able to see a couple of the females and cubs, which was fun, but it was disappointing not to see the big guy.

After a stop at the petting zoo, where Matthew, Jonathan, and Annah groomed some of the goats, we made a trip to the gift shop, then bought tickets to take a ride on the zoo train. We had a couple of tickets left over, and Jonathan and Annah rode the carousel. Matthew, being too old and too cool for the carousel, chose to climb the rock wall with his second ticket. After seeing how much fun Matthew was having, Jonathan wanted a try at it. So we bought another ticket and let him give it a go. And he really did pretty good!

All in all it was a fun day. We now have a year long membership to Zoo Atlanta, so we'll be heading back in a while for another fun-filled day!

An amazing thing...

I have an older brother; his name is Eric. I haven't seen or talked to him in more than five years. He up and moved and didn't tell anyone anything and I haven't had a clue as to what's been going on with him or even if he was okay. He's never met Jonathan, didn't even know about Annah, and had no clue about Andrew.

But a while back I was able to get some information that may or may not have been correct on where he could have been living. I wrote down the address, but never went any further with it. This has been probably a year or more ago. I guess I just lost the motivation to do anything with it.

Anyway, we went to the zoo today, and on the way home, I was kind of in a funk....just really quiet, thinking about Andrew and this baby....nobody was talking or anything, and then all of the sudden Eric was in my mind and the thought came to me with the name of the road that he lived on. Without even thinking about it, I grabbed my GPS that Austin gave me for Christmas and put in the road name. I didn't know the street number or anything. And it turned out that the exit off the interstate was .4 miles from where we were. I said, "Austin, I want to do something."

We got off the interstate and started following the directions. It was WAAAAAAAAY out of our way, and I kept saying, "This is crazy. I know it's crazy." I had no clue what house number I was looking for or anything. I was just going in blind. I knew that my brother used to drive an 18 wheeler, but that was years and years ago, and I had no clue as to what he was doing now. I told Austin that we'd just go looking for an 18 wheeler parked in a yard on that street.

On the way, I started praying that if the Lord wanted me to find Eric, that he would show us the way, that he would guide us, and that if we found him, that I would say what needed to be said. When we found the street, there was nothing there to give us any clues as to which house we were looking for. No 18 wheelers, no vehicles like I remember Eric's looking. I saw a vacant house and thought that that was probably the one, since it's been so long since I found the address in the first place, and I began to get disappointed.

After driving up and down the road a few times, Austin stopped and asked me what I wanted to do. I couldn't even think. We were so close. There had been a couple of kids outside one house, and Austin started towards them to talk to them, but they got in a truck and left as we were getting closer. There was a man that was walking his dog though, and Austin pulled up and asked if he knew my brother. He didn't know the name. But he did know that someone who drove an 18 wheeler lived a few houses up, and pointed out the house. We drove back up to that house and I got out and went and knocked on the door. A man that I didn't know answered, and I apologized for bothering him, but asked if Eric lived there. He said no, that he lived next door. Confirmation!

I literally skipped from one house to the next and knocked on the door. A woman answered the door and I asked if Eric was home. She looked at me very oddly and didn't answer. I couldn't blame her....here I was a stranger, a woman, asking for who was probably her boyfriend or husband. I said, "I'm his sister."

And she gasped. She asked, "The one that's the police officer?!?" And I said yes. She invited me in, and said that he wasn't there, but she grabbed the phone and called him. She said to him, "I've got someone here that wanted to see you,"
and she handed me the phone. I said, "Hey Bubba. It's Stacy."

He said, "You're kidding me!" And I said, "No, I'm not." He asked how I'd found him and I told him I was good at my job. We talked for a few minutes....I told him that I wasn't sure if he was going to be angry when I came, since I didn't think he WANTED to be found. He said that he'd had a lot of stuff happen and that he's a very private person and didn't want to talk about and answer to what had happened. I told him that was fine, but that we all had bad things happen to us, and that we're family and I wanted him in my life and in my children's lives. He told me it was good to hear my voice and that he thought about me a lot.

We didn't talk long, but it was good. I couldn't tell if he was angry or happy I had found him.....he just sounded shocked. He promised to call me tonight when he got home from work, and told me to leave my number with his girlfriend Tabatha. I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too, and we hung up. Tabatha wrote down all of their numbers for me (home, cell, work cell) and hugged me and said it was really good to meet me, and that Eric had talked about me before and she'd seen pictures of me and Matthew. So I know he cares at least a bit.

I don't know what will happen. He might not ever call. He might disappear again. But he's my family, and I love him...and I'll keep doing whatever I can to have him as part of it.

Well, in case you haven't heard...

I'm excited. I'm also terrified. But I'm trying hard to have faith that around the middle of September this year, we'll be bringing home a sweet little part of Heaven. It won't be an easy pregnancy; I've already had some spotting, but I'm hoping that that will be the worst of it. But my concerns are more emotional at this point....I can't seem to do anything without way overthinking the possible harmful effects that things could have on the baby. Physically, I'm feeling pretty good, and that's normal for my pregnancies, at least at this point. So I'm just hanging in there, trying hard to keep the faith.

A friend said yesterday, after congratulating me, that maybe this would life my spirits. I'm sure it will, but not in the way she thinks. I wonder how many people will think of this baby as simply a replacement for Andrew - as if that could ever happen. Having another baby will never ease the ache in my heart over Andrew's death. But the desire to have a baby in our lives and in our home didn't go away with our loss of Andrew; if anything, it increased. Andrew's death taught us to love in different ways...and I know that Andrew is smiling down at us, thrilled that he is going to be a big brother.

So...there's our news. Keep us in your prayers friends....we need them.

One day

Jonathan is such a deep little boy. There are times that he amazes me with the things he says. He can be funny, serious, and downright bewildering at times...but this conversation is one that I'll never forget

J: "Daddy? When is One day?"

Austin: "One day? You mean Wednesday?"

J: "No, one day."

Austin: "One day?"

J: "Yeah, One day. You said that One day I'll get to meet Andrew and be with him and I just want to know when One day is."

Weeeeeeeeee! I mean, Wii!

Yep...we got one for Christmas; a Wii. Don't just to conclusions....I'm cheap, and I'd probably never spend that much on a game system; my mom gave it to us! Knowing that was her plan, I bought the Wii Fit for us for our family gift. And let me tell you, I've been having a blast! Have I mentioned though, that my butt muscles hurt?

I've been working out on it the past few nights, and really enjoying myself. It doesn't FEEL like exercise when you're actually doing it, but dang if my body doesn't disagree a few hours later. Hopefully I can keep it up, and shed some pounds in the process.

Everyone else is enjoying it was well. Matthew has a new skateboard game that he likes, along with several others. Jonathan's favorite, along with Austin's, is Lego Starwars, The Complete Saga. And Annah really likes her "vet" game....Petz, Wildlife Vet. As a family, we like Mario Kart, and have races together pretty often. I'm impressed that we can play four people at a time...it's fun to play all together. I want to get a new Miniature Golf game that we can all play next...that should be fun.



So I've become a Wii enthusist. I rave about the dang thing. But it's just so stinkin' fun!!! So, I'll admit it. I'm a Wii junkie.

Rambling thoughts

I had a conversation with a good friend today that made me think, and made me feel good at the same time. She told me that she'd been enjoying reading my blog. As we started talking about my little online journal here, I told her that it definitely reflects my mood each day, and that I knew there were people who didn't care to read about my down moments, but that I had continued my blog because it's for me. My dear friend set me straight on a few things then. She told me that she was glad that I was still writing, because not only does it help me, but it might help someone else. Someone who's going through the same things that we have, but feels so alone. I know that feeling, and I wish I'd had someone else's past thoughts and feelings, however insane they might have been, to help me to not feel so alone. So thanks Chris...you helped me today.

It was also a hard day at work. I don't do a lot of patrol duties anymore, but since the school kiddos don't go back to classes until tomorrow, I'm willing to help out when I'm needed. Today was one of those days. We had a murder/suicide in our little community. I certainly can't go into the details, but it was hard. As I stood by helplessly trying to comfort the overwhelmed mother of the deceased young woman, while at the same time preventing her from getting out of control and re-entering the scene of the crime, I thought of how I could relate to her losing her child. To having them gone so quickly, without warning, without the chance to say goodbye. And suddenly I was thankful. Because I know that my Andrew went back to our Father in Heaven peacefully. A still, quiet passing; not one of anger and horror and fear that this girl must have experienced. Each day I recognize one more blessing of the situation of losing Andrew...I think today's realization hit me the hardest of any one yet. So now I give thanks. And I pray for the families of both of the young people in this tragic situation...they certainly need it.

Happy New Year!

2009 came in for us, not with a bang, but a whisper. But it was good. We didn't make it til midnight to see the New Year come in, but that's okay. I went to bed with Annah, Austin layed with Jonathan until he fell asleep watching Star Wars (then stayed up half the night playing the Wii!), and Matthew stayed up playing his PSP.

On New Years Day, we went to my mom's house for our traditional New Years Day lunch, consisting of blackeye peas, hog jowl, greens (yeah, I didn't eat any...no wonder I never have any money!), rice, and cubed steak in gravy, along with cornbread. Afterwards, we played outside - despite the freezing temperatures - with the boxes of "poppers" that Mom found stashed away. We had an all-out war throwing them at each other, and even Annah got in on the fun without being afraid. Afterwards, we played on the "Monkey Swing" that's been a fixture in my Mom's yeard since I was a small girl (the seat has been changed many times....the rope never has, to my knowledge anyway). We also had a grand time throwing leaves at each other. Somehow Matthew ended up with a ton of them down his pants, and had to wind up going into the bushes and taking his pants off to get them out....all the while giving Austin the opportunity to stuff even more leaves into Matthew's jacket!







All in all, it was a good start to the year. Look out 2009....here we come!