Would you like some cheese with that whine?

I have come to realize that I have become somewhat of a complainer. Sorry about that. I just realized it, so if it takes me a while to revert back to NOT complaining so much, please forgive me. I don't try to complain, really I don't. There are people here, and all over the place, who have it way worse than I do, and they don't whine, so what gives me the right? So instead, I am going to focus on the blessings I have.
1. Health. Okay, so it's not the greatest, but I am able to be alert and active (for the most part) and do things with my family. I am not stuck in a wheelchair, and I can get up and move at will. Since I WAS in a wheelchair some while I had chemotherapy, I can make this comparison well, and let me tell you it stinks. So being able to walk and move is great. I can carry Jacob and I can play with the other kids. I can stand and make meals for my family. I can do most everything a normal person does.
2. Family. They are so wonderful. Every single person in my family loves me and I love them, and that is the biggest blessing I have. To try and describe the blessings of having my family is impossible, so I'll leave it at this. Mine is better than yours. Gotta be. :)
3. Nature. Have you looked outside lately? Yes, it was 80 degrees last week in December. And although that's not the optimal temperature, it's still beautiful. Today the sun is shining and it's cold, and I only have a block to walk to get to Hollings from Hope Lodge, so I'll enjoy it.
That's only three things. But it's three good things, and three things I'm not complaining about. So it's a start.

I don't think. Or I try not to.

Another friend went home from Hope Lodge. He finished his radiation treatments from his inoperable brain tumor. It's not a cure, it just buys him some time. Another reason to hate cancer. He's such a nice guy, and I bet a great dad and husband. He put Jacob's Christmas tricycle together for me. I just can't help but think that in a few months or a year, he'll be gone. And that's just too depressing to think about. So I don't. Just as with me and what could happen, I don't think. I just don't. It's easier and it doesn't hurt as much.

I hate cancer

I hate cancer. I hate it now even more than I did before coming to Hope Lodge. I've developed friendships here that are difficult ones, ones that won't last. Not because we won't willingly keep in touch, but because some of us won't be able to. A friend went home last week; tonight she came back to visit us. Unfortunately after she got home, some problems came up and she was sent back to MUSC for some tests - unrelated to her primary cancer - on her liver. Cancer? Not sure yet. TBut what we are sure of is that we'll spend every day for the rest of our lives wondering if we'll get cancer again, as a recurrence or as a new development. There are people here that have gone through this more than once, for more than one type of cancer. Out of 17 Hope Lodge residents, I know of two for certain that have had multiple types of cancer. That just sucks. One of the volunteers was telling us today how she beat stage 4 colon cancer five years ago. She's 70 now. And while everyone else was smiling and congratulating her, I was crying. Because I'm 35 and I don't want to have to worry about cancer for the rest of my life. I hate it. And today I hate it just a little more.

It sucks to be me (better titled "things I want you to know and don't know how to say out loud")

Right now I hate being me. And that's the thing.   I hate that I'm NOT me anymore.  There's nothing about this shell of a person that even resembles "me".  Don't get me wrong; I am very thankful to be alive and that the cancer is moving the right direction (meaning out, albiet very, very slowly.)  But I don't have the same sense of humor; I barely even laugh at jokes because nothing seems funny anymore.  I know I make people angry in how I respond to things, because when I think of stuff that is or was going on and how I responded to it, I realize how wrongly I handled it - and that's become the norm.  I just can't help myself.  The laughing, laid-back, easy-going person is gone and I don't know how to get her back.  I'm either tired or angry or frustrated.....I can never hold on to the fun parts for long.  It doesn't help that I"m always cold.  Deep down, bone cold.  Or tired.  So tired that I ache.  So tired that I don't know if I can physically climb the stairs.  Or hurting so badly that I can't describe the hurt.

It sucks to be me because I'm NOT me.  And I want you to understand that I'm sorry I'm not.  I wish I was, and I wish I could change it.  And I know this is completely rambling.  But that's how I feel right now.  Rambling and disorganized and not together and a little out of it.  And I hope that everything I'm doing is working towards changing it.  So remember that I love you guys and I'm doing the best I can, even though it sucks.

Something you probably never though of

Have you ever heard the little disclaimer in the commercials "....and people with certain types of cancer shouldn't use this product"? Well guess what! I'm part of that group! And you'll never guess what the product is.....

Yeah, having your birth control have that little warning on it is yet another thing they don't tell you and something you never think about.

Til now. I think I'm going to make a list and give it to my doctor of things she didn't tell me. Then I'm going to post it on Facebook, no matter how gross it is, just on the off chance it can help someone.

The quarter million dollar woman

The beginning of October marked an important day for us.  Not an anniversary, or a fun time, but the beginning of our insurance fiscal year.  In other words, we started over on our responsibilities for our insurance.  We'd been lucky, because we met our deductable and our catastrophic cap early on in the year when we'd both still been working, and we have really good insurance, so we haven't had to pay out of pocket for a single bill in all of my treatments or medications.  Well, it's a combination of lucky, and blessings.  But now that the fiscal year starts over, we're going to be responsible for some bills coming up pretty soon (actually they should be arriving in the mail any day now), and it's going to hurt to see them, because we don't have a way to pay them yet.  But as Austin says, what are they going to do, eat us?  $10 a month is acceptable payment, I think.

Anyway, we tallied up my medical bills for the last five months.  OH.  MY.  GOSH.  It was over $250,000.  And our insurance certainly didn't pay it all; they paid what they felt was appropriate, and the doctors and hospitals had to eat the rest, because they signed on as tricare providers.  And really, $29,000 for one in patient chemo treatment?  That's ridiculous!

Austin says I'm the most expensive thing he owns.  I responded, yes, and the most deadly.

I feel like a Katy Perry song

If you've never heard Katy Perry sing, you're missing out; my most current favorite is Firework.  However, today, and in days past lately, I feel that Hot and Cold is so much more "me".

"You change yourmind like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you PMS like a girl I would know.

Yeah, you always think, always speak cryptically;

I should know that you're no good for me.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold, You're yes then you're no.

You're in and you're out, You're up and you're down;

You're wrong when it's right, It's black and it's white.

We fight, we break up, We kiss, we make up.

You, you don't really wanna stay, no.

You, but you don't really wanna go, oh.

'Cause you're hot then you're cold,You're yes then you're no

You're in and you're out, You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync;

The same energy now's a dead battery.

Used to laugh 'bout nothing, Now you're plain boring

I should know That you're not gonna change."

It goes on, but you get the idea. This has become me.   It doesn't matter what I say or feel one day, or even one minute, because the next  is different.  So completely different that it's scary and sad.  I live on this up and down rollercoaster that leaves me not knowing if I'm laughing (or at least smiling) or crying from minute to minute during every day.  Yesterday I was excited because I planned to get up and cook breakfast for my family - pancakes and bacon, and before the meal was cooked, I was so sick and so down that I couldn't eat it.

I hate feeling this way.  I'm sure that it's completely normal - or at least as normal as things can be in this kind of situation.  But I hate it.  Like I hate a lot of things lately.

Swing of things

I guess with week two, we're getting into the swing of things. Although I can't really say that things are getting any easier, at least we know what to expect. Kind of anyway. We know where things are on the chemo floor. We know who to see to get lab work done. We know the nicer nurses. We how where to go to get checked in fast, and we know how to go back and remind them if it's taken more than 15 minutes. We're getting into the groove.

We started out the week on Tuesday with a visit to the Urologist (aka the Kidney doctor). It's been decided that on Friday, I'll be getting a stent put into my kids to help it drain, because at this point, it has zero function. Honestly though, right now I don't even care if I lose it or it goes back to working; I just want the pain to be gone. I feel so not like myself. I either am in terrible pain, or I'm so doped up on pain medication that I'm not me. I don't know why people go out and try for that feeling....it's such an out of control reality that it's a type of pain in and of itself.

Anway, I digress. It was decided that Friday is my surgery for the kidney stent. On Wednesday, it was round two of chemo. Week two also means two drugs, which are hung consectutive (one right after another) of each other, and a longer day treatment visit. When it came time for the second drug though, things didn't go as planned, and I had some terrible reaction to it; my chest got tight - I compared it to an elephant sitting on me - and I had a hard time breathing. Right away they pulled the treatment and gave me some benedryl. After things calmed down, we restarted the treatment, and after a few minutes, it turned into the same reaction, so we stopped. Which meant that I had to go back today and try again. It took us five hours to do a two hour treatment, because we had to go so slowly, but it's done.

We then had an appointment it the Hemotology Onconlogist - the chemo doctor. She deleted some medications, upped me on some others, and added still more. We're set up for a port insertion somewhere before my next chemo treatment; it means I'll get a permanant port for my chemo treatments and lab draws - no more needle sticks! Yay for me, because I have a serious phobia of needles. She also somewhat warned me of taking more care to stay away from people that could be sick and/or large crowds, because my white blood count is very low and I am susceptible to infections easily. I'll still go to church (because I want to), but if I go out in public otherwise, I need to wear a mask or take precautions to stay away from people. I'm turning into such a freak.

I also have to go back to the cancer floor tomorrow to get a injection that will boost my white blood count. My understanding is that it's very painful, both during and after, and causes a lot of bone pain. Yay, something else to look forward to.

And now it's time to close. I'm so tired that I can barely keep my words straight, but I want to write things while they're fresh in my mind. So goodnight world....I hope for dreams that are pleasant and completely cancer free.

Things they never tell you

I started Chemotherapy this week. It was a most unpleasant experience. Maybe it would be easier if I'd been prepared.

It started out pretty decent. My nurse, Bonnie, was fantastic. She could tell that I was anxious, so after getting me started with my IV (which, by the way, I don't do well with, since I have a terrible phobia of needles), she hooked me up with some IV Ativan, which is a great anti-anxiety medication. It helped me to relax while she got things going. After the Ativan and a bag of Zofran (to help prevent the nausea that goes along with chemo), she came over dressed in a spacesuit. Or something like it. Apparantly, the stuff can burn skin if it touches it, so the precautions the nurses take are pretty big. They put on these big protective gowns and gloves (did she have a mask? I'm not sure), and hook that big bag of poison right up to you. (This is something they don't tell you in advance...they just let you find it out yourself.) Yep, that stuff she was protecting herself against went into my veins.

Another thing they don't tell you is that it burns. My arm felt like it was on fire the whole time. Bonnie brought over a warm pack (weird, the heat actually made it feel better), and it helped. Luckily the Ativan helped me to relax enough to sleep for most of the treatment. Afterwards Austin got me loaded up in the car and I slept almost the entire three hour ride home. (Had to have been boring for you Austin - sorry love.)

I kept expecting to start throwing up, but it didn't happen. I guess the Zofran did it's job well. I felt a little sick on Friday, but not too bad. Mostly the insane tiredness was what I dealt with. I slept the day away on Friday as well, but then was up most of the night on Friday night/Saturday morning. Saturday came and went and the tiredness didn't go away. That's something else I didn't know. I expected to get the treatment, get sick, and then be fine. I had no idea I'd turn into a walking zombie for days on end. I'm still exhausted.

Another thing nobody warned me about is food. I'm not turned off by smells; it's the taste. Nothing taste the same. The biggest crime in it? My favorite, my one vice, Dr. Pepper; it no longer tastes like Dr. Pepper. Even my toothpaste and mouthwash tastes funny. It's really a weird experience.

So....things they never tell you about with chemo. Wonder what next week will bring, since I'm getting two rounds of it.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.

Easy to forget...too easy to remember

Today I sat down with Annah to do her nails. She wanted both her fingernails and her toenails painted, and being the fun mom that I am, I accomodated her. I removed old polish, cleaned them good, buffed them out, and finally repainted them all (in two different colors mind you!). Then I did my own fingernails (my toenails are still beautiful from my pedicure almost 2 weeks ago). Things were very normal.

And then I remembered. I have cancer. It's easy to forget though. Things are still pretty normal around here, except for the little alarm that goes off on my phone every four hours to remind me to take some kind of medication. Or when I glance in the mirror and see my short hair. Or when we have prayer, and the kids pray for mommy to feel better. Or when I'm just so tired that I have to stop what I'm doing to take a nap. Okay, so maybe not completely normal, but still mostly normal.

Oh, my hair. I went today and had it cut short. Really short. I figure that if I'm going to lose my hair to chemo, then I'm going to do some of it on my terms. It's going to fall out, so why not go ahead and get the short "do" and enjoy it a little. Besides, it should help get the kids kind of used to things, or at least used to the changes. Poor Annah fell apart when she saw me. Jacob wouldn't come to me. And Jonathan just said it was ugly. I try not to take any of it personally.

Anyway, it's easy to forget things when we're having those normal moments. But then it's too easy to remember when I see myself in the mirror, or when I have pain, or even when we talk about getting a babysitter so I can go to my treatments. It's always there, lurking in the background. I remember feeling that way after we lost Andrew....there would be very normal moments, and then suddenly I'd realize I felt happy when I was supposed to be feeling sad. It took a long time to get over that, and I don't figure I'll be getting past this for quite a while. But it's okay to feel happy, even when underneath the sadness and the fear are there. Because if I stop feeling happy during those normal moments, then the cancer wins. And that's just not going to happen.

The C word

It's an ugly word. Foul is every way, scary to both those who have it and those who don't. But it's something that happens to other people, right? Not to me, certainly. At least, that's what I thought, somewhere in the back of my mind anyway. But it's not true. Because I have it. I have cancer.

I guess I should back up a bit, because, let's face it, that's a pretty shocking statement. I've been thinking on this, and I guess it started about three or four months ago. At least that's when I noticed things. I was having some pain in my left hip. Nothing I couldn't handle, but it was uncomfortable. But I'm on my feet all the time, I usually have at least one baby on my hip, sometimes two. I'm up and down the stairs, I'm chasing kids around the house. It's normal to have pain, right?

Except my pain didn't go away. It started getting worse, and I complained to Austin about it. He'd massage my back and hip and it would feel better. But it had moved from just my hip to my lower back and was even more uncomfortable. I was taking Aleve and using some aspercreme (you know, the smelly old-people stuff), and it took care of the pain for the most part.

But then I started not being able to sleep because of it. I'd wake up in the night hurting so badly I couldn't go back to sleep. I'd get up in the middle of the night to take hot baths. And then one morning, as I was massaging my side (which had started to hurt), I found a knot. It was just under was left ribcage, on the left side of my abdomen. And I knew right then that I had a problem.

It was during the weekend that I found it, so on Monday, I went to the doctor. The doctor didn't have a very good poker face; when he examined me, I knew even clearer; this was bad. He ordered a CT scan for the next day.

I had the CT scan, and the doctor came out and told me that this was outside his specialty, but he believed it was a lymphoma. I cried a lot in that waiting room that afternoon. Over the next few days, we were referred to a Surgeon, who examined me and looked at the CT scan. He felt the same way, and ordered a Biopsy. I had the biopsy done (the shoved a big long needle through my back to get to this thing), and then we had to wait four whole days for the results. When the surgeon walked in to the room, I could tell just by looking at his face that we were in trouble. He confirmed that it was cancer, and it was malignant.

Dr. Gill referred me to an Oncologist - a cancer doctor. So we went to see Dr. Ackerman. She told us that she believed that what I have is called a Sarcoma. A very rare type of cancer. To complicate matters, it is pressing on my left kidney, blocking it's use. Because of the rarity of it, Dr. Ackerman referred us to Dr. Esnaola, a Surgical Oncologist, to do major surgery to remove the cancer. The catch? Dr. Esnaola is in Charleston, SC.

Dr. Esnaola works at Hollings Cancer Center, at the Medical University of South Carolina. When we met with him, he because talking about options. Surgery, Radiation, Chemo. We were overwhelmed, because we believed we were just going to talk to him about Surgery. Dr. Esnaola revealed to us that not only is the tumor blocking my kidney, but it is also pressing against my Aorta, the main blood supply leaving the heart, and that at this point, surgery wasn't even an option, so we would need to consider other options.

Stunned isn't even the right word to destribe how we felt. Dr. Ackerman and Dr. Gill had both led us to believe that it just needed to be removed, and that Chemo wouldn't work for it anyway. So we were definity caught off guard. We would up talking with Dr. Marshall, the Radiation Oncologist, and with Dr. Simiaha, the Hemotology Oncologist. After what seemed like a ton of tests and pokes and prodes, it was finally decided that Chemotherapy is where we will begin. And that begins next week.

Which leads me back to where I began. I have Cancer.

I am so afraid. I don't want to do Chemo. I don't want to be sick, I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to be scary looking to my kids. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be the person everyone feels sorry for, that everyone is talking about. I don't want to be the person that needs so much help, the one who can't take care of things. I don't want to die. Because I could, you know. I don't want to, and I'll fight like hell to keep that from happening. But that thought is there, in the back of my mind; like a bad taste you can't get out of your mouth and won't go away.

To top it all off, Austin lost his job. No real explaination of things...just a "Your services are no longer needed." kind of thing. And they knew what was happening with us. So here we are, neither of us working really (although I'm still doing a bit of babysitting when I'm able to), tons of expenses just to go back and forth to Charleston, not able to pay our basic bills, and I have cancer. Freaking cancer. But I'm trying to be open-minded, to realize the timing is okay.

And it is. Better than okay. I think the Lord knew that I needed Austin at home with me. Not that I think Heavenly Father got him fired, but I think that he would have lost the job anyway, and the timing was just worked out where it helped us. I can't drive because of the pain medication I'm taking. There are days I can't pick Jacob up and put him in or out of bed, or into the high chair. So having him here is wonderful. And we've been blessed beyond explaination with food and help. So i can't complain too much. Or at least I shouldn't. I do my fair share of it. Austin is struggling too; he's a typical man, one that wants to provide for his family and take care of things, and right now it's out of his hands. But we're trying to do our part in everything. Still looking for jobs, still keeping faith, still trying to be strong (notice I said TRYING - believe me, we have our moments!).

So, there you have it. I have Cancer. But I'm still here. And I plan to be for a very long time.

(P.S. - I was having a very down day when I began writing this. It's amazing how letting things out helps to cleanse the soul; I feel much better now!)

Ups and downs and all arounds

Two months, it's been. Ridiculous. I'm going to try to do better about posting, especially since I don't journal. It's fun to look back and read what I've done and said as time goes on.

Today I'm feeling a bit on the hyper side. I haven't been that way all day though, and in fact this morning I was feeling lonely and down. There were kids running all over the place, making noise, playing with toys, the TV was on, etc., but my thought was, "sometimes the loneliest places are the most crowded." Because it is lonely for me. For someone who enjoys socialization, being at home by myself with a bunch of small kids sometimes is hard. I enjoy what I'm doing, don't get me wrong; but I also enjoy being around other people who can occasionally have an intelligent conversation.

So when I got kids fed lunch (grits and eggs for lunch is so yummy!) and then down for naps, I took advantage of Austin being home and I ran into town for a few minutes of "me" time. It works out well...he's home if something happens, but since they all sleep for about two hours, very rarely does he have to do anything at all except just be available. I wasn't gone long, but it was long enough to get my second wind that I needed, and I came home feeling really good. I also had a couple of really good phone conversations, and all of it really picked me up.

Now I'm feeling great, and now I'm ready for kids to wake up from their naps. We'll walk to the bus stop and get Jonathan soon, come back for some outside play time, and then get ready to pick Matthew up from football practice. (Football, you ask? Yeah, that's another post!)

I'm feeling thankful for my life; it's not that I'm usually NOT thankful, but in those times when I feel overwhelmed, it's hard to remember that thankful feeling as much as I should. I'm glad I can right now though.

Losing part of me

With the start of the new year, I made a decision. I wanted to lose part of myself. Okay, so I know that everyone makes New Year's Resolutions, but seriously, I don't. So this wasn't some spontanious "I've got to make a change this year and this will be it" kind of thing. But a change was necessary, and losing the extra weight I've been carrying around for a couple of years was important, to both my physical AND emotional well-being.

I'll put it out there in writing, as much as it pains me to do so. I was almost 180 pounds. For a 5'8" person, the "healthy" weight is somewhere between 132 and 164. And I was far from that. So I began a journey, towards a more healthy me. It's been long, it's been hard, it's been frustrating as heck. I am such an emotional eater. Something upsets me and the first thing I do is run to the fridge. That's a terrible way to handle things, but that's what I do. I can't say that this journey will change that about me, but it's going to get me to a healthier weight so that if I DO run to the fridge for that food fix, I'm not adding to that 180 pounds.

I started running a while back. Sometimes it's a great release for anger or frustration. Pounding the pavement tends to release some of the built up tension that's inside me. When I first started, I couldn't make it the distance between three or four houses. Now I can do a mile. Actually I know can do more, but I don't very often. Austin is the one that pushed me to do it; I'll never forget the words he used when I wanted to slow down, to start walking, to stop completely. "Run! Somewhere, somebody is training to kill you! Run, get away from them, live!" (Let's not forget what job I was doing at the time....in law enforcement, some criminal is always working to be able to get the better of you when it comes down to it.) So, he pushed, and I ran. And it's been good for me. I don't do it often enough, but I do it when I can.

I also started on the Weight Watchers program, and I pushed Austin into doing it with me. He hasn't seen much weight loss, but I'm not sure he's doing it quite right. We'll get there for him. But Weight Watchers works, if you stick to it. My problem is that I tend to guilt myself into stopping completely. If I mess up and have a cookie, then I'm done for the day, possibly even the week. So I've got to get over the guilt. And I've done pretty well with that lately.

Anyway, as of this morning, I've reached my first goal. I've lost a little more than 5% of my body weight. That's not much, but it's a start. I'm seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen in a while. And it's a good feeling! Now if I can just keep it up!

So here's to losing part of myself!

Settling in

It's been a little more than a month now since leaving my law enforcement family. Actually though, I can't really say that I saw Kershaw County as my LE family. It was very different than when I was with the sheriff's office in Baldwin County; there, it was a comradery, a sense of belonging, an all-for-one attitude. Not that everyone always got along - far from it. But when the need was there, we all came together. That hasn't been the case here. It's actually been kind of sad for me. I think it's because of the election here, and how difficult it's been for everyone. I'm glad it's all over; I hope that the people there now can begin to form those bonds that I know from past experience.

Anyway, all of that said, it's been a month now. And I don't miss it. I'm not sure my heart was in it here...but I know it's in what I'm doing now. I LOVE what I'm doing now. Even on those days when it's wild, and kids are screaming and fighting and running all over the place, even when I'm trying desperately to entertain kids and dry tears and just not feeling like I'm doing a good job....even then, I love it. Maybe because I know that I'm supposed to be doing this. Maybe because I know I'm not missing those small but important moments with my own children. Maybe because I just enjoy it. In any case, I'm thankful that I'm doing what I am.

The end of a chapter

This weekend, Austin and myself, along with Annah and Jacob, made a fast and furious trip to Milledgeville. We've rented our house there, and had some things that needed to be gotten out so that our renters could use the room that our stuff was occupying. Honestly, I wish most of it could have just been thrown out, but realistically, that wasn't do-able. I definitely plan to toss some of it as it's unpacked though! We've got WAAAAAAY too much stuff.

Being in Milledgeville made me a bit sad. There were several people that I really wanted to see, but it wasn't possible, for a variety of reasons that I won't get into. Time was short as well, and we really needed to get it all packed up and get ourselves on the road back home. Luckily our renters helped us load the truck. As we drove our of Milledgeville, I realized that it was the last time we'd be leaving as residents. I mean, we started moving seven months ago, but we still had things left at the house, and every time we came back, it was always that we were coming back to our house with our stuff in it. That's not the case anymore. I can't even say it's our house anymore. Sure, we own it, but it's not our home - it's someone else's.

There have been a lot of good memories there. But there's been a lot of pain too. And now that chapter in our life is done, and the only thing left to do is move forward. I'm excited, and at the same time, I'm a little sad. But I know that Camden is where we're supposed to be. And I'm happy with that decision.

Life is change.

Changes are in store for us! Today was my last day as a full time Kershaw County Deputy Sheriff. After tons and tons of wonder and worry if we'd have jobs after the recent sheriff's electin, it turned out that we did. (Austin officially, me conditionally, since I didn't initially pass the physical fitness test.) But in our preparation for the upcoming changes at the sheriff's office, I went and did all that was necessary to become a registered Family Child Care Home for the state of South Carolina. Basically, it means I set myself up to run a daycare at home. But after all the preparation, I didn't hear anything back for quite a while, so I went on with my job at the Sheriff's Office. This past Wednesday though, I did. But just before that, I had a phone call that changed things for us...and all for the better.

The call was from a mom who has a full-time job that she works from home, and 2 1/2 year old twins that are there as well. She needed help. And she had no clue that by asking me to help her by watching her girls, she was helping me more than she knew. I'd been praying for this, praying for a way to help my family and help our job situation. I was worried about the physical fitness test that I didn't think I could pass, even giving it all I had. And I knew somehow that it would all work out. I just didn't realize it would happen so quickly, or how it would change how I felt so fast and make me so excited.

So, I quit my job. With one day's notice. And they actually understood! I didn't speak to the Sheriff directly, but to the Chief Deputy, the Captain of Patrol, and my Luietentant. And I believe they really want the best for our family. After turning in my short notice, I left the Sheriff's Office feeling very relieved and very much at peace.

And today was more of the same, except there was frustration over getting some of my stuff turned in. I'll be staying on as a reserve deputy, meaning I'll volunteer once a month or so. It will keep my certification up in case I ever decide to go back to law enforcement full time. And it will help me remember what I love about the job. And I'm still excited!

The kids are excited too. Well, Annah is. She's excited about being able to stay home with me. Jacob will be too, as much as he can express, anyway. Jonathan is frustrated that he can't stay home, but he IS excited about riding the bus in the afternoons (I'll still be able to take him to school most mornings, and Austin can help on his days off). Matthew says it's weird to think about me not being a deputy anymore. I agree. But still....the excitement far outweighs the weirdness.

So....there's my story of change. We'll see what next week brings! And if I think I'm nuts now, wait til I have a day with all four of my crazies plus the two cuties I'll be watching! ;)

Seriously, 7 months?

Okay, so I've been a little on the lazy side of blogging. But 7 months since my last post? Even I'M disappointed in me!

2010 was a busy and difficult year. During it, Matthew changed schools three times, moved to his biological dad's house, I moved him to the Boy's Ranch, and then finally home with us. We moved from Georgia to South Carolina, Austin and I both found jobs (at the same place), went through the South Carolina Police Academy, survived (barely) a horrible Sheriff's election, and are now facing even more employment challanges. Jonathan started a new school, and Annah and Jacob started a new daycare. We left behind everything we knew because of our faith in our Heavenly Father, and although it's been extremely hard, I know it was the right thing to do.

Sooooooo.....that said, I'm going to do better. Really, I will. And just as a way of making restitution, here are some fun photos of the last seven months.