Right now I hate being me. And that's the thing. I hate that I'm NOT me anymore. There's nothing about this shell of a person that even resembles "me". Don't get me wrong; I am very thankful to be alive and that the cancer is moving the right direction (meaning out, albiet very, very slowly.) But I don't have the same sense of humor; I barely even laugh at jokes because nothing seems funny anymore. I know I make people angry in how I respond to things, because when I think of stuff that is or was going on and how I responded to it, I realize how wrongly I handled it - and that's become the norm. I just can't help myself. The laughing, laid-back, easy-going person is gone and I don't know how to get her back. I'm either tired or angry or frustrated.....I can never hold on to the fun parts for long. It doesn't help that I"m always cold. Deep down, bone cold. Or tired. So tired that I ache. So tired that I don't know if I can physically climb the stairs. Or hurting so badly that I can't describe the hurt.
It sucks to be me because I'm NOT me. And I want you to understand that I'm sorry I'm not. I wish I was, and I wish I could change it. And I know this is completely rambling. But that's how I feel right now. Rambling and disorganized and not together and a little out of it. And I hope that everything I'm doing is working towards changing it. So remember that I love you guys and I'm doing the best I can, even though it sucks.
