As I sit waiting for 2009 to enter my life, I reflect on the last year. A lot has happened. Here's my rundown:
January - Austin and I made the decision to finally go to the temple. Our marriage began to get better. Life started feeling good.
February - Jonathan turned four. I marveled at how my baby was growing up.
March - Our family was Sealed for Time and Eternity in the Atlanta Georgia Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We decided to have another baby. Life was great.
June - Annah started public daycare, after having had a private sitter since birth.
July - We discovered that we were expecting baby #4. Life was excellent, wonderful!
August - Matthew started Middle School. Jonathan started Pre-K. Again, I marveled at the wonder of my children.
September - Austin left for Lackland Air Force Base for a three month training stint. Matthew turned 12 and received the Priesthood at church. Although stressful, it seemed that things just couldn't get any better.
October - I began feeling poorly. One of my best friends lost her daughter. Four days later, I had my baby boy Andrew, then lost him for the rest of my earthly life. One day later, Annah turned three. Three days after that, I buried my son. Life lost a lot of meaning.
November - I went back to work. Nothing got better. My heart was broken. Life was over. I wished it had been me that died.
December - Austin came home. Things started getting better. Although still broken, my heart started feeling a bit stronger. I was able to talk to people again. The broken pieces of life started making their way back together. I started being able to see some future again. I started being able to THINK again.
Looking back, I can see that a lot of wondeful things happened in 2008. It's hard to remember that on a day to day basis though, when I still struggle to make it through each moment. But I'm getting better, I think. I'm still a wife, I'm still a mother (four times over now, even though only three of my children are here), I'm still a daughter, I'm still a friend. Hopefully I'm better at each of those things. Maybe. I'm working on it hard.
There's a tradition in the South that on New Year's day, you MUST eat a dinner consisting of hog jawl, black eye peas, and some type of greens (collard, mustard, turnip, whatever). It's to ensure you money and luck over the following year. I've never taken advantage of the greens...I can't stomach them. But the hog jawl and the black eye peas are a must for luck, and I never miss them. I can't say that they did me a lot of good for 2008, but you can bet that tomorrow I'll be sitting in my mom's kitchen eating them up. Heck, I can't afford any BAD luck!
Of course, how much worse could 2009 be? Wait....I probably shouldn't ask that! So goodbye 2008. May a great deal of your memories be buried deep in my mind and heart, and may 2009 bring a bit more happiness for us.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Dear Andrew
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry.
Didnt get a chance to say "Hello,"
you never said "Goodbye."
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn;
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special,
I shared it all exclusively;
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick -
you were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel,
and every Angel is divine.
God needed one in heaven;
He came down and took home mine.
And although we are not together,
we're really not apart;
for you'll always occupy a space
deep down within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain,
it's only some days now I cry;
when I wish I could have said "Hello,"
and heard you say "Goodbye."
I came across this today, and it suited my mood. I've received several little gifts over the last week or so in rememberence of Andrew, and as I sat down to put everything in his little memory box, I pulled out his hospital blanket and cried into it. I suppose it's been a couple of days since I cried, at least over our loss of Andrew. I sometimes wonder if that's wrong, and I'm forgetting him somehow. It makes me feel very guilty. The rational part of me says no, but the part of me that misses him so deeply tells me otherwise. But I know it's part of grieving, of moving forward. Not getting over his death, but working around it.
So those are my thoughts for today. Not very upbeat, but not completely depressing either. My pillow invites me now....I've had several dreams of Andrew lately. Maybe tonight I'll dream of just saying "hello".
you never saw me cry.
Didnt get a chance to say "Hello,"
you never said "Goodbye."
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn;
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special,
I shared it all exclusively;
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick -
you were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel,
and every Angel is divine.
God needed one in heaven;
He came down and took home mine.
And although we are not together,
we're really not apart;
for you'll always occupy a space
deep down within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain,
it's only some days now I cry;
when I wish I could have said "Hello,"
and heard you say "Goodbye."
I came across this today, and it suited my mood. I've received several little gifts over the last week or so in rememberence of Andrew, and as I sat down to put everything in his little memory box, I pulled out his hospital blanket and cried into it. I suppose it's been a couple of days since I cried, at least over our loss of Andrew. I sometimes wonder if that's wrong, and I'm forgetting him somehow. It makes me feel very guilty. The rational part of me says no, but the part of me that misses him so deeply tells me otherwise. But I know it's part of grieving, of moving forward. Not getting over his death, but working around it.
So those are my thoughts for today. Not very upbeat, but not completely depressing either. My pillow invites me now....I've had several dreams of Andrew lately. Maybe tonight I'll dream of just saying "hello".
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas Eve surprise
We had our Christmas lunch at my mom's house today; it was a fun day with only a few emotional ups and downs. The kids loaded up on Christmas gifts, and we enjoyed good company in family and friends. Our big family gift from my mom and dad was a Wii; while everyone was excited, Jonathan was completely beside himself with happiness. After an afternoon of fun, we loaded up the van with toys and kids, and headed out.
We made a planned stop at the cemetery to have a little Christmas visit with Andrew, and wound up with a surprise; Andrew's marker had been put in. It brought a fresh wave of tears and sorrow to see my baby boy's name etched in that stone, but it brought about joy as well. I'm glad that Andrew's little spot is properly marked now. It gives him the recognition that he deserves, and that I need for him.
I have Andrew a Christmas gift. Is that madness? Probably, but I guess I'm not exactly the picture of sanity lately. Anyway, it's an angel holding a baby. It's called "A Mother's Love." It's supposed to symbolize the never-ending love that a mother has for her child. I plan to put it on his grave, and now that his marker is in, I think it will look nice sitting there. I wish that I'd taken it with me today, but I had no clue that the marker was even ready, much less in. So, I won't be dwell on it too much, although I did some pretty hard kicking of myself earlier for not taking it along anyway.
So...Merry Christmas my baby boy. Godspeed little man.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
December whirlwind
I haven't posted lately for a variety of reasons. First of all, I've been extremely busy. Secondly, there's been so much happening that I feel overwhelmed and behind because I haven't posted anything. So then I get even further behind because I'm putting it off. How's that for productive?
Where to begin? I guess where I left off before. I was going to the firing range that day. Oh it was a bad day. And not at all what I needed. I completely lost it that day and had a total breakdown in front of everyone. I won't get into all the details, but here's the gist of it. I yelled at my supervisor following a comment he made to me. I won't say that what I said to him was out of line, but my attitude about it probably was. Then I had issues with Jonathan being in the after-school program while I was at the firing range, and they wouldn't let him stay. I finally got that worked out with my mom's help, and got back to shooting. Then I had a gun malfunction and totally got thrown off (as Kusco would say, it through off my groove) while shooting, and did horrible. HORRIBLE! Last year I qualified almost a perfect score. This year, I barely passed. And that was the final straw for me that day. I started crying, right there on the firing line. Right in front of everyone. And the instructor basically sent me home.
Why did those thing affect me so badly? I'm not sure. But it did. My emotions are still pretty raw, I guess, and it doesn't take much to set me off. I went home frustrated and cried the rest of the night. My poor children...how much more do they have to take of this?
Moving along....
Annah started running a fever the next morning, but had no other symptoms, so I decided to wait it out. They called me from school that afternoon and I had to pick her up, but she still seemed okay. Throughout the weekend though, she got worse. She started refusing to eat, and her temp kept going up. I had the Christmas parade to participate in with CHAMPS on Sunday, and my mom kept the kids. Annah really acted fine when she was there, but during the night her temperature got up to 104.5. It really freaked me out. I called in to work Monday morning and took her to the doctor right after getting the boys to school. And they immediately sent us over to the hospital. The reason? Annah had pneumonia.
What kind of mom am I? Geez...my three year old had pneumonia and I didn't have a clue. Worse yet, I'd just let it go and hoped that the fever would go away. Anyway, we wound up in the hospital with her on IV antibiotics for three days. Walking into that hospital was hard; it was the last place I was with Andrew. But I got passed it (I won't say I got over it, because I don't think I ever will), and was able to focus on Annah. She was doted on by her loving grandma and other friends, and wound up with puzzles, books, and stuffed animals galore. I missed a great deal of work, but it was necessary. (Oh, and as a side note, I've been advised by my job that I should probably talk to someone...I apparently need counseling. Since my life is falling apart at times, I'm an emotional wreck, and it affects me a lot - even at work sometimes. I don't have a reason or anything...my son died, my husband was gone for three months, my daughter was in the hospital...everything's fine, right? Why should I be a wreck?) She was discharged late Wednesday night, and we came home with her much better, but still having some recovering to do.
In the meantime, we were counting down the days til Austin came home. He was supposed to graduate from his training on Wednesday morning and get on the road shortly after. He called me at 9:30 Wednesday morning saying that he was on the way home. I was thrilled because he'd gotten on the road earlier than expected. We kept in touch all day on Wednesday; he got into bad weather as a storm moved across the southeastern United States, but he managed to keep driving. He stopped Wednesday night around 8:30 to spend the night at a motel, and at 7:00 Thursday morning, he called to let me know he was on the road again. While we were talking, my doorbell rang (I was screaming inside because someone was ringing my doorbell at 7 a.m. and Annah was still sleeping!) and when I opened the door while still talking to Austin on the phone, it was him that I came face to face with! Surprise! He'd actually graduated Tuesday afternoon, and left Wednesday morning around 2 a.m.!
Having Austin home helps the way things feel, but I'd forgotten that we've been apart for three months, and it takes some adjustment time when we're all together again. The normal craziness and noise of the kids gets to him easily, and he gets frustrated. All the things that I wanted to wait and do when he got home seemed too hard to get done once he was actually here. But we're all together again, and that's what matters.
We did manage to take the kids to see Santa last night, and go look at some Christmas lights. It made for a late night, but the kids enjoyed it, and it was important to me that we went.
Our Christmas tree is up and decorated. It took a lot to get that done. It felt wrong to put the ornaments on the tree...I kept thinking that Andrew will never get to do those things with us, and it was hard. But it's done, and the kids are happy with it. I'm glad we did it...I didn't want to, but it's important to them. It's important to me too...I just can't feel it right now. But things will get better. I've decorated more this year than other years...it's important to both me and Austin that the kids really enjoy Christmas this year; that they feel the Spirit of Christmas. It helps me too...this is usually my favorite time of year, and I want to enjoy it with my family. I want it to be perfect.
So, life moves right along. Crazy, wonderful, sad, happy, and every other emotion you can think of. And I continue to ramble on....
Where to begin? I guess where I left off before. I was going to the firing range that day. Oh it was a bad day. And not at all what I needed. I completely lost it that day and had a total breakdown in front of everyone. I won't get into all the details, but here's the gist of it. I yelled at my supervisor following a comment he made to me. I won't say that what I said to him was out of line, but my attitude about it probably was. Then I had issues with Jonathan being in the after-school program while I was at the firing range, and they wouldn't let him stay. I finally got that worked out with my mom's help, and got back to shooting. Then I had a gun malfunction and totally got thrown off (as Kusco would say, it through off my groove) while shooting, and did horrible. HORRIBLE! Last year I qualified almost a perfect score. This year, I barely passed. And that was the final straw for me that day. I started crying, right there on the firing line. Right in front of everyone. And the instructor basically sent me home.
Why did those thing affect me so badly? I'm not sure. But it did. My emotions are still pretty raw, I guess, and it doesn't take much to set me off. I went home frustrated and cried the rest of the night. My poor children...how much more do they have to take of this?
Moving along....
Annah started running a fever the next morning, but had no other symptoms, so I decided to wait it out. They called me from school that afternoon and I had to pick her up, but she still seemed okay. Throughout the weekend though, she got worse. She started refusing to eat, and her temp kept going up. I had the Christmas parade to participate in with CHAMPS on Sunday, and my mom kept the kids. Annah really acted fine when she was there, but during the night her temperature got up to 104.5. It really freaked me out. I called in to work Monday morning and took her to the doctor right after getting the boys to school. And they immediately sent us over to the hospital. The reason? Annah had pneumonia.
What kind of mom am I? Geez...my three year old had pneumonia and I didn't have a clue. Worse yet, I'd just let it go and hoped that the fever would go away. Anyway, we wound up in the hospital with her on IV antibiotics for three days. Walking into that hospital was hard; it was the last place I was with Andrew. But I got passed it (I won't say I got over it, because I don't think I ever will), and was able to focus on Annah. She was doted on by her loving grandma and other friends, and wound up with puzzles, books, and stuffed animals galore. I missed a great deal of work, but it was necessary. (Oh, and as a side note, I've been advised by my job that I should probably talk to someone...I apparently need counseling. Since my life is falling apart at times, I'm an emotional wreck, and it affects me a lot - even at work sometimes. I don't have a reason or anything...my son died, my husband was gone for three months, my daughter was in the hospital...everything's fine, right? Why should I be a wreck?) She was discharged late Wednesday night, and we came home with her much better, but still having some recovering to do.
In the meantime, we were counting down the days til Austin came home. He was supposed to graduate from his training on Wednesday morning and get on the road shortly after. He called me at 9:30 Wednesday morning saying that he was on the way home. I was thrilled because he'd gotten on the road earlier than expected. We kept in touch all day on Wednesday; he got into bad weather as a storm moved across the southeastern United States, but he managed to keep driving. He stopped Wednesday night around 8:30 to spend the night at a motel, and at 7:00 Thursday morning, he called to let me know he was on the road again. While we were talking, my doorbell rang (I was screaming inside because someone was ringing my doorbell at 7 a.m. and Annah was still sleeping!) and when I opened the door while still talking to Austin on the phone, it was him that I came face to face with! Surprise! He'd actually graduated Tuesday afternoon, and left Wednesday morning around 2 a.m.!
Having Austin home helps the way things feel, but I'd forgotten that we've been apart for three months, and it takes some adjustment time when we're all together again. The normal craziness and noise of the kids gets to him easily, and he gets frustrated. All the things that I wanted to wait and do when he got home seemed too hard to get done once he was actually here. But we're all together again, and that's what matters.
We did manage to take the kids to see Santa last night, and go look at some Christmas lights. It made for a late night, but the kids enjoyed it, and it was important to me that we went.
Our Christmas tree is up and decorated. It took a lot to get that done. It felt wrong to put the ornaments on the tree...I kept thinking that Andrew will never get to do those things with us, and it was hard. But it's done, and the kids are happy with it. I'm glad we did it...I didn't want to, but it's important to them. It's important to me too...I just can't feel it right now. But things will get better. I've decorated more this year than other years...it's important to both me and Austin that the kids really enjoy Christmas this year; that they feel the Spirit of Christmas. It helps me too...this is usually my favorite time of year, and I want to enjoy it with my family. I want it to be perfect.
So, life moves right along. Crazy, wonderful, sad, happy, and every other emotion you can think of. And I continue to ramble on....
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Out of sorts
Have you ever felt just a bit off? Kind of like driving around in a bad fog and not knowing exactly where/what things were? That's how I feel today. Actually I've felt that way for a while. I can still function, but things just feel off. Thing that I used to enjoy doing/felt comfortable with are no longer that way. I know my friends see it...especially one group of them. I have a hard time focusing on normal conversations...I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to them. So to my friends, I'm sorry. Please don't give up on me...I'm trying.
I went to the hospital today to visit someone who's there. It didn't even occur to me that I'd have a problem with it until I started to get out of the car, and I had a complete panic attack. The person I was going to visit was up on the same floor where I had Andrew. All of the sudden I was physically sick to my stomach, and I couldn't even walk into the hospital, couldn't even get out of the car. So I drove away feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not going in, wondering if and when things will ever feel normal again.
So I'm out of sorts today...just a bit off. Now I'm on my way to the firing range to qualify with my firearms for work, and I'm actually ready for once. Hopefully shooting a bunch of paper bad guys will get out some frustration.
I went to the hospital today to visit someone who's there. It didn't even occur to me that I'd have a problem with it until I started to get out of the car, and I had a complete panic attack. The person I was going to visit was up on the same floor where I had Andrew. All of the sudden I was physically sick to my stomach, and I couldn't even walk into the hospital, couldn't even get out of the car. So I drove away feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not going in, wondering if and when things will ever feel normal again.
So I'm out of sorts today...just a bit off. Now I'm on my way to the firing range to qualify with my firearms for work, and I'm actually ready for once. Hopefully shooting a bunch of paper bad guys will get out some frustration.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A Christmas tree for Andrew
Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. This year, not so much. I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I haven't put my tree up yet; I say every night that I'm going to, and then just can't bring myself to get it out. It doesn't feel right yet. My plan has been to get it done before Austin comes home, but I'm not sure it will happen. I'm going to try though.
I did, however, go visit with Andrew today. I was able to spend some time alone at the cemetary (my mom kept the kids for me), and I just talked to him. I always feel closer to Andrew when I'm at the cemetary...I'm not sure why, but I do. So I visit often. Today I talked to him about my love of Christmas, and how I wanted to be able to do something for him for Christmas. So I took him a Christmas tree. It's beautiful, that tiny tree. Just like he was.
His little spot of ground has been tended to by the funeral home, and the sinking dirt has been filled in and the gravel has been put back on top. It's been so well taken care of in fact, that it looks like it did before Andrew was buried. Austin says it was fixed too good. It made me sad to look at it...even more than it usually does. Nobody can tell that he's there, and that hurts to think about. I'll be glad when his little headstone is in, so it can mark the spot for my special boy. He deserves the recognition. And I need it. Afterwards I went back to my mom's house and cried into her arms for a while over my baby boy. (Even at 32, when I hurt I want my mommy...)
So...the Christmas season begins, and with it comes the love that this time of year brings...hopefully the peace and hope will be there too. So Merry Christmas, my darling baby Andrew. I love you.
I did, however, go visit with Andrew today. I was able to spend some time alone at the cemetary (my mom kept the kids for me), and I just talked to him. I always feel closer to Andrew when I'm at the cemetary...I'm not sure why, but I do. So I visit often. Today I talked to him about my love of Christmas, and how I wanted to be able to do something for him for Christmas. So I took him a Christmas tree. It's beautiful, that tiny tree. Just like he was.
His little spot of ground has been tended to by the funeral home, and the sinking dirt has been filled in and the gravel has been put back on top. It's been so well taken care of in fact, that it looks like it did before Andrew was buried. Austin says it was fixed too good. It made me sad to look at it...even more than it usually does. Nobody can tell that he's there, and that hurts to think about. I'll be glad when his little headstone is in, so it can mark the spot for my special boy. He deserves the recognition. And I need it. Afterwards I went back to my mom's house and cried into her arms for a while over my baby boy. (Even at 32, when I hurt I want my mommy...)
So...the Christmas season begins, and with it comes the love that this time of year brings...hopefully the peace and hope will be there too. So Merry Christmas, my darling baby Andrew. I love you.
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