As I sit waiting for 2009 to enter my life, I reflect on the last year. A lot has happened. Here's my rundown:
January - Austin and I made the decision to finally go to the temple. Our marriage began to get better. Life started feeling good.
February - Jonathan turned four. I marveled at how my baby was growing up.
March - Our family was Sealed for Time and Eternity in the Atlanta Georgia Temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We decided to have another baby. Life was great.
June - Annah started public daycare, after having had a private sitter since birth.
July - We discovered that we were expecting baby #4. Life was excellent, wonderful!
August - Matthew started Middle School. Jonathan started Pre-K. Again, I marveled at the wonder of my children.
September - Austin left for Lackland Air Force Base for a three month training stint. Matthew turned 12 and received the Priesthood at church. Although stressful, it seemed that things just couldn't get any better.
October - I began feeling poorly. One of my best friends lost her daughter. Four days later, I had my baby boy Andrew, then lost him for the rest of my earthly life. One day later, Annah turned three. Three days after that, I buried my son. Life lost a lot of meaning.
November - I went back to work. Nothing got better. My heart was broken. Life was over. I wished it had been me that died.
December - Austin came home. Things started getting better. Although still broken, my heart started feeling a bit stronger. I was able to talk to people again. The broken pieces of life started making their way back together. I started being able to see some future again. I started being able to THINK again.
Looking back, I can see that a lot of wondeful things happened in 2008. It's hard to remember that on a day to day basis though, when I still struggle to make it through each moment. But I'm getting better, I think. I'm still a wife, I'm still a mother (four times over now, even though only three of my children are here), I'm still a daughter, I'm still a friend. Hopefully I'm better at each of those things. Maybe. I'm working on it hard.
There's a tradition in the South that on New Year's day, you MUST eat a dinner consisting of hog jawl, black eye peas, and some type of greens (collard, mustard, turnip, whatever). It's to ensure you money and luck over the following year. I've never taken advantage of the greens...I can't stomach them. But the hog jawl and the black eye peas are a must for luck, and I never miss them. I can't say that they did me a lot of good for 2008, but you can bet that tomorrow I'll be sitting in my mom's kitchen eating them up. Heck, I can't afford any BAD luck!
Of course, how much worse could 2009 be? Wait....I probably shouldn't ask that! So goodbye 2008. May a great deal of your memories be buried deep in my mind and heart, and may 2009 bring a bit more happiness for us.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Dear Andrew
I never got to hear you laugh
you never saw me cry.
Didnt get a chance to say "Hello,"
you never said "Goodbye."
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn;
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special,
I shared it all exclusively;
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick -
you were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel,
and every Angel is divine.
God needed one in heaven;
He came down and took home mine.
And although we are not together,
we're really not apart;
for you'll always occupy a space
deep down within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain,
it's only some days now I cry;
when I wish I could have said "Hello,"
and heard you say "Goodbye."
I came across this today, and it suited my mood. I've received several little gifts over the last week or so in rememberence of Andrew, and as I sat down to put everything in his little memory box, I pulled out his hospital blanket and cried into it. I suppose it's been a couple of days since I cried, at least over our loss of Andrew. I sometimes wonder if that's wrong, and I'm forgetting him somehow. It makes me feel very guilty. The rational part of me says no, but the part of me that misses him so deeply tells me otherwise. But I know it's part of grieving, of moving forward. Not getting over his death, but working around it.
So those are my thoughts for today. Not very upbeat, but not completely depressing either. My pillow invites me now....I've had several dreams of Andrew lately. Maybe tonight I'll dream of just saying "hello".
you never saw me cry.
Didnt get a chance to say "Hello,"
you never said "Goodbye."
I didn't think that I could feel
so sad, lost and forlorn;
I never knew God chose his Angels
before some of them were born.
Your life was short yet special,
I shared it all exclusively;
I felt you breathe, I felt you kick -
you were alive inside of me.
Every baby is an Angel,
and every Angel is divine.
God needed one in heaven;
He came down and took home mine.
And although we are not together,
we're really not apart;
for you'll always occupy a space
deep down within my heart.
Time has begun to ease my pain,
it's only some days now I cry;
when I wish I could have said "Hello,"
and heard you say "Goodbye."
I came across this today, and it suited my mood. I've received several little gifts over the last week or so in rememberence of Andrew, and as I sat down to put everything in his little memory box, I pulled out his hospital blanket and cried into it. I suppose it's been a couple of days since I cried, at least over our loss of Andrew. I sometimes wonder if that's wrong, and I'm forgetting him somehow. It makes me feel very guilty. The rational part of me says no, but the part of me that misses him so deeply tells me otherwise. But I know it's part of grieving, of moving forward. Not getting over his death, but working around it.
So those are my thoughts for today. Not very upbeat, but not completely depressing either. My pillow invites me now....I've had several dreams of Andrew lately. Maybe tonight I'll dream of just saying "hello".
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Christmas Eve surprise
We had our Christmas lunch at my mom's house today; it was a fun day with only a few emotional ups and downs. The kids loaded up on Christmas gifts, and we enjoyed good company in family and friends. Our big family gift from my mom and dad was a Wii; while everyone was excited, Jonathan was completely beside himself with happiness. After an afternoon of fun, we loaded up the van with toys and kids, and headed out.
We made a planned stop at the cemetery to have a little Christmas visit with Andrew, and wound up with a surprise; Andrew's marker had been put in. It brought a fresh wave of tears and sorrow to see my baby boy's name etched in that stone, but it brought about joy as well. I'm glad that Andrew's little spot is properly marked now. It gives him the recognition that he deserves, and that I need for him.
I have Andrew a Christmas gift. Is that madness? Probably, but I guess I'm not exactly the picture of sanity lately. Anyway, it's an angel holding a baby. It's called "A Mother's Love." It's supposed to symbolize the never-ending love that a mother has for her child. I plan to put it on his grave, and now that his marker is in, I think it will look nice sitting there. I wish that I'd taken it with me today, but I had no clue that the marker was even ready, much less in. So, I won't be dwell on it too much, although I did some pretty hard kicking of myself earlier for not taking it along anyway.
So...Merry Christmas my baby boy. Godspeed little man.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
December whirlwind
I haven't posted lately for a variety of reasons. First of all, I've been extremely busy. Secondly, there's been so much happening that I feel overwhelmed and behind because I haven't posted anything. So then I get even further behind because I'm putting it off. How's that for productive?
Where to begin? I guess where I left off before. I was going to the firing range that day. Oh it was a bad day. And not at all what I needed. I completely lost it that day and had a total breakdown in front of everyone. I won't get into all the details, but here's the gist of it. I yelled at my supervisor following a comment he made to me. I won't say that what I said to him was out of line, but my attitude about it probably was. Then I had issues with Jonathan being in the after-school program while I was at the firing range, and they wouldn't let him stay. I finally got that worked out with my mom's help, and got back to shooting. Then I had a gun malfunction and totally got thrown off (as Kusco would say, it through off my groove) while shooting, and did horrible. HORRIBLE! Last year I qualified almost a perfect score. This year, I barely passed. And that was the final straw for me that day. I started crying, right there on the firing line. Right in front of everyone. And the instructor basically sent me home.
Why did those thing affect me so badly? I'm not sure. But it did. My emotions are still pretty raw, I guess, and it doesn't take much to set me off. I went home frustrated and cried the rest of the night. My poor children...how much more do they have to take of this?
Moving along....
Annah started running a fever the next morning, but had no other symptoms, so I decided to wait it out. They called me from school that afternoon and I had to pick her up, but she still seemed okay. Throughout the weekend though, she got worse. She started refusing to eat, and her temp kept going up. I had the Christmas parade to participate in with CHAMPS on Sunday, and my mom kept the kids. Annah really acted fine when she was there, but during the night her temperature got up to 104.5. It really freaked me out. I called in to work Monday morning and took her to the doctor right after getting the boys to school. And they immediately sent us over to the hospital. The reason? Annah had pneumonia.
What kind of mom am I? Geez...my three year old had pneumonia and I didn't have a clue. Worse yet, I'd just let it go and hoped that the fever would go away. Anyway, we wound up in the hospital with her on IV antibiotics for three days. Walking into that hospital was hard; it was the last place I was with Andrew. But I got passed it (I won't say I got over it, because I don't think I ever will), and was able to focus on Annah. She was doted on by her loving grandma and other friends, and wound up with puzzles, books, and stuffed animals galore. I missed a great deal of work, but it was necessary. (Oh, and as a side note, I've been advised by my job that I should probably talk to someone...I apparently need counseling. Since my life is falling apart at times, I'm an emotional wreck, and it affects me a lot - even at work sometimes. I don't have a reason or anything...my son died, my husband was gone for three months, my daughter was in the hospital...everything's fine, right? Why should I be a wreck?) She was discharged late Wednesday night, and we came home with her much better, but still having some recovering to do.
In the meantime, we were counting down the days til Austin came home. He was supposed to graduate from his training on Wednesday morning and get on the road shortly after. He called me at 9:30 Wednesday morning saying that he was on the way home. I was thrilled because he'd gotten on the road earlier than expected. We kept in touch all day on Wednesday; he got into bad weather as a storm moved across the southeastern United States, but he managed to keep driving. He stopped Wednesday night around 8:30 to spend the night at a motel, and at 7:00 Thursday morning, he called to let me know he was on the road again. While we were talking, my doorbell rang (I was screaming inside because someone was ringing my doorbell at 7 a.m. and Annah was still sleeping!) and when I opened the door while still talking to Austin on the phone, it was him that I came face to face with! Surprise! He'd actually graduated Tuesday afternoon, and left Wednesday morning around 2 a.m.!
Having Austin home helps the way things feel, but I'd forgotten that we've been apart for three months, and it takes some adjustment time when we're all together again. The normal craziness and noise of the kids gets to him easily, and he gets frustrated. All the things that I wanted to wait and do when he got home seemed too hard to get done once he was actually here. But we're all together again, and that's what matters.
We did manage to take the kids to see Santa last night, and go look at some Christmas lights. It made for a late night, but the kids enjoyed it, and it was important to me that we went.
Our Christmas tree is up and decorated. It took a lot to get that done. It felt wrong to put the ornaments on the tree...I kept thinking that Andrew will never get to do those things with us, and it was hard. But it's done, and the kids are happy with it. I'm glad we did it...I didn't want to, but it's important to them. It's important to me too...I just can't feel it right now. But things will get better. I've decorated more this year than other years...it's important to both me and Austin that the kids really enjoy Christmas this year; that they feel the Spirit of Christmas. It helps me too...this is usually my favorite time of year, and I want to enjoy it with my family. I want it to be perfect.
So, life moves right along. Crazy, wonderful, sad, happy, and every other emotion you can think of. And I continue to ramble on....
Where to begin? I guess where I left off before. I was going to the firing range that day. Oh it was a bad day. And not at all what I needed. I completely lost it that day and had a total breakdown in front of everyone. I won't get into all the details, but here's the gist of it. I yelled at my supervisor following a comment he made to me. I won't say that what I said to him was out of line, but my attitude about it probably was. Then I had issues with Jonathan being in the after-school program while I was at the firing range, and they wouldn't let him stay. I finally got that worked out with my mom's help, and got back to shooting. Then I had a gun malfunction and totally got thrown off (as Kusco would say, it through off my groove) while shooting, and did horrible. HORRIBLE! Last year I qualified almost a perfect score. This year, I barely passed. And that was the final straw for me that day. I started crying, right there on the firing line. Right in front of everyone. And the instructor basically sent me home.
Why did those thing affect me so badly? I'm not sure. But it did. My emotions are still pretty raw, I guess, and it doesn't take much to set me off. I went home frustrated and cried the rest of the night. My poor children...how much more do they have to take of this?
Moving along....
Annah started running a fever the next morning, but had no other symptoms, so I decided to wait it out. They called me from school that afternoon and I had to pick her up, but she still seemed okay. Throughout the weekend though, she got worse. She started refusing to eat, and her temp kept going up. I had the Christmas parade to participate in with CHAMPS on Sunday, and my mom kept the kids. Annah really acted fine when she was there, but during the night her temperature got up to 104.5. It really freaked me out. I called in to work Monday morning and took her to the doctor right after getting the boys to school. And they immediately sent us over to the hospital. The reason? Annah had pneumonia.
What kind of mom am I? Geez...my three year old had pneumonia and I didn't have a clue. Worse yet, I'd just let it go and hoped that the fever would go away. Anyway, we wound up in the hospital with her on IV antibiotics for three days. Walking into that hospital was hard; it was the last place I was with Andrew. But I got passed it (I won't say I got over it, because I don't think I ever will), and was able to focus on Annah. She was doted on by her loving grandma and other friends, and wound up with puzzles, books, and stuffed animals galore. I missed a great deal of work, but it was necessary. (Oh, and as a side note, I've been advised by my job that I should probably talk to someone...I apparently need counseling. Since my life is falling apart at times, I'm an emotional wreck, and it affects me a lot - even at work sometimes. I don't have a reason or anything...my son died, my husband was gone for three months, my daughter was in the hospital...everything's fine, right? Why should I be a wreck?) She was discharged late Wednesday night, and we came home with her much better, but still having some recovering to do.
In the meantime, we were counting down the days til Austin came home. He was supposed to graduate from his training on Wednesday morning and get on the road shortly after. He called me at 9:30 Wednesday morning saying that he was on the way home. I was thrilled because he'd gotten on the road earlier than expected. We kept in touch all day on Wednesday; he got into bad weather as a storm moved across the southeastern United States, but he managed to keep driving. He stopped Wednesday night around 8:30 to spend the night at a motel, and at 7:00 Thursday morning, he called to let me know he was on the road again. While we were talking, my doorbell rang (I was screaming inside because someone was ringing my doorbell at 7 a.m. and Annah was still sleeping!) and when I opened the door while still talking to Austin on the phone, it was him that I came face to face with! Surprise! He'd actually graduated Tuesday afternoon, and left Wednesday morning around 2 a.m.!
Having Austin home helps the way things feel, but I'd forgotten that we've been apart for three months, and it takes some adjustment time when we're all together again. The normal craziness and noise of the kids gets to him easily, and he gets frustrated. All the things that I wanted to wait and do when he got home seemed too hard to get done once he was actually here. But we're all together again, and that's what matters.
We did manage to take the kids to see Santa last night, and go look at some Christmas lights. It made for a late night, but the kids enjoyed it, and it was important to me that we went.
Our Christmas tree is up and decorated. It took a lot to get that done. It felt wrong to put the ornaments on the tree...I kept thinking that Andrew will never get to do those things with us, and it was hard. But it's done, and the kids are happy with it. I'm glad we did it...I didn't want to, but it's important to them. It's important to me too...I just can't feel it right now. But things will get better. I've decorated more this year than other years...it's important to both me and Austin that the kids really enjoy Christmas this year; that they feel the Spirit of Christmas. It helps me too...this is usually my favorite time of year, and I want to enjoy it with my family. I want it to be perfect.
So, life moves right along. Crazy, wonderful, sad, happy, and every other emotion you can think of. And I continue to ramble on....
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Out of sorts
Have you ever felt just a bit off? Kind of like driving around in a bad fog and not knowing exactly where/what things were? That's how I feel today. Actually I've felt that way for a while. I can still function, but things just feel off. Thing that I used to enjoy doing/felt comfortable with are no longer that way. I know my friends see it...especially one group of them. I have a hard time focusing on normal conversations...I don't feel like I have anything to contribute to them. So to my friends, I'm sorry. Please don't give up on me...I'm trying.
I went to the hospital today to visit someone who's there. It didn't even occur to me that I'd have a problem with it until I started to get out of the car, and I had a complete panic attack. The person I was going to visit was up on the same floor where I had Andrew. All of the sudden I was physically sick to my stomach, and I couldn't even walk into the hospital, couldn't even get out of the car. So I drove away feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not going in, wondering if and when things will ever feel normal again.
So I'm out of sorts today...just a bit off. Now I'm on my way to the firing range to qualify with my firearms for work, and I'm actually ready for once. Hopefully shooting a bunch of paper bad guys will get out some frustration.
I went to the hospital today to visit someone who's there. It didn't even occur to me that I'd have a problem with it until I started to get out of the car, and I had a complete panic attack. The person I was going to visit was up on the same floor where I had Andrew. All of the sudden I was physically sick to my stomach, and I couldn't even walk into the hospital, couldn't even get out of the car. So I drove away feeling overwhelmed with guilt for not going in, wondering if and when things will ever feel normal again.
So I'm out of sorts today...just a bit off. Now I'm on my way to the firing range to qualify with my firearms for work, and I'm actually ready for once. Hopefully shooting a bunch of paper bad guys will get out some frustration.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
A Christmas tree for Andrew
Christmas is usually my favorite time of year. This year, not so much. I'm having a hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I haven't put my tree up yet; I say every night that I'm going to, and then just can't bring myself to get it out. It doesn't feel right yet. My plan has been to get it done before Austin comes home, but I'm not sure it will happen. I'm going to try though.
I did, however, go visit with Andrew today. I was able to spend some time alone at the cemetary (my mom kept the kids for me), and I just talked to him. I always feel closer to Andrew when I'm at the cemetary...I'm not sure why, but I do. So I visit often. Today I talked to him about my love of Christmas, and how I wanted to be able to do something for him for Christmas. So I took him a Christmas tree. It's beautiful, that tiny tree. Just like he was.
His little spot of ground has been tended to by the funeral home, and the sinking dirt has been filled in and the gravel has been put back on top. It's been so well taken care of in fact, that it looks like it did before Andrew was buried. Austin says it was fixed too good. It made me sad to look at it...even more than it usually does. Nobody can tell that he's there, and that hurts to think about. I'll be glad when his little headstone is in, so it can mark the spot for my special boy. He deserves the recognition. And I need it. Afterwards I went back to my mom's house and cried into her arms for a while over my baby boy. (Even at 32, when I hurt I want my mommy...)
So...the Christmas season begins, and with it comes the love that this time of year brings...hopefully the peace and hope will be there too. So Merry Christmas, my darling baby Andrew. I love you.
I did, however, go visit with Andrew today. I was able to spend some time alone at the cemetary (my mom kept the kids for me), and I just talked to him. I always feel closer to Andrew when I'm at the cemetary...I'm not sure why, but I do. So I visit often. Today I talked to him about my love of Christmas, and how I wanted to be able to do something for him for Christmas. So I took him a Christmas tree. It's beautiful, that tiny tree. Just like he was.
His little spot of ground has been tended to by the funeral home, and the sinking dirt has been filled in and the gravel has been put back on top. It's been so well taken care of in fact, that it looks like it did before Andrew was buried. Austin says it was fixed too good. It made me sad to look at it...even more than it usually does. Nobody can tell that he's there, and that hurts to think about. I'll be glad when his little headstone is in, so it can mark the spot for my special boy. He deserves the recognition. And I need it. Afterwards I went back to my mom's house and cried into her arms for a while over my baby boy. (Even at 32, when I hurt I want my mommy...)
So...the Christmas season begins, and with it comes the love that this time of year brings...hopefully the peace and hope will be there too. So Merry Christmas, my darling baby Andrew. I love you.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thanksgiving in Virginia
We had a whirlwind Thanksgiving this year. Malew, the kids, and I headed out toward Virginia on Tuesday, the 25th, stopping overnight in Columbia, SC to stay with some friends. (Thanks goes to Ms. Juanita, who's house is now dubbed by Jonathan as the Granny house.) We took our time traveling, and made a few stops to shop and eat when we wanted to. On one of our gas stops, a very kind Marine let Jonathan sit on his motercycle and rev it up and allowed me to take some pictures. Interestingly enough, in the course of general chit chat, it came out that I'd be seding the picture to my husband, who was stationed at Lackland Air Force Base in Texas. It's a small world, because I then learned that this nice man was headed to Lackland Air Force Base himself for some training!
We arrived at Derek and Kat's house in Emporia, VA late Wednesday afternoon, and I have to say it wasn't a moment too soon; we were tired from a long day of non-hurried, multi-state travel with three children. We had a nice evening where the cousins all got to play together and the grown-ups could chat, then headed off to bed for some much needed rest.
On Thursday (Thanksgiving day), the Leonards arrived for brunch and a day of visiting between the families. Kat and Katherine snapped a bunch of pictures of the kids playing outside while I was trying to get the webcam to work so that Austin could be in on the fun. Then Thanksgiving dinner itself was served around 5:00 p.m., and what a feast it was; I think everyone had prepared a dish or two and had a hand in it in some way. Afterwards we sat around talking and working on cross stitching/knitting/crocheting while watched the kids play the Wii, build lego houses, and generally just enjoy the time with their long-distance cousins. It was a late night and we all headed to bed after the Leonards got back on the road to Powhatan.
We ventured out on Black Friday for some great deals of Christmas gifts...we enjoyed lunch at the Olive Garden, where we met up with part of the Leonard clan and celebrated Katherine's birthday with soup, salad, and a nice chocolate cake! We hit Michael's craft store, where some rude young cashier commented on my poor mothering skills after Jonathan had a meltdown in the checkout line. Unlucky for that cashier, she chose to make ugly comments about me to the person standing who had been behind me in line...and the person behind THAT person was Katherine - my sister-in-law. Katherine quickly put her in her place, and after telling me about it outside, it was all I could do not to go back in the store and go off. But I was nice and didn't.
We split up again, Katherine and family heading back to their house, and we headed back to Derek and Kat's to pack up and get some rest before heading out for home on Saturday. Our drive home took eleven and a half hours, but we stopped in Smithville, NC for some outlet shopping, where I picked up a few more Christmas gifts. The weather didn't help us any, and it poured rain and spit fog for 3/4 of the trip.
But all in all, it was good. It was lonely without Austin...it didn't feel right. And it was a bit sad, because that was supposed to be the weekend that I showed up and revealed to everyone (by them seeing me) that I was pregnant. So I was a bit focused on "what might have been"....but at the same time, I enjoyed it very much. I'm so thankful for family. I have never been treated like anything other than family by the Lewises, and it's a wonderful feeling, in contrast to how I was treated by Matthew's biological father's family when we were married. I made a point to tell everyone that at our Thanksgiving dinner.
Anyway, that's our whirlwind Thanksgiving. Now on to Christmas...and Austin coming home!
We arrived at Derek and Kat's house in Emporia, VA late Wednesday afternoon, and I have to say it wasn't a moment too soon; we were tired from a long day of non-hurried, multi-state travel with three children. We had a nice evening where the cousins all got to play together and the grown-ups could chat, then headed off to bed for some much needed rest.
On Thursday (Thanksgiving day), the Leonards arrived for brunch and a day of visiting between the families. Kat and Katherine snapped a bunch of pictures of the kids playing outside while I was trying to get the webcam to work so that Austin could be in on the fun. Then Thanksgiving dinner itself was served around 5:00 p.m., and what a feast it was; I think everyone had prepared a dish or two and had a hand in it in some way. Afterwards we sat around talking and working on cross stitching/knitting/crocheting while watched the kids play the Wii, build lego houses, and generally just enjoy the time with their long-distance cousins. It was a late night and we all headed to bed after the Leonards got back on the road to Powhatan.
We ventured out on Black Friday for some great deals of Christmas gifts...we enjoyed lunch at the Olive Garden, where we met up with part of the Leonard clan and celebrated Katherine's birthday with soup, salad, and a nice chocolate cake! We hit Michael's craft store, where some rude young cashier commented on my poor mothering skills after Jonathan had a meltdown in the checkout line. Unlucky for that cashier, she chose to make ugly comments about me to the person standing who had been behind me in line...and the person behind THAT person was Katherine - my sister-in-law. Katherine quickly put her in her place, and after telling me about it outside, it was all I could do not to go back in the store and go off. But I was nice and didn't.
We split up again, Katherine and family heading back to their house, and we headed back to Derek and Kat's to pack up and get some rest before heading out for home on Saturday. Our drive home took eleven and a half hours, but we stopped in Smithville, NC for some outlet shopping, where I picked up a few more Christmas gifts. The weather didn't help us any, and it poured rain and spit fog for 3/4 of the trip.
But all in all, it was good. It was lonely without Austin...it didn't feel right. And it was a bit sad, because that was supposed to be the weekend that I showed up and revealed to everyone (by them seeing me) that I was pregnant. So I was a bit focused on "what might have been"....but at the same time, I enjoyed it very much. I'm so thankful for family. I have never been treated like anything other than family by the Lewises, and it's a wonderful feeling, in contrast to how I was treated by Matthew's biological father's family when we were married. I made a point to tell everyone that at our Thanksgiving dinner.
Anyway, that's our whirlwind Thanksgiving. Now on to Christmas...and Austin coming home!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Had a bad day
I really did. It didn't start off so bad, but it ended that way. And all because of one thing I had to do. I ordered Andrew's headstone.
I started crying as we were going over the details of what to put on the headstone, and I told the owner of the funeral home (Rick Williams, of Williams Funeral Home, has been so good to our family during this hellish time and I'll be trying to figure out a way to thank him for the rest of my life) that this was just NOT something that a parent was supposed to have to do. He agreed with me and said that seeing parents have to bury their children was the hardest thing.
After doing that, nothing seemed to be right and I spent the rest of the day pretty down and even angry. Right now I'm not angry...just sad. I never imagined that this would happen to our family, and even though I know that Andrew's short life was a huge blessing to us, I'm still struggling. I know there are people out there that don't understand what we've been through, and think that I just need to get over it/get past it, but I can't. I don't even WANT to right now. The hurt is too new, too fresh; the memories are too vivid.
So...I had a bad day. Or at least a hard one. I hope the hardest ones are over now, because at this point, I'm not sure how much more my heart can take.
I started crying as we were going over the details of what to put on the headstone, and I told the owner of the funeral home (Rick Williams, of Williams Funeral Home, has been so good to our family during this hellish time and I'll be trying to figure out a way to thank him for the rest of my life) that this was just NOT something that a parent was supposed to have to do. He agreed with me and said that seeing parents have to bury their children was the hardest thing.
After doing that, nothing seemed to be right and I spent the rest of the day pretty down and even angry. Right now I'm not angry...just sad. I never imagined that this would happen to our family, and even though I know that Andrew's short life was a huge blessing to us, I'm still struggling. I know there are people out there that don't understand what we've been through, and think that I just need to get over it/get past it, but I can't. I don't even WANT to right now. The hurt is too new, too fresh; the memories are too vivid.
So...I had a bad day. Or at least a hard one. I hope the hardest ones are over now, because at this point, I'm not sure how much more my heart can take.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Movie MADNESS!
It's been a movie weekend around here. However, first let me publicly admit that I'm insane. Yep...I know it. What convinced me? I took Matthew, Jonathan, and Annah to the movies Friday evening....alone!
We were one of only three families in the theater, so that helped. Jonathan and Annah were pretty good for the first 30 minutes or so, then the previews were over rand the movie started. Seriously. They were tired by the time it started and wound up running all over the theather, but periodically settled down and watched the show. Oh, it was Madagascar 2, otherwise known in our house as the "move it move it" movie. It was cute...I've never watched the first one, but the kids have and they enjoyed it. However, I will say that I WILL NOT do that again on my own.
Then on Saturday, my mom came over to the house and watched the little kids while Matthew and I went to see Twilight. I've been waiting for months and months to see it, and let me just say Oh my GOSH! I have never loved a movie like I loved Twilight! It was very fast paced and although it left out a lot of the little details that were in the book, I completely enjoyed it. Matthew did as well, although he's never read the books. (That's his next thing on his to-do list.)
So it was a time enjoyed by all four of us. Take the little kids to the movies alone was hard, and I don't plan to go back to the movies with the kids until after Austin comes home, but it was still fun and they enjoyed it - which is what matters. We're making memories.
We were one of only three families in the theater, so that helped. Jonathan and Annah were pretty good for the first 30 minutes or so, then the previews were over rand the movie started. Seriously. They were tired by the time it started and wound up running all over the theather, but periodically settled down and watched the show. Oh, it was Madagascar 2, otherwise known in our house as the "move it move it" movie. It was cute...I've never watched the first one, but the kids have and they enjoyed it. However, I will say that I WILL NOT do that again on my own.
Then on Saturday, my mom came over to the house and watched the little kids while Matthew and I went to see Twilight. I've been waiting for months and months to see it, and let me just say Oh my GOSH! I have never loved a movie like I loved Twilight! It was very fast paced and although it left out a lot of the little details that were in the book, I completely enjoyed it. Matthew did as well, although he's never read the books. (That's his next thing on his to-do list.)
So it was a time enjoyed by all four of us. Take the little kids to the movies alone was hard, and I don't plan to go back to the movies with the kids until after Austin comes home, but it was still fun and they enjoyed it - which is what matters. We're making memories.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Lunch with Jonathan
Jonathan's school had a Thanksgiving lunch today, and parents were invited to come and eat with their child. I managed to fix my schedule so that I could go, and it was fun. Jonathan was excited to see me there, and lunch wasn't bad either. As I sat looking around the room, I began to read all of the the arts and crafts decorations that they kids had made. On each table was a small pumpkin, with a recipe for cooking turkey stuck in the top of each. The kids came up with their own recipes and directions for cooking them. Jonathan's said, "Cook for 66 minutes on 100 degrees. Take it out and eat it, but you have to say the prayer first." It gave me a laugh.
Another wall had "I AM THANKFUL FOR..." and then each child's picture and what they're thankful for. Most had things like "my mom", "my brother", and "God". But not Jonathan's; his said "McDonalds move it, movie it toys!" What can I say? My boy is an "I like to move it, move it"...er, I mean...."Madagascar" fan!
What's the saying? Oh yeah...he marches to the beat of his own drummer.
Another wall had "I AM THANKFUL FOR..." and then each child's picture and what they're thankful for. Most had things like "my mom", "my brother", and "God". But not Jonathan's; his said "McDonalds move it, movie it toys!" What can I say? My boy is an "I like to move it, move it"...er, I mean...."Madagascar" fan!
What's the saying? Oh yeah...he marches to the beat of his own drummer.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Hi ho, hi ho, it's back to work (and life) I go
As I've already mentioned, last Friday was my first day back at work, and after a long day, I was glad that I'd started back on a Friday so that I'd have the weekend to recuperate. Monday, however, started a whole new work week for me, and I wasn't quite as prepared as I thought I was.
My first class on Monday morning was difficult; I was caught off-guard by some of the slides in my presentation (my fault...I didn't even read through my lesson this weekend) regarding tobacco use in pregnant women and the results in their babies. It didn't in any way have anything to do with me and my situation with Andrew, but it affected me nonetheless. I had a hard time slipping back into my familiar bantering with the kids too...I just didn't seem to be able to pull it together quite right, and my grove was off. I left the class really down, and questioning myself as to whether or not I'd be able to continue doing this.
I had a break of a little over an hour, and I sat in my car for a great deal of that time just thinking....about nothing and about everything at the same time. I was really kind of out of it. But I made it to class on time, and was met by the kids with the warmest reception I could have possibly asked for. What is normally one of my hardest classes (just because of the sheer number of kids in the class - more than 40) turned out to be the brightest spot in my day. I was hugged by almost every child in the class, and after the lesson was over (it was kind of short because I kind of skipped over some of what I couldn't handle regarding the babies) the kids sat around with me and asked to hear some of my "war stories" from my days on patrol. They kept telling me how much they'd missed me, and how much they loved hearing me talk and tell stories about myself and my job. And I was finally able to remember WHY I love my job so much...and why I WANT to be there doing what I do.
So it was good, but it was also very hard; the whole week has been hard. I've cried several times when talking to some of the teachers about Andrew; they want to know his details, and I'm willing to tell them. As much as it hurts to talk about him, it is also wonderful, because he's my baby boy, and I don't have very much of him to share. It's funny, because I thought I wouldn't want to answer questions about what happened to Andrew, and now I'm almost offended when it's so obvious that people want to avoid talking about him. That's crazy, I know.
It's also odd to see how people look at me when we talk. They look at my face, but I watch their eyes wander to my stomach....there's been quite a change there in the last month. On top of the obvious fact that I'm no longer pregnant, I've lost quite a bit of weight. I can tell that they want to say something, but just don't know what or how. It makes me uncomfortable that they're uncomfortable, so I don't hang around long. It makes me long for the days when I actually avoided people after I started to show with Andrew...I didn't want to hear the smart comments about all the kids that I have, so I just avoided it when I could. But at least there was something happy about that, something that I looked forward to.
I ran into an acquaintance this afternoon at Walmart, and she kind of gave me a hard time about not coming around to see her (I know her through her job)...I told her it had just been a rough time and that I hadn't been out much or seen anyone. She didn't even know I'd been pregnant with Andrew, so I didn't feel the need to bring up his death...until she made a comment about how life was hard and it just needed to be handled one day at a time. It brought me to tears, and I told her about our baby. She was shocked, and caught by surprise, so the conversation ended pretty quickly and she went on her way. I felt bad about catching her off-guard like that, but I also felt good about telling another person about Andrew. Being able to talk about him openly is a step in the right direction...I hope.
After an okay day at work, coming home with my kids was difficult. I'd gotten a bit down, and they were all extremely hyper. I made alphabet soup for supper, thinking it would be fun, but apparently I was the only one that thought that, and little hands reached into the bowls and flung noodle alphabets and veggies all over the dining room. (Thank goodness for Bella and her willingness to eat ANYTHING off the floor!) Afterwards, Annah was overly tired (not sure she had a nap today), and Jonathan was on a rampage with his little anger episodes; he wound up pulling all the cushions off of the couch, so I put him in time out in his room. Unfortunately all that did was fuel his fire, and he DESTROYED his room, including pulling the linens off his bed and clothes out of the drawers. I still haven't put it back together completely. So by 7 p.m., I was ready for the little ones to go to sleep. Over an hour later, they were finally out, and now it's quiet here. Matthew is at Young Men/Scouts at church, and as soon as he comes home, it's going to be bedtime for this mental case.
So...there's my sad post for the day. I think I'm back in the saddle though...if I can stay at a slow trot and not get thrown off...I'll be okay.
My first class on Monday morning was difficult; I was caught off-guard by some of the slides in my presentation (my fault...I didn't even read through my lesson this weekend) regarding tobacco use in pregnant women and the results in their babies. It didn't in any way have anything to do with me and my situation with Andrew, but it affected me nonetheless. I had a hard time slipping back into my familiar bantering with the kids too...I just didn't seem to be able to pull it together quite right, and my grove was off. I left the class really down, and questioning myself as to whether or not I'd be able to continue doing this.
I had a break of a little over an hour, and I sat in my car for a great deal of that time just thinking....about nothing and about everything at the same time. I was really kind of out of it. But I made it to class on time, and was met by the kids with the warmest reception I could have possibly asked for. What is normally one of my hardest classes (just because of the sheer number of kids in the class - more than 40) turned out to be the brightest spot in my day. I was hugged by almost every child in the class, and after the lesson was over (it was kind of short because I kind of skipped over some of what I couldn't handle regarding the babies) the kids sat around with me and asked to hear some of my "war stories" from my days on patrol. They kept telling me how much they'd missed me, and how much they loved hearing me talk and tell stories about myself and my job. And I was finally able to remember WHY I love my job so much...and why I WANT to be there doing what I do.
So it was good, but it was also very hard; the whole week has been hard. I've cried several times when talking to some of the teachers about Andrew; they want to know his details, and I'm willing to tell them. As much as it hurts to talk about him, it is also wonderful, because he's my baby boy, and I don't have very much of him to share. It's funny, because I thought I wouldn't want to answer questions about what happened to Andrew, and now I'm almost offended when it's so obvious that people want to avoid talking about him. That's crazy, I know.
It's also odd to see how people look at me when we talk. They look at my face, but I watch their eyes wander to my stomach....there's been quite a change there in the last month. On top of the obvious fact that I'm no longer pregnant, I've lost quite a bit of weight. I can tell that they want to say something, but just don't know what or how. It makes me uncomfortable that they're uncomfortable, so I don't hang around long. It makes me long for the days when I actually avoided people after I started to show with Andrew...I didn't want to hear the smart comments about all the kids that I have, so I just avoided it when I could. But at least there was something happy about that, something that I looked forward to.
I ran into an acquaintance this afternoon at Walmart, and she kind of gave me a hard time about not coming around to see her (I know her through her job)...I told her it had just been a rough time and that I hadn't been out much or seen anyone. She didn't even know I'd been pregnant with Andrew, so I didn't feel the need to bring up his death...until she made a comment about how life was hard and it just needed to be handled one day at a time. It brought me to tears, and I told her about our baby. She was shocked, and caught by surprise, so the conversation ended pretty quickly and she went on her way. I felt bad about catching her off-guard like that, but I also felt good about telling another person about Andrew. Being able to talk about him openly is a step in the right direction...I hope.
After an okay day at work, coming home with my kids was difficult. I'd gotten a bit down, and they were all extremely hyper. I made alphabet soup for supper, thinking it would be fun, but apparently I was the only one that thought that, and little hands reached into the bowls and flung noodle alphabets and veggies all over the dining room. (Thank goodness for Bella and her willingness to eat ANYTHING off the floor!) Afterwards, Annah was overly tired (not sure she had a nap today), and Jonathan was on a rampage with his little anger episodes; he wound up pulling all the cushions off of the couch, so I put him in time out in his room. Unfortunately all that did was fuel his fire, and he DESTROYED his room, including pulling the linens off his bed and clothes out of the drawers. I still haven't put it back together completely. So by 7 p.m., I was ready for the little ones to go to sleep. Over an hour later, they were finally out, and now it's quiet here. Matthew is at Young Men/Scouts at church, and as soon as he comes home, it's going to be bedtime for this mental case.
So...there's my sad post for the day. I think I'm back in the saddle though...if I can stay at a slow trot and not get thrown off...I'll be okay.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Just stuff
I had another post here, but I deleted it because I realize that I wrote it while I was extremely angry, and just because I had my feelings hurt doesn't mean that I need to hurt anyone else.
I've had some advice that I needed to stop posting all of my sad and angry thoughts and feelings that are associated with Andrew's death. I took a break and thought about that for a while, and almost stopped. But after some serious thought, and some advice from some really good friends, I've decided to keep posting. My thoughts are simply that...mine. It's my way to ventilate feelings that I have about our loss of Andrew, and all of the the crazy feelings and emotions surrounding and associated with his death. My baby died. It sucks, and no amount of venting will every change that. But for me, writing about it helps a little bit. So I'm going to write.
Please don't feel like you have to read. I know that I am not completely together at this point; I understand that my posts are sad and angry sounding. I'M sad and angry right now. I still have joys, and still realize my blessings, but they are very much shadowed at this point, and I think that's pretty normal. And if not, well...I'm not very normal anyway. I'm trying my hardest, one day at a time...and some days are a lot better than others. So, the tone of my posts will reflect how my days have gone. And that's all there is to it.
I've had some advice that I needed to stop posting all of my sad and angry thoughts and feelings that are associated with Andrew's death. I took a break and thought about that for a while, and almost stopped. But after some serious thought, and some advice from some really good friends, I've decided to keep posting. My thoughts are simply that...mine. It's my way to ventilate feelings that I have about our loss of Andrew, and all of the the crazy feelings and emotions surrounding and associated with his death. My baby died. It sucks, and no amount of venting will every change that. But for me, writing about it helps a little bit. So I'm going to write.
Please don't feel like you have to read. I know that I am not completely together at this point; I understand that my posts are sad and angry sounding. I'M sad and angry right now. I still have joys, and still realize my blessings, but they are very much shadowed at this point, and I think that's pretty normal. And if not, well...I'm not very normal anyway. I'm trying my hardest, one day at a time...and some days are a lot better than others. So, the tone of my posts will reflect how my days have gone. And that's all there is to it.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Go ahead....
Here's one of the most random entries I've made lately...but it's a thought I had, so I'm going to write it down for posterity. I'm sure it will be so useful to future generations (insert eye roll here). Maybe I'll be able to look back and laugh at myself at some point.
I went to Kroger today, and in my search for a parking space, I came across Kroger's "Expectant/New Mom" parking spots. And it totally pissed me off. I mean, it's great when you're a waddling, eight month pregnant woman, or when you have a teeny tiny baby that you want to rush in out of the cold...but what about when you're a new mom that no longer has a baby? It sucked. I wanted to park there so badly...just because. Just because I SHOULD be able to. Because it's not freaking fair that I can't.
So go ahead. Give it to me life. Kick me when I'm down, why dontcha?
I went to Kroger today, and in my search for a parking space, I came across Kroger's "Expectant/New Mom" parking spots. And it totally pissed me off. I mean, it's great when you're a waddling, eight month pregnant woman, or when you have a teeny tiny baby that you want to rush in out of the cold...but what about when you're a new mom that no longer has a baby? It sucked. I wanted to park there so badly...just because. Just because I SHOULD be able to. Because it's not freaking fair that I can't.
So go ahead. Give it to me life. Kick me when I'm down, why dontcha?
Friday, November 14, 2008
Live life for the now
I went back to work today...it was a hard day. I came home completely drained, both physically and emotionally. But it was a step in the right direction.
It was hard to see and talk to people, but at the same time, it was good to see the familiar faces. I didn't plan it, but I wound up going around to each of my schools and talking to my kids and my teachers about what's happened. I began by letting them know I'd missed them all, then asked them if they thought I looked different. Of course, everyone replied yes. Then I went into a completely unprepared explaination of Andrew's death. I told them all that I'd had my baby, but that he couldn't stay with us, and that he had to go back and live with God. It was the simpliest and most honest explaination I could give them, and it was important to me that they knew the truth, because THEY are important to me, and I wanted to share Andrew with them in a small way.
I also told them that life is short, and that we never know how much time we'll have. I told them that it is important to treat other people the way that we know they should be treated, and tell people what you need to now...because you never know if how much time you'll have with them. I really feel that it's urgent to live life for the now, because tomorrow might not come. We have to live our lives the way they need to be lived, and love people the way they need to be loved....because life is too short not to.
All of the kids had all been very excited to hear that I'd had Andrew, but the news of his death hit hard. Most took it well...there were some tears, some very sad faces, and lots of hugs from them to me. And although I didn't know it at the time, one student in particular was very upset. I later talked to the teacher, and she told me how sad the student was that she'd made me cry, because as soon as she saw me, she had asked if I'd had the baby. I had to explain after her question, and she told the teacher that she never would have asked if she'd known I would get upset. The teacher explained to her that it wasn't her question, but the situation that had upset me and made me cry. The student, a very sweet girl, then wrote a letter to me that the teacher passed on.
"Dear Deputy Lewis,
It must be hard for you. Don't cry, you made me really open my eyes and see that life is too short and all the people that I hate I'm gonna be friends with them, because life is too short to waste time hating people. I'm gonna stop and follow my dreams just the way you did. I pray to God that your life goes good and for Him to bless your heart. Something good is coming to you. I love you Deputy lewis and you're going to be just fine, and I'm going to pray every night for you, I promise.
Love, J.K."
I was so touched...talk about tears. They ran down my face as I sat in my car and read her letter. I did so much crying today that I honestly felt that my tears had run out for a while, and I didn't feel like crying anymore. It didn't last long, but that's the first time I've felt that way.
A couple of other things happened today that contributed to my emotional roller coaster as well. The hospital called and said that Andrew's pictures came in, so I went and picked them up. I did a lot of crying over the beauty of them....I was reminded again how very perfect my baby was.
Being at the hospital reminded me that I wanted to talk to my two wonderful nurses that were with me when Andrew was born. So tonight, I typed up a very heartfelt letter to them and packed a small portion of the peanut butter fudge that my mom made for us, and went to visit at the hospital. Only one of them was on duty, but I was able to visit with Christy for a few minutes and hopefully let her know how much I appreciated her. I'll visit with Lorane tomorrow when she's working.
It was hard being back at the hospital where I was with Andrew. There were a lot of reminders. But it was very important to me that I let these ladies know honestly how much they meant to me, and how much they'd helped me during the most difficult time of my life. I'd already put it off for an entire month...it was time to do it. You never know how much time you'll have....right? Nobody knows this better than I do.
So...the day is done, and I survived. I won't say I enjoyed it, or even wanted to do it, but I did it anyway. I'm still doing my best with what I have....so again, my best will have to do.
It was hard to see and talk to people, but at the same time, it was good to see the familiar faces. I didn't plan it, but I wound up going around to each of my schools and talking to my kids and my teachers about what's happened. I began by letting them know I'd missed them all, then asked them if they thought I looked different. Of course, everyone replied yes. Then I went into a completely unprepared explaination of Andrew's death. I told them all that I'd had my baby, but that he couldn't stay with us, and that he had to go back and live with God. It was the simpliest and most honest explaination I could give them, and it was important to me that they knew the truth, because THEY are important to me, and I wanted to share Andrew with them in a small way.
I also told them that life is short, and that we never know how much time we'll have. I told them that it is important to treat other people the way that we know they should be treated, and tell people what you need to now...because you never know if how much time you'll have with them. I really feel that it's urgent to live life for the now, because tomorrow might not come. We have to live our lives the way they need to be lived, and love people the way they need to be loved....because life is too short not to.
All of the kids had all been very excited to hear that I'd had Andrew, but the news of his death hit hard. Most took it well...there were some tears, some very sad faces, and lots of hugs from them to me. And although I didn't know it at the time, one student in particular was very upset. I later talked to the teacher, and she told me how sad the student was that she'd made me cry, because as soon as she saw me, she had asked if I'd had the baby. I had to explain after her question, and she told the teacher that she never would have asked if she'd known I would get upset. The teacher explained to her that it wasn't her question, but the situation that had upset me and made me cry. The student, a very sweet girl, then wrote a letter to me that the teacher passed on.
"Dear Deputy Lewis,
It must be hard for you. Don't cry, you made me really open my eyes and see that life is too short and all the people that I hate I'm gonna be friends with them, because life is too short to waste time hating people. I'm gonna stop and follow my dreams just the way you did. I pray to God that your life goes good and for Him to bless your heart. Something good is coming to you. I love you Deputy lewis and you're going to be just fine, and I'm going to pray every night for you, I promise.
Love, J.K."
I was so touched...talk about tears. They ran down my face as I sat in my car and read her letter. I did so much crying today that I honestly felt that my tears had run out for a while, and I didn't feel like crying anymore. It didn't last long, but that's the first time I've felt that way.
A couple of other things happened today that contributed to my emotional roller coaster as well. The hospital called and said that Andrew's pictures came in, so I went and picked them up. I did a lot of crying over the beauty of them....I was reminded again how very perfect my baby was.
Being at the hospital reminded me that I wanted to talk to my two wonderful nurses that were with me when Andrew was born. So tonight, I typed up a very heartfelt letter to them and packed a small portion of the peanut butter fudge that my mom made for us, and went to visit at the hospital. Only one of them was on duty, but I was able to visit with Christy for a few minutes and hopefully let her know how much I appreciated her. I'll visit with Lorane tomorrow when she's working.
It was hard being back at the hospital where I was with Andrew. There were a lot of reminders. But it was very important to me that I let these ladies know honestly how much they meant to me, and how much they'd helped me during the most difficult time of my life. I'd already put it off for an entire month...it was time to do it. You never know how much time you'll have....right? Nobody knows this better than I do.
So...the day is done, and I survived. I won't say I enjoyed it, or even wanted to do it, but I did it anyway. I'm still doing my best with what I have....so again, my best will have to do.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Four weeks
It's been four weeks since I had my sweet baby Andrew. Four weeks since I saw him for the first time, since I held him, kissed his head, and then never saw him again. It sounds like no time at all, but it feels like an eternity. I feel like I've lost the last month of my life, because I can't account for most of it. Today I was given a clean bill of physical health from my doctor. Tomorrow, I go back to work.
Am I ready? I don't think so. But I have to do it. I'm not going to be ready in another week, month, or even six months...but I have to go back. I'm running out of sick/vacation time, and duty calls. It's time. Can I handle it? I'm not sure...I'm going to try my best.
That's my new response....I'm doing my best. I'm doing the best I can, in everything - my emotions, my parenting, my household skills. So tomorrow, I'll do my best at work....and my best will have to do.
Am I ready? I don't think so. But I have to do it. I'm not going to be ready in another week, month, or even six months...but I have to go back. I'm running out of sick/vacation time, and duty calls. It's time. Can I handle it? I'm not sure...I'm going to try my best.
That's my new response....I'm doing my best. I'm doing the best I can, in everything - my emotions, my parenting, my household skills. So tomorrow, I'll do my best at work....and my best will have to do.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
It's me....I think
I'm back. I think. Okay, physically, I'm back in town from my visit to San Antonio. Austin and I had a great time. I felt more like myself while I was there than I have in the past month. But now I'm home...and I'm trying to figure out just who "me" really is now. Reality set in today...life has to go on. As Austin says, quoting John Wayne, it's time to saddle up.
I don't feel like the same person that I was just four short weeks ago. Four weeks? That's all? It feels like an eternity. In four weeks I have: become a mother for the fourth time, planned and attended the funeral of my son (how the hell did that HAPPEN???), forgotten how to talk to people, forgotten how to take care of my children, forgotten how to clean my house, forgotten how to cook dinner or wash clothes, and just about every single other thing that I've ever done. I've hid at home during church, and I've intentionally not looked at people when I've accidentally ran into them on one of my few outings. I've run away a couple of times - once halfway across the country, ignored phone calls from friends, and generally been a witch. Yeah, I know it....it's not a secret.
So who am I now? I'm not sure. I'm not who I was before. But I'm in the process of finding myself. Or at least the person I am now. I smile less. I look different. I AM different. A part of me is gone, and I don't think that part will ever be there again. A little bit of me died with Andrew. But that doesn't mean that I can't go on living; it's just going to take some time to find out HOW to live...differently now.
Andrew taught us a lot in his time with us; he taught me that life is short, and you never know how much time you'll have. He taught me to love in a way that I never even knew was possible before. He brought my family closer together; he gave us perspective. He was a huge blessing in our lives; one of the best things that's ever happened to us. And I'm grateful; I'm grateful that I'm his mother, that I was able to have him for the time that I did, and that he was special enough to be able to skip this test of life and go back to live with our Father in Heaven.
So I'll go on somehow...I'll figure it out eventually. For life, for love, for my wonderful husband, for my children that are with me. And I'll go on for Andrew, because he'd want me to.
I don't feel like the same person that I was just four short weeks ago. Four weeks? That's all? It feels like an eternity. In four weeks I have: become a mother for the fourth time, planned and attended the funeral of my son (how the hell did that HAPPEN???), forgotten how to talk to people, forgotten how to take care of my children, forgotten how to clean my house, forgotten how to cook dinner or wash clothes, and just about every single other thing that I've ever done. I've hid at home during church, and I've intentionally not looked at people when I've accidentally ran into them on one of my few outings. I've run away a couple of times - once halfway across the country, ignored phone calls from friends, and generally been a witch. Yeah, I know it....it's not a secret.
So who am I now? I'm not sure. I'm not who I was before. But I'm in the process of finding myself. Or at least the person I am now. I smile less. I look different. I AM different. A part of me is gone, and I don't think that part will ever be there again. A little bit of me died with Andrew. But that doesn't mean that I can't go on living; it's just going to take some time to find out HOW to live...differently now.
Andrew taught us a lot in his time with us; he taught me that life is short, and you never know how much time you'll have. He taught me to love in a way that I never even knew was possible before. He brought my family closer together; he gave us perspective. He was a huge blessing in our lives; one of the best things that's ever happened to us. And I'm grateful; I'm grateful that I'm his mother, that I was able to have him for the time that I did, and that he was special enough to be able to skip this test of life and go back to live with our Father in Heaven.
So I'll go on somehow...I'll figure it out eventually. For life, for love, for my wonderful husband, for my children that are with me. And I'll go on for Andrew, because he'd want me to.
Monday, November 10, 2008
San Antonio
It's beautiful here. Crowded, noisy, and the roads are absolutely insane...but it's beautiful. Definitely different than what I'm used to. I'm glad that Austin has been doing the driving, because there's no way I could manage these crazy roads! We've done a lot of stuff that I've never done/we've never done together...we've had a lot of fun. And we've been able to do a lot of talking about important stuff.
My plane ride out was an experience; I had a terribly long wait at the airport...I got there way too early, breezed through security in less than five minutes, and then waited for more than three hours. Thankfully I brought a couple of books, and I read while I waited. And I watched people; that's always fun....people are so interesting, and each of them are different. Anyway, I had a pretty neat lady sitting next to me...I confided that it was my first flight, and she gave me a lot of nifty flying tips. Take-off was a bit of a shock, but I survived, and enjoyed the flight; it was nice and smoooth with no problems. The two and a half hours went by pretty fast, and before I knew it, it was time for landing. I expected landing to be rough, but it was smooth and flawless. I was impressed.
Austin was waiting for me at baggage claim, and I jumped into his arms immediately. He was fancy looking...cowboy hat and shirt, jeans and boots. He looked awesome. I love cowboys. We got my bag, and got out of the airport quickly. We were both hungry, so we stopped at a local restuarant - Taco Cabana, which I really liked - for dinner. I made some phone calls to let my mom and Malew know that I'd arrived, and then we headed to Austin's room for the evening.
Austin had class on Friday, but on Friday afternoon/evening, we went out to our "big" dinner; we ate at Texas Land and Cattle. The food was soooooo good. The service...well, I've had lots better. But oh the food! I had a small steak and lobster - which I've never had before. Oh my gosh...I would have loved to eat JUST lobster! Austin had a big Texas steak....you know, one of those that covers your plate almost completely. And big surprise? Austin could have eaten more. I was sad that he was disappointed...but it was still all very good. After dinner we went and bought a new DVD and went back to the room, wrapped up in each other, and watched our movie.
On Saturday, we went into downtown San Antonio. We visited the Alamo, walked the streets of downtown and the Riverwalk over and over again, and then had a wonderful lunch at a place on the Riverwalk called The Original, a mexican restuarant. Austin said some silly stuff about it being the original mexican restuarant on this street, but we did some reading on the menu and it's actually the very first mexican restuarant opened in the United States. And the food was fabulous! The portions were huge, and I felt terrible about how much we wasted, but it was wonderful regardless.
Afterwards, we did some shopping at the mall, and the went to an IMAX movie. I'd never been to one before. We saw one called Dinosaur in 3D, which turned out to be less of a movie and more like a National Geographic special; the movie wasn't great....the experience was awesome though. After that, we went back to the car and headed back to the room. Neither of us needed any dinner, but we went to Green Bean coffee and each got a large cup of hot chocolate. Mmmmmmm! We had planned to go out dancing, but we were both tired, so we nixed that idea, and made plans for Sunday afternoon after church instead.
We got up on Sunday morning kind of lazily....it was so nice being able to roll over and be in Austin's arms. I've missed that. When we got up, we got ready for church, grabbed a change of clothes for afterwards, and headed out. The ward that we went to was an English speaking Spanish ward. It was definitely different; being the minority was really weird, but it was a nice experience. The church is the same no matter where you go, even though the people are different. I teared up several times during the hymns....I kept being reminded of Andrew, and Austin noticed my mood, but I managed to get through it and I was fine afterwards.
We left and went to lunch, then headed to Sea World for the afternoon. It was military appreciation day, and we had a complimentary pass. There was also a special country music concert after the park closed, just for the military families, and we decided to hang around for that. We'd never been to a concert together, and although Austin doesn't like country music very much, he wanted us to go. We rode some roller coasters (have I ever mentioned how much I dislike coasters? But I wanted to ride with Austin because he loves them!), saw a bunch of animals (the penguins were cool and we took pictures for Annah-bug), had a snack, then saw the Shamu show. We sat in the fifth row and of course, got soaked! But it was so neat! Those people have such an awesome job!
Afterwards we sat for a bit and then headed to the concert. The band was the Kevin Fowler band, and although I'd never heard of them, it was a lot of fun. Austin and I stood together and did a bit of dancing at the edge of the stage, and just enjoyed being together doing things we'd never done together before.
When it was all over, we strolled through the closed park, holding hands and savoring the moments. We left the park, stopped at a Jack in the Box for dinner, and then headed back to the room. Unfortunately we managed to get slightly lost, but it didn't take long to get us back where we needed to be and on to our room.
Today is a duty day for Austin, so I'm in the room alone. I plan to go to the base exchange and do some shopping, have some hot chocolate, and maybe get my hair cut. I have to do some laundry, repack my bag, and get my things ready to leave tomorrow. It's been awesome, and I'm so thankful that I was able to come and spend time with Austin; we really needed this. (Thank you to my very special and wonderful friends who made it possible for my visit to be longer!) It's time to start getting back to life....it's going to be hard, but it's necessary. My children are waiting on me at home, my job and my school kids are waiting on me to come back and teach them, and life goes on....somehow. I'll figure it out. This has been the starting point of that.
My plane ride out was an experience; I had a terribly long wait at the airport...I got there way too early, breezed through security in less than five minutes, and then waited for more than three hours. Thankfully I brought a couple of books, and I read while I waited. And I watched people; that's always fun....people are so interesting, and each of them are different. Anyway, I had a pretty neat lady sitting next to me...I confided that it was my first flight, and she gave me a lot of nifty flying tips. Take-off was a bit of a shock, but I survived, and enjoyed the flight; it was nice and smoooth with no problems. The two and a half hours went by pretty fast, and before I knew it, it was time for landing. I expected landing to be rough, but it was smooth and flawless. I was impressed.
Austin was waiting for me at baggage claim, and I jumped into his arms immediately. He was fancy looking...cowboy hat and shirt, jeans and boots. He looked awesome. I love cowboys. We got my bag, and got out of the airport quickly. We were both hungry, so we stopped at a local restuarant - Taco Cabana, which I really liked - for dinner. I made some phone calls to let my mom and Malew know that I'd arrived, and then we headed to Austin's room for the evening.
Austin had class on Friday, but on Friday afternoon/evening, we went out to our "big" dinner; we ate at Texas Land and Cattle. The food was soooooo good. The service...well, I've had lots better. But oh the food! I had a small steak and lobster - which I've never had before. Oh my gosh...I would have loved to eat JUST lobster! Austin had a big Texas steak....you know, one of those that covers your plate almost completely. And big surprise? Austin could have eaten more. I was sad that he was disappointed...but it was still all very good. After dinner we went and bought a new DVD and went back to the room, wrapped up in each other, and watched our movie.
On Saturday, we went into downtown San Antonio. We visited the Alamo, walked the streets of downtown and the Riverwalk over and over again, and then had a wonderful lunch at a place on the Riverwalk called The Original, a mexican restuarant. Austin said some silly stuff about it being the original mexican restuarant on this street, but we did some reading on the menu and it's actually the very first mexican restuarant opened in the United States. And the food was fabulous! The portions were huge, and I felt terrible about how much we wasted, but it was wonderful regardless.
Afterwards, we did some shopping at the mall, and the went to an IMAX movie. I'd never been to one before. We saw one called Dinosaur in 3D, which turned out to be less of a movie and more like a National Geographic special; the movie wasn't great....the experience was awesome though. After that, we went back to the car and headed back to the room. Neither of us needed any dinner, but we went to Green Bean coffee and each got a large cup of hot chocolate. Mmmmmmm! We had planned to go out dancing, but we were both tired, so we nixed that idea, and made plans for Sunday afternoon after church instead.
We got up on Sunday morning kind of lazily....it was so nice being able to roll over and be in Austin's arms. I've missed that. When we got up, we got ready for church, grabbed a change of clothes for afterwards, and headed out. The ward that we went to was an English speaking Spanish ward. It was definitely different; being the minority was really weird, but it was a nice experience. The church is the same no matter where you go, even though the people are different. I teared up several times during the hymns....I kept being reminded of Andrew, and Austin noticed my mood, but I managed to get through it and I was fine afterwards.
We left and went to lunch, then headed to Sea World for the afternoon. It was military appreciation day, and we had a complimentary pass. There was also a special country music concert after the park closed, just for the military families, and we decided to hang around for that. We'd never been to a concert together, and although Austin doesn't like country music very much, he wanted us to go. We rode some roller coasters (have I ever mentioned how much I dislike coasters? But I wanted to ride with Austin because he loves them!), saw a bunch of animals (the penguins were cool and we took pictures for Annah-bug), had a snack, then saw the Shamu show. We sat in the fifth row and of course, got soaked! But it was so neat! Those people have such an awesome job!
Afterwards we sat for a bit and then headed to the concert. The band was the Kevin Fowler band, and although I'd never heard of them, it was a lot of fun. Austin and I stood together and did a bit of dancing at the edge of the stage, and just enjoyed being together doing things we'd never done together before.
When it was all over, we strolled through the closed park, holding hands and savoring the moments. We left the park, stopped at a Jack in the Box for dinner, and then headed back to the room. Unfortunately we managed to get slightly lost, but it didn't take long to get us back where we needed to be and on to our room.
Today is a duty day for Austin, so I'm in the room alone. I plan to go to the base exchange and do some shopping, have some hot chocolate, and maybe get my hair cut. I have to do some laundry, repack my bag, and get my things ready to leave tomorrow. It's been awesome, and I'm so thankful that I was able to come and spend time with Austin; we really needed this. (Thank you to my very special and wonderful friends who made it possible for my visit to be longer!) It's time to start getting back to life....it's going to be hard, but it's necessary. My children are waiting on me at home, my job and my school kids are waiting on me to come back and teach them, and life goes on....somehow. I'll figure it out. This has been the starting point of that.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Getting the heck out of Dodge
I'm leaving. Tomorrow. I am so ready to get out of town and to a place where nobody knows me and I don't have to avoid looking people in the eye when they speak. Where am I going? San Antonio, Texas. I'm going to see my sweetie.
We so need some time alone. We haven't had any time together since Andrew's death, and we really need it. Austin was able to fly home for Andrew's funeral, but he had to go back less than 24 hours later; his time at home was consumed by spending time with the kids, who were hounding him for attention, and the funeral. No real time for us, and boy did we want and need it. So for the next five days, it's just us. Of course, Austin will still have class during the day on Friday and Monday, but we'll have the evenings and all weekend. We'll also have Tuesday, since it's Veteran's day and he doesn't have class. I'll fly home late Tuesday.
MaLew will be at home with the kids, and my mom is coming to help out some too. Both of these women have been such wonders in all of this; I couldn't have made it without them. Between both grandmas and school, the kids will be well occupied. I'm even getting a pet-sitter out of the deal, so I don't have to board Bella, April, and Max at the vet!
As much as I'm running away, it's also an adventure for me. I've never even flown, much less been to a big city like San Antonio. I have a lot of anxiety over making the trip; I'm hugely looking forward to it, but I'm nervous as heck. I've never done anything ilke this, so it's going to be an experience.
Anyway, as I've been telling Austin, I'm ready to get the hell out of Dodge....and it's for a variety of reasons. So....running away or being Miss Adventure (both actually), San Antonio, here I come. And into my sweetheart's arms.
We so need some time alone. We haven't had any time together since Andrew's death, and we really need it. Austin was able to fly home for Andrew's funeral, but he had to go back less than 24 hours later; his time at home was consumed by spending time with the kids, who were hounding him for attention, and the funeral. No real time for us, and boy did we want and need it. So for the next five days, it's just us. Of course, Austin will still have class during the day on Friday and Monday, but we'll have the evenings and all weekend. We'll also have Tuesday, since it's Veteran's day and he doesn't have class. I'll fly home late Tuesday.
MaLew will be at home with the kids, and my mom is coming to help out some too. Both of these women have been such wonders in all of this; I couldn't have made it without them. Between both grandmas and school, the kids will be well occupied. I'm even getting a pet-sitter out of the deal, so I don't have to board Bella, April, and Max at the vet!
As much as I'm running away, it's also an adventure for me. I've never even flown, much less been to a big city like San Antonio. I have a lot of anxiety over making the trip; I'm hugely looking forward to it, but I'm nervous as heck. I've never done anything ilke this, so it's going to be an experience.
Anyway, as I've been telling Austin, I'm ready to get the hell out of Dodge....and it's for a variety of reasons. So....running away or being Miss Adventure (both actually), San Antonio, here I come. And into my sweetheart's arms.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I wish I had...
I've been thinking a lot lately about the things I wish I had done when I was still pregnant with Andrew. I can never go back and do those things, and I have a lot of regrets. Those are moments I'll never get back, and it makes me very sad.
I wish I had read to Andrew and talked to him more.
I wish I had appreciated and showed off my growing belly more, instead of trying to look smaller.
I wish I had rubbed my belly more.
I wish I had taken more pictures.
I wish I hadn't gotten annoyed when Jonathan wanted to "kiss the baby" just one more time before he got on the bus.
I wish I could have felt Andrew move more.
I wish Austin could have felt Andrew move.
I wish I had gone to the doctor when I first started feeling off.
I wish I had gotten a copy of that last ultrasound picture.
I wish I had actually been on the phone with Austin, even if weren't talking, the moment Andrew was born.
I wish I had held him longer.
I wish I had taken more pictures of him after he was born.
I wish I had allowed more people to come to his service.
I wish....I wish....I wish.....I wish I had my baby back.
I wish I had read to Andrew and talked to him more.
I wish I had appreciated and showed off my growing belly more, instead of trying to look smaller.
I wish I had rubbed my belly more.
I wish I had taken more pictures.
I wish I hadn't gotten annoyed when Jonathan wanted to "kiss the baby" just one more time before he got on the bus.
I wish I could have felt Andrew move more.
I wish Austin could have felt Andrew move.
I wish I had gone to the doctor when I first started feeling off.
I wish I had gotten a copy of that last ultrasound picture.
I wish I had actually been on the phone with Austin, even if weren't talking, the moment Andrew was born.
I wish I had held him longer.
I wish I had taken more pictures of him after he was born.
I wish I had allowed more people to come to his service.
I wish....I wish....I wish.....I wish I had my baby back.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Just those few weeks
A friend of mine shared this with me, and it describes my grief in ways that only another mother of a lost child can. Thank you Jeanne, for sharing it.
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
--Susan Erling
Just Those Few Weeks
For those few weeks--
I had you to myself.
And that seems too short a time
To be changed so profoundly.
In those few weeks--
I came to know you...
and to love you.
You came to trust me with your life.
Oh, what a life I had planned for you!
Just those few weeks--
When I lost you.
I lost a lifetime of hopes,
plans, dreams, and aspirations...
A slice of my future simply vanished overnight.
Just those few weeks--
It wasn't enough to convince others
how special and important you were.
How odd, a truly unique person has recently died
and no one is mourning the passing.
Just a mere few weeks--
And no "normal" person would cry all night
over a tiny, unfinished baby,
or get depressed and withdraw day after endless day.
No one would, so why am I?
You were those few weeks my little one
you darted in and out of my life too quickly.
But it seems that's all the time you needed
to make my life so much richer
and give me a small glimpse of eternity.
--Susan Erling
Still hiding...
It's Sunday morning, and I'm at home again. Malew just left for church with Jonathan, and Matthew is off visiting for the weekend; Annah hasn't been feeling well the last few days, so it was a good excuse to stay home again. It's just the two of us here now.
The truth of it all? I just didn't want to go. Austin and I had a long talk about it last night and he made a lot of good points about the wonderful people at church, and while I KNOW I need to go back, I just can't. People there will be very kind...compassionate, understanding, and loving. Maybe that's what scares me. I know that I'll dissolve in tears each time someone comes to hugs me and tell me how sorry they are about Andrew, and I'm not ready to do that in public. I'm supposed to be stronger than that. Aren't I?
So here I am...still hiding within the comfort zone of home. At some point I have to leave, but not today.
The truth of it all? I just didn't want to go. Austin and I had a long talk about it last night and he made a lot of good points about the wonderful people at church, and while I KNOW I need to go back, I just can't. People there will be very kind...compassionate, understanding, and loving. Maybe that's what scares me. I know that I'll dissolve in tears each time someone comes to hugs me and tell me how sorry they are about Andrew, and I'm not ready to do that in public. I'm supposed to be stronger than that. Aren't I?
So here I am...still hiding within the comfort zone of home. At some point I have to leave, but not today.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Halloween horrors
Okay, so it really wasn't that horrible; it was okay. I was excited about taking the kids out (I feel like I've been a crappy mom to them lately) but I was a nervous wreck about actually going out in public in Milledgeville - the first real time since Andrew was born. My fear was that I'd run into someone who would want to talk. About Andrew, his birth and death, what happened, how they've dealt with a loved ones death, etc. etc. etc. I just wasn't ready for that, and I was scared. But I was blessed; I didn't run into a single person that knew the situation. Every one of them were people that I haven't seen in several months, and they didn't even know I was pregnant. So they didn't know to say anything.
Don't get me wrong...I want to talk about Andrew. I love my baby boy...he was and still is one of the best things that's ever happened to us. But it's really hard to talk to someone about him when it's not on my terms. It scares me, makes me feel trapped or smothered. I don't want people to ignore what's happened, feel uncomfortable around me, or not ask questions; I just want them to be mindful of how hard it is, and if I look freaked out, understand that I'm having a hard time and might not be able to talk about it all. But I'm rambling again.
Anyway, the kids had a good time; they dutifully said "Trick or Treat!" at every stop, and even finished with a big "Thank you!" without being prompted. I think Matthew felt a little out of place, or too old for it all or something, but he participated to get the candy. Annah hasn't been feeling well the past couple of days, and as soon as the trick or treating was done, she spiraled downhill. Her fever suddenly shot back up to almost 103, and she was so tired and unhappy. I'm glad she was able to have fun before really taking a turn for the worse.
Matthew was a skateboarder (and looked just like he does every single day!), Jonathan was Batman, and Annah was Batgirl. So cute!
So it wasn't a horrible Halloween; just a bit emotional and tiring. Oh, and to top it all off, today is the 15 year anniversary of my dad's death. Nice to think about on Halloween every year, huh? I guess October isn't the best month for me....
But anyway, here are some pictures of the fam....
Don't get me wrong...I want to talk about Andrew. I love my baby boy...he was and still is one of the best things that's ever happened to us. But it's really hard to talk to someone about him when it's not on my terms. It scares me, makes me feel trapped or smothered. I don't want people to ignore what's happened, feel uncomfortable around me, or not ask questions; I just want them to be mindful of how hard it is, and if I look freaked out, understand that I'm having a hard time and might not be able to talk about it all. But I'm rambling again.
Anyway, the kids had a good time; they dutifully said "Trick or Treat!" at every stop, and even finished with a big "Thank you!" without being prompted. I think Matthew felt a little out of place, or too old for it all or something, but he participated to get the candy. Annah hasn't been feeling well the past couple of days, and as soon as the trick or treating was done, she spiraled downhill. Her fever suddenly shot back up to almost 103, and she was so tired and unhappy. I'm glad she was able to have fun before really taking a turn for the worse.
Matthew was a skateboarder (and looked just like he does every single day!), Jonathan was Batman, and Annah was Batgirl. So cute!
So it wasn't a horrible Halloween; just a bit emotional and tiring. Oh, and to top it all off, today is the 15 year anniversary of my dad's death. Nice to think about on Halloween every year, huh? I guess October isn't the best month for me....
But anyway, here are some pictures of the fam....
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The world keeps turning...
Today, I went into the next down with my mom, and although we had a good time, the long ride there and back gave me a lot of time to think. And think...and think. About Andrew, his birth, the things he'll never get to do. As I sat in the restuarant at lunch and looked around, I realized that it irritated me that life was going on. People were having lunch, laughing and talking. Didn't they realize that my baby died? Didn't they realize my heart still hurts? Of course they didn't...they didn't know me. A friend of mine is going through this same thing right now...she lost her baby just four short days before I lost Andrew; the other day she said that she wishes she could put a sign around her neck that says, "My baby died" so that people know that she's a mother, and that her baby just isn't with her. I so understand how she feels. Nobody can look at me and tell that I just gave birth...and that I am mourning Andrew's death. So of course life goes on around me, even with people that I know. That's the one certain thing that will always happen.....life goes on, with or without people. The world still turns, the sun still rises and sets, the tides still turn. With or without me, with or without my Andrew. So I must go on....somehow. And I will....it's just figuring out the 'how' part that's the hardest.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
NOT The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
Yeah....our pumpkin patch experience was NOT a fun one this year. MaLew and I went and picked up the little kids from school/daycare today, then went to wait for Matthew to get out of school. She'd called and had the secretary tell him that we'd pick him up and not to get on the bus, so I didn't foresee any problems. But problems there were.
To make a VERY long story a bit shorter, we wound up having to chase down the bus and get Matthew off....someone forgot to tell him that we were coming to get him. Then we got into a huge traffic jam because of school traffic AND major road construction; it took us a half hour to go just a few miles. By that time, I had to take a potty break, as did the kids. Jonathan had a major meltdown on the sidewalk in front of the convenience store where we stopped, and that didn't help a bit. We finally got back on the road and made it to the pumpkin patch, but by that time, everyone was in a terrible mood and didn't even want to go. When we got there, we found out that almost all the pumpkins were sold and gone!
The kids ran around for a few minutes and I tried to take some pictures, which wound up being a waste of time - they wouldn't cooperate with me. I managed to get one decent one, which made it LOOK like we were having a blast. We were NOT. I came home completely worn out and very frustrated. It didn't help that I'd already spent the majority of the day going through boxes of baby clothes and giving stuff away, or that I ran across my diaper bag that already has Jonathan and Annah's names embroidered on it - it was supposed to have Andrew's too. So my mood wasn't the best anyway.
Austin says it doesn't matter if we had a crappy time; what matters is that I took them to do something fun. They might not remember the details of it, but they'll remember that we did fun things together. I certainly hope so.
To make a VERY long story a bit shorter, we wound up having to chase down the bus and get Matthew off....someone forgot to tell him that we were coming to get him. Then we got into a huge traffic jam because of school traffic AND major road construction; it took us a half hour to go just a few miles. By that time, I had to take a potty break, as did the kids. Jonathan had a major meltdown on the sidewalk in front of the convenience store where we stopped, and that didn't help a bit. We finally got back on the road and made it to the pumpkin patch, but by that time, everyone was in a terrible mood and didn't even want to go. When we got there, we found out that almost all the pumpkins were sold and gone!
The kids ran around for a few minutes and I tried to take some pictures, which wound up being a waste of time - they wouldn't cooperate with me. I managed to get one decent one, which made it LOOK like we were having a blast. We were NOT. I came home completely worn out and very frustrated. It didn't help that I'd already spent the majority of the day going through boxes of baby clothes and giving stuff away, or that I ran across my diaper bag that already has Jonathan and Annah's names embroidered on it - it was supposed to have Andrew's too. So my mood wasn't the best anyway.
Austin says it doesn't matter if we had a crappy time; what matters is that I took them to do something fun. They might not remember the details of it, but they'll remember that we did fun things together. I certainly hope so.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Flowers for my little man, and other stuff
I took flowers to my boy today; the ones from his service were all but dead, and I couldn't bear the thought of his little spot being bare. I wanted very much to put something bright and fun there, so I made up an arrangement of my own. Lots of bright, beautiful fall colors in a big wicker basket, with a cute scarecrow sticking out of the top. It's fall...Halloween, Thanksgiving....and his resting spot deserves some of the beautiful wonder of the time of year. It's always so cold and bland there, and I wanted to brighten it up for my little man. Silly, huh? As much as I think other people will believe that, I actually don't. It makes me feel better to be able to do SOMETHING for him; even some thing so small. Anyway, I thought they were pretty.
I worked at home today. Took down the crib, packed up baby clothes to both save and to give away. Tomorrow will be more of the same. I feel the need to get the stuff out of my sight. I'm not making hasty decisions....I just can't look at it. The crib was the hardest to handle; it's been up since before Jonathan was born. But, it had to be done, and I'm glad it is now. Tomorrow we'll actually take the stuff we're getting rid of to the Salvation Army store and be done with that part.
We're also going to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow afternoon. Getting out in public isn't what I want to do, but my poor children need it, and truth be known, I probably do too. So we'll go. Hopefully I'll have the mind to remember to take the camera, so maybe I'll have some pictures to post tomorrow night.
I worked at home today. Took down the crib, packed up baby clothes to both save and to give away. Tomorrow will be more of the same. I feel the need to get the stuff out of my sight. I'm not making hasty decisions....I just can't look at it. The crib was the hardest to handle; it's been up since before Jonathan was born. But, it had to be done, and I'm glad it is now. Tomorrow we'll actually take the stuff we're getting rid of to the Salvation Army store and be done with that part.
We're also going to the Pumpkin Patch tomorrow afternoon. Getting out in public isn't what I want to do, but my poor children need it, and truth be known, I probably do too. So we'll go. Hopefully I'll have the mind to remember to take the camera, so maybe I'll have some pictures to post tomorrow night.
Monday, October 27, 2008
A better day
It's been a better day today. My mother-in-law is still staying with me, and she convinced me to get out today. We went and did some clothes shopping, which, if I have to be honest, I'm not that great at. But I wound up with a couple of new outfits in my new smaller size (funny how it's taken this to get the pounds off of me...I've lost so much weight in the last two weeks that I'm actually down one size from my pre-Andrew days), ready to look my best when I start venturing out in public again. (Yeah, that didn't happen today...we went to Macon, where I wouldn't bump into anyone I knew.)
The kids went back to school today...so we're falling back into a routine. Once I get the all-clear from my doctor to go back to work (my appointment is on the 13th, so I still have a couple of weeks), maybe things will start feeling normal again. Then again, I'm not sure anything will ever be normal again...but maybe it will be closer than we are right now.
The kids went back to school today...so we're falling back into a routine. Once I get the all-clear from my doctor to go back to work (my appointment is on the 13th, so I still have a couple of weeks), maybe things will start feeling normal again. Then again, I'm not sure anything will ever be normal again...but maybe it will be closer than we are right now.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Hiding out
My Facebook message today says "Stacy is hiding out at home because she's not ready to talk to people." A friend of mine sent me a message saying that she doesn't believe that I'm hiding, but that I'm saying a lot to anyone who will take the time to read my words. The truth of it all? I really am a coward.
I truly am hiding...I just don't know what to say to anyone face to face. What's happened, what I've experienced, is so foreign to most people that they'll never understand completely. To go through a real labor, to hold Andrew, to kiss his tiny hands and then hand him back and never see him again....I don't know how to be the person I was before, because it feels like a part of me has died too. I don't know how to answer the standard "How are you doing?" that everyone asks. Do I lie and say, "I'm okay," and move on? Or should I be honest and tell them that I'm a basketcase and not sure if I'm supposed to laugh or cry or both? That I can't make a simple decision on what to have for lunch, and can someone please just order for me? That I can't tell my son if I'll be taking them Trick-or-Treat'ing next week, because I don't even know if I can get through tomorrow yet?
So in the end, it's just easier to hide. Sure, I write. But I'm writing for myself...not for anyone else. Writing helps...it gets the craziness out for a moment or two. Kind of like people that cut themselves to relieve their pain. (Don't worry, I'm not that far gone!) It takes up some time during the day...when the kids don't need me and I am ignoring things that should be done....I write. And write. And write.
And I keep hiding.
Sorry Sarah...normally you're right about stuff, but not this time. I'm just a coward.
I truly am hiding...I just don't know what to say to anyone face to face. What's happened, what I've experienced, is so foreign to most people that they'll never understand completely. To go through a real labor, to hold Andrew, to kiss his tiny hands and then hand him back and never see him again....I don't know how to be the person I was before, because it feels like a part of me has died too. I don't know how to answer the standard "How are you doing?" that everyone asks. Do I lie and say, "I'm okay," and move on? Or should I be honest and tell them that I'm a basketcase and not sure if I'm supposed to laugh or cry or both? That I can't make a simple decision on what to have for lunch, and can someone please just order for me? That I can't tell my son if I'll be taking them Trick-or-Treat'ing next week, because I don't even know if I can get through tomorrow yet?
So in the end, it's just easier to hide. Sure, I write. But I'm writing for myself...not for anyone else. Writing helps...it gets the craziness out for a moment or two. Kind of like people that cut themselves to relieve their pain. (Don't worry, I'm not that far gone!) It takes up some time during the day...when the kids don't need me and I am ignoring things that should be done....I write. And write. And write.
And I keep hiding.
Sorry Sarah...normally you're right about stuff, but not this time. I'm just a coward.
Touched
It's amazing how people come together during a tragedy. I've gotten emails and messages about my sweet Andrew from people that I haven't seen or heard from in years, messages simply offering prayers and condolences and offers of help in any way. I'm truly touched. To my old friends and those that I see and talk to regularly, thank you; our family has gotten this far in this horrible time thanks to you. Your prayers and offers of help have not gone unnoticed. Please forgive me if I don't respond to you directly...I'm still having trouble talking to people. But know that I love you all, and appreciate all that you do for us.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
A fun post for a change...
Austin got some time to himself today, and went into downtown San Antonio to do the tourist thing. I told him that I EXPECTED a picture to be sent to me at some point today, and he didn't let me down. So...with his PERMISSION (and I probably would have posted it even without it Austin!), here he is at The Alamo!
Nine days
It's been nine days since my baby boy came into the world and never took his first breath. Nine days since I went through labor and delivery, looked at his perfect little face and held his hands, and then walked out of the hospital without a baby. Nine days since I started wondering when I'd wake up from this nightmare. Now I think I'm beginning to realize that I won't.
Things are odd feeling; things are different. It's hard to leave the house and come back in again...it feels funny, like I'm forgetting something. I still can't talk to people, or even look them in the eye. But life goes on, I suppose. I laughed yesterday. It felt funny, even made me feel guilty. Who am I to laugh when my baby is gone? Why does it feel so bad to feel even remotely good?
Nine days...it feels like it's been so much longer.
Things are odd feeling; things are different. It's hard to leave the house and come back in again...it feels funny, like I'm forgetting something. I still can't talk to people, or even look them in the eye. But life goes on, I suppose. I laughed yesterday. It felt funny, even made me feel guilty. Who am I to laugh when my baby is gone? Why does it feel so bad to feel even remotely good?
Nine days...it feels like it's been so much longer.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The proverbial straw...adding insult to injury
You know that saying? The straw that broke the camel's back? Well, it happened yesterday, and I snapped.
I left town for a couple of days, and when I came back, I had a message from my insurance company for me to call them. I did - immediately, because who knows when they called - and the lady was less than compassionate. She began asking really pointed questions....and what it came down to was that the insurance company believes that I had an abortion! WTH? It seems that medical terminolgy catagorizes the death of a "fetus" (I hate that word - this was my BABY!) before birth as an abortion (another word that I fully detest). Mine was classified as a "missed aboration", because I didn't go into labor on my own after Andrew died, and I had to be induced. However, the idiots at my insurance company obviously aren't up-to-date on medical language, and just made horrible assumptions.
I lost it on the phone with this woman. I told her that NOTHING about our situation was voluntary (she actually asked if I had this "procedure" voluntarily!), and that our baby had DIED! And that I had to be induced, go through labor, and deliver my baby! I was so upset, and was bawling on the phone with her the whole time. She finally told me that they would have to call my doctor's office to verify all of this, and she had no more questions for me. Again, WTH? She didn't believe me.
I just hung up. It was too late to call my doctor's office, and I don't think I could have done it anyway. I called Austin and we vented and cried to each other for a while, then I felt better.
I've been remarkably sane feeling since then. I actually slept a bit last night. I hope this is the beginning of the upswing, but I have my doubts. But...only time will tell.
Time. That word has a whole new meaning for me.
I left town for a couple of days, and when I came back, I had a message from my insurance company for me to call them. I did - immediately, because who knows when they called - and the lady was less than compassionate. She began asking really pointed questions....and what it came down to was that the insurance company believes that I had an abortion! WTH? It seems that medical terminolgy catagorizes the death of a "fetus" (I hate that word - this was my BABY!) before birth as an abortion (another word that I fully detest). Mine was classified as a "missed aboration", because I didn't go into labor on my own after Andrew died, and I had to be induced. However, the idiots at my insurance company obviously aren't up-to-date on medical language, and just made horrible assumptions.
I lost it on the phone with this woman. I told her that NOTHING about our situation was voluntary (she actually asked if I had this "procedure" voluntarily!), and that our baby had DIED! And that I had to be induced, go through labor, and deliver my baby! I was so upset, and was bawling on the phone with her the whole time. She finally told me that they would have to call my doctor's office to verify all of this, and she had no more questions for me. Again, WTH? She didn't believe me.
I just hung up. It was too late to call my doctor's office, and I don't think I could have done it anyway. I called Austin and we vented and cried to each other for a while, then I felt better.
I've been remarkably sane feeling since then. I actually slept a bit last night. I hope this is the beginning of the upswing, but I have my doubts. But...only time will tell.
Time. That word has a whole new meaning for me.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
All about Andrew
Austin and I have worked very hard to create a small way to be able to share our baby boy. We have so little of him, and that's hard, because that's all we want to do - share him with the world. So this is our way of being able to do it.
Make sure your speakers are turned on, and visit our baby's own page at http://andrewgordonlewis.blogspot.com/
I tried to set it up not to take comments on Andrew's page, just to keep it exactly as we have it now (I'm not sure that I was able to though), so if you want to comment, please feel free to do it here instead of on his page.
Make sure your speakers are turned on, and visit our baby's own page at http://andrewgordonlewis.blogspot.com/
I tried to set it up not to take comments on Andrew's page, just to keep it exactly as we have it now (I'm not sure that I was able to though), so if you want to comment, please feel free to do it here instead of on his page.
Shattering the silence?
What is it about the calm, silent darkness of 3:00 a.m. that makes me want to get up and start throwing things? I want to make noise....to scream....to break that overwhelming silence that has been invading my head for the hours that I've been lying in bed, awake, and staring at the darkness. Instead, I get up and write. Not quite the release that I'm wanting, but it will have to do. I have sleeping children.
Why can't I go to sleep? Why can't I stop thinking about the ride to cemetary to bury my baby? Why can't I stop thinking, just long enough to sleep, of his silent entrance into the world? I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely pray...and when I try, I can't find words, so all I get out are sobs.
I look at my children that are here, and I am so thankful. And then I cry some more, because I should be MORE grateful. Then I cry even more, because I want more....I want my baby.
I have no more words....I should go back to bed. Jonathan and Annah are there, waiting for me. Jonathan will probably wrap his arms around me....he likes to sleep that way. Maybe I'll be able to doze off for an hour or so...just to take the edge off. To sleep....perchance to dream....maybe good dreams of Andrew.
Why can't I go to sleep? Why can't I stop thinking about the ride to cemetary to bury my baby? Why can't I stop thinking, just long enough to sleep, of his silent entrance into the world? I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely pray...and when I try, I can't find words, so all I get out are sobs.
I look at my children that are here, and I am so thankful. And then I cry some more, because I should be MORE grateful. Then I cry even more, because I want more....I want my baby.
I have no more words....I should go back to bed. Jonathan and Annah are there, waiting for me. Jonathan will probably wrap his arms around me....he likes to sleep that way. Maybe I'll be able to doze off for an hour or so...just to take the edge off. To sleep....perchance to dream....maybe good dreams of Andrew.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Austin's thoughts
This blog isn't just mine anymore, but a mixture of thoughts and feelings from my family. Here are some words from Austin.
This has been a very difficult weekend and I am sorry for not emailing anyone sooner, but I am sure that you all...or as they say in the Southern United States...I'm sure that y'all understand. I have not been able to sleep and so I sat down and decided to write down, in my words, what has happened...what I have experienced. So many of you could not be here with us but maybe you can close your eyes after reading this, take in a deep breath, and feel a little of the joy and sadness that I have. Please forgive me I seem to be rambling!! I love you all very much. - Austin
This has been a very emotionally draining weekend. On October 16, 2008 at 11:04p.m. Andrew Gordon Lewis was born. Sadly we had just found out the day before that he no longer had a heartbeat. The emotional strain and unbelievable grief of knowing that my wife had to endure such terrible news by herself breaks my heart. Knowing that she was by herself with no one to hold her close is almost more than I can bear. My wife called and tried desperately to talk to me on the phone, but because I was deployed to Texas for military training I was unable to talk to her. She left me a message on my voicemail and after two hours, I finally was able to call her back. I can not describe how I felt when I finally heard the news that my son had died.
So many people have offered to help and so many people have tried to say comforting words, but there comes a time when no words can comfort and no offers of assistance can help. I found myself in a situation where I was simultaneously trying to console my wife and considering making plans for the funeral of my son who at that very moment, I was awaiting to hear news that he had been born. The night Andrew was born was a very long night indeed and Stacy and I had a very emotional and joyous experience of being proud parents to a wonderful little baby boy. However, it quickly became apparent that we needed some time alone…time to endure so many emotions. I was flooded with joy at the news of my son’s birth, saddened at the knowledge of his death, and relieved at the safety my wife had been was kept throughout the whole experience. It is a very guilty feeling indeed to feel joy in the middle of such sadness and during such a difficult time.
I was allowed to leave my training in Texas to go home for the funeral. I spent as much time as I could with my family and felt torn between wanting to hold my wife versus wanting to hold my other children. I just didn’t have enough arms to hold them all. Not to mention the fact that I was never able to hold my newborn son. I never got to see him, feel him, smell him or tell him goodbye. By the time I got home, he was already at the funeral home. And as sad as my not being able to see him is to me, I can not comprehend knowing that Stacy had to do it all by herself…without me.
Matthew took the news as best as a 12 year old can and I did my best to explain death to Jonathan and Annah and found myself in completely new territory. I had never planned on having to give such a detailed explanation to a three and four year old about death, but with the aid of a simple sock and my hand, I was able to put into words that they could understand the concept of a body and spirit and what happens when the spirit leaves the body. Unfortunately, I now know that all of my children both understand and comprehend the news of their brother’s death. It is truly a sweet and wonderful experience to stand and watch your children grieve and feel sorrow in such a personal way. And after they had been told about what had happened, our family went to the funeral home to visit Andrew. I stood tall and upheld my Stacy as she leaned on me for support and cried. I did such a terrible job of not being her strength. That moment…more than any other has been etched into my mind, as that was the first time I was able to see my son…in a box…ready to be placed into the ground. The only way that moment can truly be described is by trying to imagine two people having both legs broken and each trying to help the other walk.
Our children were so wonderful at meeting their brother for the first time. They cried and they eagerly asked questions. They especially wanted to know why they couldn’t see Andrew inside the box. Jonathan said several times, “but I want to meet him.” I explained to them that they could talk to him and that he would be able to hear them. Jonathan enjoyed being able to stand next to Andrew’s “little bed” and talk with him. Jonathan told Andrew about toys and playing. Annah also talked to Andrew and it was so sad to see them whisper into Andrew’s little bed. Annah then decided that she wanted to give Andrew a toy to play with and she put a little toy penguin on top of his casket. Jonathan then decided to give Andrew one of his toys too. Poor Matthew reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of chewing gum and very sobbingly said, “This is all I have to give him.” My heart cried for my children…my wife…and my son who was lying in his little bed. I tearfully explained to Matthew that he was not required to leave anything and that we already had a gift to give Andrew that was from our whole family. Stacy and I got a little blue toy blanket and let each of our children love on it, hug it, and kiss it…then Stacy and I gave it to Andrew. Matthew still seemed very upset so I asked him if he wanted to say something in private. He did and as we began to leave the funeral home, Matthew was given some private time to talk to Andrew.
The day of the funeral came and it was very intense indeed. I couldn’t sleep the night before and when I finally did fall a sleep…I didn’t want to get up. But, I did…we all did…and we got dressed, in our Sunday best. We left early to go to the funeral home. Because it was a graveside service only, everyone was to simply meet at the cemetery, but we felt it only fitting that we make the ride with Andrew. Before going to the funeral home we asked some friends of ours, who are at the sheriff’s office, if they would go to the funeral. They not only agreed to be with us but were given permission to drive their Baldwin County patrol cars with us to the funeral while they were on duty since Stacy currently is a deputy sheriff and since I was both a deputy sheriff and a firefighter in Baldwin County. This was very much appreciated since the funeral was going to be held in the next county over. This was a gracious act of permission from the sheriff himself and without having to ask, our two deputy friends decided to turn on their emergency flashing lights and escort us through town all the way to the cemetery.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, our very small procession of 4 cars rolled through town. We soon got to the first traffic light where we noticed that the Milledgeville city police department had sent a car to stop traffic at the first intersection. Stacy and I felt honored to have the little extra help from the police department, especially since Stacy used to work for the police department. But again, it is not unusual for funerals to be escorted, but as we got closer, we realized that the officer who stopped traffic at the intersection wasn’t just some guy. He was someone that Stacy used to work with. We both began to tear up as we knew that this police officer stopping traffic for us was not just doing his job but was performing an act of respect for someone he personally knew. Then as we came to the next intersection, we noticed that more Milledgeville police department patrol cars had stopped traffic with officers standing in the street, and again it was more people that Stacy and I both knew. It was such a wonderful feeling to see them there for us. Then again, at the next intersection a Baldwin County sheriff’s patrol car and a Georgia State patrol car stopped and were out of their cars giving us their attention. I was so moved and we were both now heavily in tears.
I couldn’t imagine a more touching scene until we came to yet another traffic intersection. This time however, it wasn’t the sheriff’s office, police department or state patrol…instead it was the Baldwin County Headquarters fire department blocking the road with all of their fire trucks and lights flashing…the whole shift and headquarters personnel were lining the street. I absolutely lost all composure at this point and cried like a baby. Then as we came to the last intersection in Baldwin County…we saw one more tribute. It was the Cooper’s fire station (this is the fire district that I am a volunteer firefighter) with all of their trucks and again the street was lined by men who came out to show respect and honor one of their own who had lost a child. And as I looked back in my rearview mirror to see the last of the flashing lights drift away…I noticed that several cars had fallen in line with us and followed us all the way to the county line.
We were extended an honor usually reserved only for those who fall in the line of duty and I will never be able to properly say thanks for such an honor. The rest of the drive seemed so surreal and as we pulled into the cemetery, we were greeted one last time by a thin blue line of men in uniform. Men from the 116th Security Force Squadron who drove from Robins Air Force Base to mourn with one of their own. There were so many friends and family and I looked at Stacy and said, “I thought it was going to be just us.” The funeral service was very nice and there wasn’t a dry eye there. Jonathan and Annah had endured a very long trip to the cemetery and by the time we got out of the van they were both ready to play. Jonathan, upon seeing Andrew’s casket noticed the toy he had given to Andrew in the funeral home and decided that he wanted it back. Then he decided that he wanted another toy out of the van. I tried desperately to assist Jonathan as he climbed through the van searching for his other toy. And after he found it he happily walked back to the graveside. I initially tried to calm Jonathan down but quickly decided that it was okay. Jonathan and Annah both ran and played and walked up to Andrew’s little bed in front of everyone during the service. And as the service continued…I watched my children play together for both the first and last time…and my heart rejoiced as I was able to see Jonathan, Annah, and Andrew play together on a beautifully, sunny fall day…surrounded by family and friends.
After the service, Stacy and I stayed behind and we decided to stay until everything was done. We had unfinished business because when Stacy found out she was pregnant, she got a book to read to Andrew on the night he was born. Sadly she never got to read it to him the night he was born, so we decided to read it to him on the day he was buried. And as Stacy read aloud to Andrew the book, we played a song and listened to the words and we enjoyed one last moment together. Then I got down on my knees and picked up my son’s casket and gently placed it into the ground. Stacy then placed on top of it the baby blue blanket given to Andrew from his family and the toy Annah had given to her brother…then we watched as long as we could until the only thing we could see was the gently placed dirt that now covered our son’s little bed.
This has been a very difficult weekend and I am sorry for not emailing anyone sooner, but I am sure that you all...or as they say in the Southern United States...I'm sure that y'all understand. I have not been able to sleep and so I sat down and decided to write down, in my words, what has happened...what I have experienced. So many of you could not be here with us but maybe you can close your eyes after reading this, take in a deep breath, and feel a little of the joy and sadness that I have. Please forgive me I seem to be rambling!! I love you all very much. - Austin
This has been a very emotionally draining weekend. On October 16, 2008 at 11:04p.m. Andrew Gordon Lewis was born. Sadly we had just found out the day before that he no longer had a heartbeat. The emotional strain and unbelievable grief of knowing that my wife had to endure such terrible news by herself breaks my heart. Knowing that she was by herself with no one to hold her close is almost more than I can bear. My wife called and tried desperately to talk to me on the phone, but because I was deployed to Texas for military training I was unable to talk to her. She left me a message on my voicemail and after two hours, I finally was able to call her back. I can not describe how I felt when I finally heard the news that my son had died.
So many people have offered to help and so many people have tried to say comforting words, but there comes a time when no words can comfort and no offers of assistance can help. I found myself in a situation where I was simultaneously trying to console my wife and considering making plans for the funeral of my son who at that very moment, I was awaiting to hear news that he had been born. The night Andrew was born was a very long night indeed and Stacy and I had a very emotional and joyous experience of being proud parents to a wonderful little baby boy. However, it quickly became apparent that we needed some time alone…time to endure so many emotions. I was flooded with joy at the news of my son’s birth, saddened at the knowledge of his death, and relieved at the safety my wife had been was kept throughout the whole experience. It is a very guilty feeling indeed to feel joy in the middle of such sadness and during such a difficult time.
I was allowed to leave my training in Texas to go home for the funeral. I spent as much time as I could with my family and felt torn between wanting to hold my wife versus wanting to hold my other children. I just didn’t have enough arms to hold them all. Not to mention the fact that I was never able to hold my newborn son. I never got to see him, feel him, smell him or tell him goodbye. By the time I got home, he was already at the funeral home. And as sad as my not being able to see him is to me, I can not comprehend knowing that Stacy had to do it all by herself…without me.
Matthew took the news as best as a 12 year old can and I did my best to explain death to Jonathan and Annah and found myself in completely new territory. I had never planned on having to give such a detailed explanation to a three and four year old about death, but with the aid of a simple sock and my hand, I was able to put into words that they could understand the concept of a body and spirit and what happens when the spirit leaves the body. Unfortunately, I now know that all of my children both understand and comprehend the news of their brother’s death. It is truly a sweet and wonderful experience to stand and watch your children grieve and feel sorrow in such a personal way. And after they had been told about what had happened, our family went to the funeral home to visit Andrew. I stood tall and upheld my Stacy as she leaned on me for support and cried. I did such a terrible job of not being her strength. That moment…more than any other has been etched into my mind, as that was the first time I was able to see my son…in a box…ready to be placed into the ground. The only way that moment can truly be described is by trying to imagine two people having both legs broken and each trying to help the other walk.
Our children were so wonderful at meeting their brother for the first time. They cried and they eagerly asked questions. They especially wanted to know why they couldn’t see Andrew inside the box. Jonathan said several times, “but I want to meet him.” I explained to them that they could talk to him and that he would be able to hear them. Jonathan enjoyed being able to stand next to Andrew’s “little bed” and talk with him. Jonathan told Andrew about toys and playing. Annah also talked to Andrew and it was so sad to see them whisper into Andrew’s little bed. Annah then decided that she wanted to give Andrew a toy to play with and she put a little toy penguin on top of his casket. Jonathan then decided to give Andrew one of his toys too. Poor Matthew reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of chewing gum and very sobbingly said, “This is all I have to give him.” My heart cried for my children…my wife…and my son who was lying in his little bed. I tearfully explained to Matthew that he was not required to leave anything and that we already had a gift to give Andrew that was from our whole family. Stacy and I got a little blue toy blanket and let each of our children love on it, hug it, and kiss it…then Stacy and I gave it to Andrew. Matthew still seemed very upset so I asked him if he wanted to say something in private. He did and as we began to leave the funeral home, Matthew was given some private time to talk to Andrew.
The day of the funeral came and it was very intense indeed. I couldn’t sleep the night before and when I finally did fall a sleep…I didn’t want to get up. But, I did…we all did…and we got dressed, in our Sunday best. We left early to go to the funeral home. Because it was a graveside service only, everyone was to simply meet at the cemetery, but we felt it only fitting that we make the ride with Andrew. Before going to the funeral home we asked some friends of ours, who are at the sheriff’s office, if they would go to the funeral. They not only agreed to be with us but were given permission to drive their Baldwin County patrol cars with us to the funeral while they were on duty since Stacy currently is a deputy sheriff and since I was both a deputy sheriff and a firefighter in Baldwin County. This was very much appreciated since the funeral was going to be held in the next county over. This was a gracious act of permission from the sheriff himself and without having to ask, our two deputy friends decided to turn on their emergency flashing lights and escort us through town all the way to the cemetery.
As we pulled out of the parking lot, our very small procession of 4 cars rolled through town. We soon got to the first traffic light where we noticed that the Milledgeville city police department had sent a car to stop traffic at the first intersection. Stacy and I felt honored to have the little extra help from the police department, especially since Stacy used to work for the police department. But again, it is not unusual for funerals to be escorted, but as we got closer, we realized that the officer who stopped traffic at the intersection wasn’t just some guy. He was someone that Stacy used to work with. We both began to tear up as we knew that this police officer stopping traffic for us was not just doing his job but was performing an act of respect for someone he personally knew. Then as we came to the next intersection, we noticed that more Milledgeville police department patrol cars had stopped traffic with officers standing in the street, and again it was more people that Stacy and I both knew. It was such a wonderful feeling to see them there for us. Then again, at the next intersection a Baldwin County sheriff’s patrol car and a Georgia State patrol car stopped and were out of their cars giving us their attention. I was so moved and we were both now heavily in tears.
I couldn’t imagine a more touching scene until we came to yet another traffic intersection. This time however, it wasn’t the sheriff’s office, police department or state patrol…instead it was the Baldwin County Headquarters fire department blocking the road with all of their fire trucks and lights flashing…the whole shift and headquarters personnel were lining the street. I absolutely lost all composure at this point and cried like a baby. Then as we came to the last intersection in Baldwin County…we saw one more tribute. It was the Cooper’s fire station (this is the fire district that I am a volunteer firefighter) with all of their trucks and again the street was lined by men who came out to show respect and honor one of their own who had lost a child. And as I looked back in my rearview mirror to see the last of the flashing lights drift away…I noticed that several cars had fallen in line with us and followed us all the way to the county line.
We were extended an honor usually reserved only for those who fall in the line of duty and I will never be able to properly say thanks for such an honor. The rest of the drive seemed so surreal and as we pulled into the cemetery, we were greeted one last time by a thin blue line of men in uniform. Men from the 116th Security Force Squadron who drove from Robins Air Force Base to mourn with one of their own. There were so many friends and family and I looked at Stacy and said, “I thought it was going to be just us.” The funeral service was very nice and there wasn’t a dry eye there. Jonathan and Annah had endured a very long trip to the cemetery and by the time we got out of the van they were both ready to play. Jonathan, upon seeing Andrew’s casket noticed the toy he had given to Andrew in the funeral home and decided that he wanted it back. Then he decided that he wanted another toy out of the van. I tried desperately to assist Jonathan as he climbed through the van searching for his other toy. And after he found it he happily walked back to the graveside. I initially tried to calm Jonathan down but quickly decided that it was okay. Jonathan and Annah both ran and played and walked up to Andrew’s little bed in front of everyone during the service. And as the service continued…I watched my children play together for both the first and last time…and my heart rejoiced as I was able to see Jonathan, Annah, and Andrew play together on a beautifully, sunny fall day…surrounded by family and friends.
After the service, Stacy and I stayed behind and we decided to stay until everything was done. We had unfinished business because when Stacy found out she was pregnant, she got a book to read to Andrew on the night he was born. Sadly she never got to read it to him the night he was born, so we decided to read it to him on the day he was buried. And as Stacy read aloud to Andrew the book, we played a song and listened to the words and we enjoyed one last moment together. Then I got down on my knees and picked up my son’s casket and gently placed it into the ground. Stacy then placed on top of it the baby blue blanket given to Andrew from his family and the toy Annah had given to her brother…then we watched as long as we could until the only thing we could see was the gently placed dirt that now covered our son’s little bed.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Godspeed, little man
My son's funeral was today; although there were many, many joys of the day, I think I can honestly say that it's been the worst day of my life.
We only had a graveside service for Andrew, so we had the option to just meet at the cemetery, but I felt that making the drive with him was the thing to do. We met at the funeral home early, and a couple of my closest friends from the Sheriff's Office (Jennifer and Shanon) were there to give us an escort to the cemetary. (It was a bit different than the normal escort we give to the public, because the cemetary that we were going to was outside of our county, and we normally don't do that - but this was a special situation for my department because of us.)
Anyway, we spent a little more time with Andrew at the funeral home, said some private goodbyes, and got ready to leave. When we got on the road, I was flooded with emotion. Every intersection we came to, and I mean each and every one, was filled with City of Milledgeville police cars, Baldwin County Sheriff's Office patrol cars, Georgia State Patrol cars, and Baldwin County Fire Department trucks, each with their lights flashing. Many had their drivers outside, standing at attention, honoring us and my baby boy as we passed. I felt so loved and respected, and Austin was filled with the same emotions. The tears flowed freely from both of us.
It was a long drive to the cemetary, almost an hour. The little kids were tired before we got there, but they handled it well. When we got there, there were cars everywhere, and I had not realized just how many close friends and family would be there. Austin's Air Force family was there showing their concern for us as well. We parked the van, and waited as they unloaded my baby's tiny casket from the car. When things were settled, we got out and got seated. Jonathan and Annah wanted to play, and we didn't stop them from getting up and walking around Andrew's casket during the service.
The bishop did a great job as he talked about eternal families. He read a letter that his wife had written to us, a letter written from Andrew's perspective. It was very lovely and filled me with love and with pain as he read it aloud. His wife later gave us a framed copy of it.
The service was short, but Austin was given a chance to speak briefly, and it was beautiful. We sang "I am a child of God," then Andrew's grave was dedicated by one of our closest family friends. Then it was over. The public part anyway.
We said our goodbyes to everyone, and spoke to the funeral director about what we wanted to do next. After everyone left, we got the CD player out and played "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)," as we read a book called "On the night you were born" to Andrew. I bought it right after we found out we were pregnant, and it's been sitting there, waiting to be read. Since we'll never have the chance to read it to him in life, I thought it was appropriate to do there, while his spirit was still present with us.
We said our goodbyes to our baby boy, and Austin placed him into his final resting place. Then I put his puppy blanky on top of his casket, along with Annah's little penguin (Jonathan recinded his gift at the last minute, but that was okay - it was complete the thought that counts and I'm so impressed with my boy for even offering his new toy to his brother), and we watched as he was covered and the flowers were placed on top. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
My baby is gone. It's hard to move past that, and I'm not sure how to do it. Comments like "It was for the best" and "You can move on now" are utterly absurd, and I get angry every time I hear the words. I'm trying very hard to get a handle on myself, but I'm not doing a very good job.
During family prayer tonight, Annah prayed that "Mommy would be able to stop crying." It broke my heart all over, especially because I don't know if I WANT to stop crying, and I know it hurts her to see it.
Anyway, Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams, and I love you.
We only had a graveside service for Andrew, so we had the option to just meet at the cemetery, but I felt that making the drive with him was the thing to do. We met at the funeral home early, and a couple of my closest friends from the Sheriff's Office (Jennifer and Shanon) were there to give us an escort to the cemetary. (It was a bit different than the normal escort we give to the public, because the cemetary that we were going to was outside of our county, and we normally don't do that - but this was a special situation for my department because of us.)
Anyway, we spent a little more time with Andrew at the funeral home, said some private goodbyes, and got ready to leave. When we got on the road, I was flooded with emotion. Every intersection we came to, and I mean each and every one, was filled with City of Milledgeville police cars, Baldwin County Sheriff's Office patrol cars, Georgia State Patrol cars, and Baldwin County Fire Department trucks, each with their lights flashing. Many had their drivers outside, standing at attention, honoring us and my baby boy as we passed. I felt so loved and respected, and Austin was filled with the same emotions. The tears flowed freely from both of us.
It was a long drive to the cemetary, almost an hour. The little kids were tired before we got there, but they handled it well. When we got there, there were cars everywhere, and I had not realized just how many close friends and family would be there. Austin's Air Force family was there showing their concern for us as well. We parked the van, and waited as they unloaded my baby's tiny casket from the car. When things were settled, we got out and got seated. Jonathan and Annah wanted to play, and we didn't stop them from getting up and walking around Andrew's casket during the service.
The bishop did a great job as he talked about eternal families. He read a letter that his wife had written to us, a letter written from Andrew's perspective. It was very lovely and filled me with love and with pain as he read it aloud. His wife later gave us a framed copy of it.
The service was short, but Austin was given a chance to speak briefly, and it was beautiful. We sang "I am a child of God," then Andrew's grave was dedicated by one of our closest family friends. Then it was over. The public part anyway.
We said our goodbyes to everyone, and spoke to the funeral director about what we wanted to do next. After everyone left, we got the CD player out and played "Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)," as we read a book called "On the night you were born" to Andrew. I bought it right after we found out we were pregnant, and it's been sitting there, waiting to be read. Since we'll never have the chance to read it to him in life, I thought it was appropriate to do there, while his spirit was still present with us.
We said our goodbyes to our baby boy, and Austin placed him into his final resting place. Then I put his puppy blanky on top of his casket, along with Annah's little penguin (Jonathan recinded his gift at the last minute, but that was okay - it was complete the thought that counts and I'm so impressed with my boy for even offering his new toy to his brother), and we watched as he was covered and the flowers were placed on top. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
My baby is gone. It's hard to move past that, and I'm not sure how to do it. Comments like "It was for the best" and "You can move on now" are utterly absurd, and I get angry every time I hear the words. I'm trying very hard to get a handle on myself, but I'm not doing a very good job.
During family prayer tonight, Annah prayed that "Mommy would be able to stop crying." It broke my heart all over, especially because I don't know if I WANT to stop crying, and I know it hurts her to see it.
Anyway, Godspeed, little man. Sweet dreams, and I love you.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
More tears
Just when I thought my tears were starting to dry, a fresh new batch started; we went to the funeral home this afternoon. To walk in and see a tiny white casket, to know that my baby's body is inside...it was more than I could take, and I broke down. I'm glad that Austin and I went in first; it gave me a moment to just let it out.
Austin and I had gone into town earlier and together we'd picked out a stuffed animal blanky for Andrew, and we took that in with us. The kids came in, and Matthew broke down as well. Jonathan and Annah were very curious, and Jonathan really wanted to see Andrew. Austin and I explained to him that we couldn't see him, but we could talk to him if we wanted. Austin let Jonathan go up and talk to his brother, and Jonathan was very sweet. He told Andrew that he wished he could meet him and that he loved him.
We talked to the kids about the blankey we'd picked out, and everyone hugged it and kissed it and we all put it on top of Andrew's little bed. Then Annah, completely on her own, decided that she wanted to leave her new pink penguin toy with Andrew, and Jonathan agreed that it was a great idea, (I later learned that Jonathan brought this up to begin earlier, while in the car with MaLew - so it was his idea to begin with, I think) and left his brand new Star Wars figure on top of the casket. We ended our visit with a family prayer, our family of six, all together for the first and last time.
I left there feeling overwhelmed, angry, and hurting all over again, but with a heart full of joy because of the kindness of my children. I'm happy that we could have family prayer together, and I am very thankful that my family recognizes that Andrew will always have a place with us, regardless of where his spirit dwells.
Austin and I had gone into town earlier and together we'd picked out a stuffed animal blanky for Andrew, and we took that in with us. The kids came in, and Matthew broke down as well. Jonathan and Annah were very curious, and Jonathan really wanted to see Andrew. Austin and I explained to him that we couldn't see him, but we could talk to him if we wanted. Austin let Jonathan go up and talk to his brother, and Jonathan was very sweet. He told Andrew that he wished he could meet him and that he loved him.
We talked to the kids about the blankey we'd picked out, and everyone hugged it and kissed it and we all put it on top of Andrew's little bed. Then Annah, completely on her own, decided that she wanted to leave her new pink penguin toy with Andrew, and Jonathan agreed that it was a great idea, (I later learned that Jonathan brought this up to begin earlier, while in the car with MaLew - so it was his idea to begin with, I think) and left his brand new Star Wars figure on top of the casket. We ended our visit with a family prayer, our family of six, all together for the first and last time.
I left there feeling overwhelmed, angry, and hurting all over again, but with a heart full of joy because of the kindness of my children. I'm happy that we could have family prayer together, and I am very thankful that my family recognizes that Andrew will always have a place with us, regardless of where his spirit dwells.
Andrew
The last few days have been a whirlwind of disappointment, anger, unbelief, and most of all, pain. I haven't blogged about it, as we had not told everyone, for various reasons, but we are pregnant. Or we were; not anymore.
At not far under 20 weeks, it's hard to believe that this kind of thing happens. But obviously it does. This is no longer a small developing bean; it's a baby. Really, because I could see it on the ultrasound. What we couldn't see is the baby's heartbeat.
I should back up and start at the beginning though. The last week or so, I've had a feeling I couldn't shake; an odd feeling, that can only be described as Mother's Intuition. (One of the doctor's in my practice told her medical student during this whole mess is that the only thing "for sure" in Obstetrics is a mother's instincts.) But I'm rambling, as I tend to do sometimes. Anyway, I went into the doctor's office this past Wednesday morning and told them that I was very stressed out, that I wasn't feeling right, and could they please just see me. They were very kind and worked me in with the nurse practitioner right then. The NP had a medical student with her, and both were very kind. The hopped right on the "let's hear that heartbeat and make you feel better" train. But it didn't happen. They both tried over and over to find the baby's heartbeat, but the couldn't, so they called one of the doctors in, and she couldn't find it either. After that I was taken to the ultrasound room, where it was confirmed that our baby's heart was no longer beating.
The kind of news, in and of itself, is hard to take. The fact that I was in that little room all alone, with only four strangers to hold my hand, made it harder. After a lot of crying, I composed myself a bit; at least enough to listen to the doctor's words; I had to be induced and deliver this baby. She also said that we also wouldn't be able to tell if the baby was a boy or girl.
And who goes to the hospital to have a baby and comes home without one? I've never even been able to imagine the grief a person goes through in that. But now it was my turn to live it. I tried calling Austin, but with him in class at Lackland AFB in Texas, getting him on the phone isn't always easy. I left him a voicemail to call me. When he finally did, almost two hours later, I hated that he had. How do you tell this kind of thing to someone over the phone?
He took it okay; he was upset, but his first concern was for me. I gave him the details and our options (which weren't really many as far as WHAT to do, only WHEN to do it) and we had to hang up so he could go back to class. We talked several times throughout the afternoon, and within a few hours, both my mom and his mom were helping out.
After a very long day and night, on Wednesday, I was able to talk to my doctor Thursday morning. He was very kind and reassured me that everything would be okay afterwards, physically anyway. I made the decision, with Austin completely backing me, that I would go ahead and be induced on Thursday afternoon. My hope was that the baby would be born that evening, well before midnight - as Annah's birthday was the next day. I got myself checked into the hospital, and things got started. My induction itself was pretty familiar...I've was induced my three previous deliveries. But as the time went on, it became harder and harder, both physcially and emotionally.
My contractions started really hard around 10 p.m., and I made the decision not to have any pain medication; I wanted to be completely alert and 100% there during the delivery. The contractions were just as hard and frequent as all my other deliveries, and I'm proud now that I can say I had a natural birth. However, the doctor had been wrong - it was very obvious that we could tell if it was a girl or boy. Andrew Gordon Lewis was born at 11:04 p.m. on Thursday, October 16, 2008. He weighed 2.3 ozs., and was 6 1/2 inches long.
I had two wonderful nurses, Christy and Lorane, who stayed with me the entire time of the labor and delivery. Lorane wrapped her arms around me and told me I was so strong. She also called the next day to check on me. Christy was open and honest about what would happen after the baby was born, and did all that she could to make me comfortable. More importantly, she treated Andrew's little body with the respect and care he deserved. I was able to hold him and take some pictures, and she took some pictures of us together. She even brought him back to me the next morning so I could say goodbye one last time before the funeral home picked him up.
I wound up having to have surgery to stop my bleeding; turns out that I was a little stubborn and took too long holding baby Andrew, and I bled a bit much. I was taken down to surgery, where my doctor performed a D&C. I'm fine, physically. There was some talk about me needing a blood transfusion, but things worked out okay, and I didn't have to go there, thankfully.
I was able to feel a lot of peace holding Andrew and looking at his perfect little body; he was so beautiful. I'm thankful for the knowledge that families can be eternal. Andrew was perfect, in both body and spirit, and I know that one day, we will be together again.
No mother should ever have to plan her child's funeral. But we have. Andrew's services will be Monday morning, October 20, at 11:00 a.m. He will be buried with my grandparents and great-grandparents.
Austin was able to get leave, and flew in from Texas early yesterday morning. We've been able to spend some time together and talk. The other kids have handled things pretty well. Matthew is taking things okay...we kept him in the know from the beginning. We told Jonathan and Annah today, and while Annah is still too young to really understand, Jonathan did. He kept telling us, "But I want to meet him!" It was hard...one of the hardest things I've ever had to do as a mother. This afternoon we'll take our children to see their brother's casket, and to make the final arrangements for Andrew.
I said it in a very recent post; life is short. Unfortunately, I just didn't realize how short it truly is.
At not far under 20 weeks, it's hard to believe that this kind of thing happens. But obviously it does. This is no longer a small developing bean; it's a baby. Really, because I could see it on the ultrasound. What we couldn't see is the baby's heartbeat.
I should back up and start at the beginning though. The last week or so, I've had a feeling I couldn't shake; an odd feeling, that can only be described as Mother's Intuition. (One of the doctor's in my practice told her medical student during this whole mess is that the only thing "for sure" in Obstetrics is a mother's instincts.) But I'm rambling, as I tend to do sometimes. Anyway, I went into the doctor's office this past Wednesday morning and told them that I was very stressed out, that I wasn't feeling right, and could they please just see me. They were very kind and worked me in with the nurse practitioner right then. The NP had a medical student with her, and both were very kind. The hopped right on the "let's hear that heartbeat and make you feel better" train. But it didn't happen. They both tried over and over to find the baby's heartbeat, but the couldn't, so they called one of the doctors in, and she couldn't find it either. After that I was taken to the ultrasound room, where it was confirmed that our baby's heart was no longer beating.
The kind of news, in and of itself, is hard to take. The fact that I was in that little room all alone, with only four strangers to hold my hand, made it harder. After a lot of crying, I composed myself a bit; at least enough to listen to the doctor's words; I had to be induced and deliver this baby. She also said that we also wouldn't be able to tell if the baby was a boy or girl.
And who goes to the hospital to have a baby and comes home without one? I've never even been able to imagine the grief a person goes through in that. But now it was my turn to live it. I tried calling Austin, but with him in class at Lackland AFB in Texas, getting him on the phone isn't always easy. I left him a voicemail to call me. When he finally did, almost two hours later, I hated that he had. How do you tell this kind of thing to someone over the phone?
He took it okay; he was upset, but his first concern was for me. I gave him the details and our options (which weren't really many as far as WHAT to do, only WHEN to do it) and we had to hang up so he could go back to class. We talked several times throughout the afternoon, and within a few hours, both my mom and his mom were helping out.
After a very long day and night, on Wednesday, I was able to talk to my doctor Thursday morning. He was very kind and reassured me that everything would be okay afterwards, physically anyway. I made the decision, with Austin completely backing me, that I would go ahead and be induced on Thursday afternoon. My hope was that the baby would be born that evening, well before midnight - as Annah's birthday was the next day. I got myself checked into the hospital, and things got started. My induction itself was pretty familiar...I've was induced my three previous deliveries. But as the time went on, it became harder and harder, both physcially and emotionally.
My contractions started really hard around 10 p.m., and I made the decision not to have any pain medication; I wanted to be completely alert and 100% there during the delivery. The contractions were just as hard and frequent as all my other deliveries, and I'm proud now that I can say I had a natural birth. However, the doctor had been wrong - it was very obvious that we could tell if it was a girl or boy. Andrew Gordon Lewis was born at 11:04 p.m. on Thursday, October 16, 2008. He weighed 2.3 ozs., and was 6 1/2 inches long.
I had two wonderful nurses, Christy and Lorane, who stayed with me the entire time of the labor and delivery. Lorane wrapped her arms around me and told me I was so strong. She also called the next day to check on me. Christy was open and honest about what would happen after the baby was born, and did all that she could to make me comfortable. More importantly, she treated Andrew's little body with the respect and care he deserved. I was able to hold him and take some pictures, and she took some pictures of us together. She even brought him back to me the next morning so I could say goodbye one last time before the funeral home picked him up.
I wound up having to have surgery to stop my bleeding; turns out that I was a little stubborn and took too long holding baby Andrew, and I bled a bit much. I was taken down to surgery, where my doctor performed a D&C. I'm fine, physically. There was some talk about me needing a blood transfusion, but things worked out okay, and I didn't have to go there, thankfully.
I was able to feel a lot of peace holding Andrew and looking at his perfect little body; he was so beautiful. I'm thankful for the knowledge that families can be eternal. Andrew was perfect, in both body and spirit, and I know that one day, we will be together again.
No mother should ever have to plan her child's funeral. But we have. Andrew's services will be Monday morning, October 20, at 11:00 a.m. He will be buried with my grandparents and great-grandparents.
Austin was able to get leave, and flew in from Texas early yesterday morning. We've been able to spend some time together and talk. The other kids have handled things pretty well. Matthew is taking things okay...we kept him in the know from the beginning. We told Jonathan and Annah today, and while Annah is still too young to really understand, Jonathan did. He kept telling us, "But I want to meet him!" It was hard...one of the hardest things I've ever had to do as a mother. This afternoon we'll take our children to see their brother's casket, and to make the final arrangements for Andrew.
I said it in a very recent post; life is short. Unfortunately, I just didn't realize how short it truly is.
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