More tears

Just when I thought my tears were starting to dry, a fresh new batch started; we went to the funeral home this afternoon. To walk in and see a tiny white casket, to know that my baby's body is inside...it was more than I could take, and I broke down. I'm glad that Austin and I went in first; it gave me a moment to just let it out.

Austin and I had gone into town earlier and together we'd picked out a stuffed animal blanky for Andrew, and we took that in with us. The kids came in, and Matthew broke down as well. Jonathan and Annah were very curious, and Jonathan really wanted to see Andrew. Austin and I explained to him that we couldn't see him, but we could talk to him if we wanted. Austin let Jonathan go up and talk to his brother, and Jonathan was very sweet. He told Andrew that he wished he could meet him and that he loved him.

We talked to the kids about the blankey we'd picked out, and everyone hugged it and kissed it and we all put it on top of Andrew's little bed. Then Annah, completely on her own, decided that she wanted to leave her new pink penguin toy with Andrew, and Jonathan agreed that it was a great idea, (I later learned that Jonathan brought this up to begin earlier, while in the car with MaLew - so it was his idea to begin with, I think) and left his brand new Star Wars figure on top of the casket. We ended our visit with a family prayer, our family of six, all together for the first and last time.

I left there feeling overwhelmed, angry, and hurting all over again, but with a heart full of joy because of the kindness of my children. I'm happy that we could have family prayer together, and I am very thankful that my family recognizes that Andrew will always have a place with us, regardless of where his spirit dwells.