What is it about the calm, silent darkness of 3:00 a.m. that makes me want to get up and start throwing things? I want to make noise....to scream....to break that overwhelming silence that has been invading my head for the hours that I've been lying in bed, awake, and staring at the darkness. Instead, I get up and write. Not quite the release that I'm wanting, but it will have to do. I have sleeping children.
Why can't I go to sleep? Why can't I stop thinking about the ride to cemetary to bury my baby? Why can't I stop thinking, just long enough to sleep, of his silent entrance into the world? I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can barely pray...and when I try, I can't find words, so all I get out are sobs.
I look at my children that are here, and I am so thankful. And then I cry some more, because I should be MORE grateful. Then I cry even more, because I want more....I want my baby.
I have no more words....I should go back to bed. Jonathan and Annah are there, waiting for me. Jonathan will probably wrap his arms around me....he likes to sleep that way. Maybe I'll be able to doze off for an hour or so...just to take the edge off. To sleep....perchance to dream....maybe good dreams of Andrew.
6 comments:
Stacy, even if all you can do is to cry to our Heavenly Father...He knows and understands what's in your heart.
I love you and my heart hurts for you. You and your family have been in my family's prayers. I love you.
I don't have any words of comfort but I want you to know you're still in my thoughts and prayers.
Stacy, please call me when you feel up to it. Love you!
I hope that sleep comes and with it sweet wonderful dreams that bring comfort.
Stacy – I weep for you and your family now in you time of loss. I had a similar experience 4 years ago, I went in for a check up and there wasn’t a heart beat. I was 13 weeks. I’m not going to tell you that time will heal the pain, it only eases it. I can tell you to take comfort in your faith, to know one day you will hold you baby again in heaven and you will never have to let him go. Also that he gets to live with Jesus and play with angles
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