Would you like some cheese with that whine?

I have come to realize that I have become somewhat of a complainer. Sorry about that. I just realized it, so if it takes me a while to revert back to NOT complaining so much, please forgive me. I don't try to complain, really I don't. There are people here, and all over the place, who have it way worse than I do, and they don't whine, so what gives me the right? So instead, I am going to focus on the blessings I have.
1. Health. Okay, so it's not the greatest, but I am able to be alert and active (for the most part) and do things with my family. I am not stuck in a wheelchair, and I can get up and move at will. Since I WAS in a wheelchair some while I had chemotherapy, I can make this comparison well, and let me tell you it stinks. So being able to walk and move is great. I can carry Jacob and I can play with the other kids. I can stand and make meals for my family. I can do most everything a normal person does.
2. Family. They are so wonderful. Every single person in my family loves me and I love them, and that is the biggest blessing I have. To try and describe the blessings of having my family is impossible, so I'll leave it at this. Mine is better than yours. Gotta be. :)
3. Nature. Have you looked outside lately? Yes, it was 80 degrees last week in December. And although that's not the optimal temperature, it's still beautiful. Today the sun is shining and it's cold, and I only have a block to walk to get to Hollings from Hope Lodge, so I'll enjoy it.
That's only three things. But it's three good things, and three things I'm not complaining about. So it's a start.

I don't think. Or I try not to.

Another friend went home from Hope Lodge. He finished his radiation treatments from his inoperable brain tumor. It's not a cure, it just buys him some time. Another reason to hate cancer. He's such a nice guy, and I bet a great dad and husband. He put Jacob's Christmas tricycle together for me. I just can't help but think that in a few months or a year, he'll be gone. And that's just too depressing to think about. So I don't. Just as with me and what could happen, I don't think. I just don't. It's easier and it doesn't hurt as much.

I hate cancer

I hate cancer. I hate it now even more than I did before coming to Hope Lodge. I've developed friendships here that are difficult ones, ones that won't last. Not because we won't willingly keep in touch, but because some of us won't be able to. A friend went home last week; tonight she came back to visit us. Unfortunately after she got home, some problems came up and she was sent back to MUSC for some tests - unrelated to her primary cancer - on her liver. Cancer? Not sure yet. TBut what we are sure of is that we'll spend every day for the rest of our lives wondering if we'll get cancer again, as a recurrence or as a new development. There are people here that have gone through this more than once, for more than one type of cancer. Out of 17 Hope Lodge residents, I know of two for certain that have had multiple types of cancer. That just sucks. One of the volunteers was telling us today how she beat stage 4 colon cancer five years ago. She's 70 now. And while everyone else was smiling and congratulating her, I was crying. Because I'm 35 and I don't want to have to worry about cancer for the rest of my life. I hate it. And today I hate it just a little more.