Halloween 2009

Halloween was a lot more fun this year than last. I actually enjoyed myself, which is great, because Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. (I have this hope that one day Austin and I will dress up, but I'm not holding my breath...Austin isn't much for celebrating.)

Anyway, costumes varied this year; normally I like to do matching costumes for the kids, but I let them chose this year, and it was great. Matthew was a "punk skater" (whatever that is), Jonathan was Darth Vadar, Annah was Cinderella, and Jacob was a frog!

We went to the pumpkin patch a couple of weeks back, but didn't buy a pumpkin there...too long before Halloween for it to go bad. But we enjoyed looking at them all there, and taking pictures.

We did carve a few pumpkins for my mom's halloween party, and took them for the pumpkin carving contest. Annah even one 1st place...and no, it wasn't fixed! ;)

Anyway, on the Friday before Halloween, Annah's daycare class went Trick or Treating downtown, so we tagged along, even though technically Annah isn't enrolled at the daycare right now. And boy did she have a blast!

And of course, Jacob was tagging along...

All in all, the Halloween holiday has been great. Now bring on Thanksgiving and Christmas....no, wait. I'm in no rush at all for any of my babies to grow up.

The pickle

Before Annah was born, I happened up on a beautiful ivory colored security blanket with a teddy bear head attached to it, and immediately bought it and had it monogrammed with her name. Later, I bought a second one because Annah loved it so much, and it frequently needed washing. She toddled around everywhere with it, got it into everything, wiped her nose on it, and even took professional pictures with it.

A couple of years went by, and "Baby" was still a constant at Annah's side. One day, Austin and I were having a conversation about "Baby" and Annah's love for her, and I expressed how much I enjoyed and loved seeing her with her little lovey. Austin's reply was amusing, and has stayed in my head since; he said that I could have shoved anything at her over and over and she would have gotten attached to it, and that it could have just as easily been a pickle.

We've laughed about it time and time again, so this weekend when I told Austin that I'd bought Jacob a pickle, he knew exactly what I was talking about, and he chuckled and smiled. So here's Baby Jacob, hanging on to his very own pickle!

Happy Birthday 4th Annah!

Annah's 3rd birthday is pretty much a blur to me, so I wanted to make sure that this year was great. I asked Annah's opinion on where she wanted her party, and she was pretty firm about wanting the party at Chick-fil-A, which I was completely fine with. Jonathan's last party was at Burger King, and there was a huge storm going on right in the middle of it - which left a lot lacking in the way of fun (and party guests!). So having Annah's party at Chick-fil-A was a sure-fire way of knowing we wouldn't get rained out, since the playground is inside.


Annah's been at home with me for the last six weeks (didn't figure there was much need to spend money on her going to daycare when I could take care of her myself!), so I wasn't sure if people would really come to her party, since she hasn't been around the kids in a while. But several showed up, and I was really glad for her.

She got tons of fun stuff for her birthday, and she was able to have a couple of hours of playtime with the friends that she's been missing lately. I can't believe my princess is four...it blows my mind. She's so grown up now...so big. I'm so thankful to be her mom. I often get funny responses when people find out I have only one girl in a houseful of boys, but one princess in is just fine with me. It makes her all the special!

Happy Birthday, my girl. Love you tons!

(pictures to follow soon)

Happy Birthday Andrew

Today, in celebration of the short life of our son Andrew, our family spent a while at his grave. The six of us. This was Jacob's first visit, and while I know he'll never remember it, it was important to me that we all be there.

Fall is definately here in Georgia, and today it was actually chilly. It reminded me of the days I spent at Andrew's grave in the weeks after his death. I would sit on the cold stones and cry. Today I cried as well, but it was a good feeling to be there with our whole family. I hope Andrew knew that we were there.

Some people may find it slightly morbid that I take pictures of his grave, but it's all I have of him. To have all of my children together, at one spot, means a lot to me. It felt right for the first time in a while.

Annah and I spent some time today making a new flower arrangement (using some of the flowers from a basket that was originally on his grave when he was buried), and Annah picked out a pumpkin to put there in celebration of fall. We put the flowers and the pumpkin in their place, took some pictures, and said some prayers. Then we packed up and headed home.

Happy Birthday Andrew. I love you so much...

The hardest thing I've ever had to do....

...is letting go. And honestly, I still haven't. Today is the one year mark. One year ago today, I sat in my doctor's office alone and was told that my baby no longer had a heartbeat.

It still doesn't seem real. Stuff like that happens to other people, right? Not to me, not to my family. I've spent a year sorting it out, or trying to. I haven't done a very good job. I've felt myself spiraling downward the last week or so...thinking of that day, and the next, when I delivered. Tomorrow is Andrew's birthday; had he been full-term and lived, I'd be having party. Instead I plan to go visit his grave.

I wonder how I look to other people. Can they see the huge hole that's still in my heart? Does it show that I still cry every day? I've had another baby since then...my beautiful Jacob, my wonderful boy who brings me so much hope. But sometimes when I look at him, I feel like I've betrayed Andrew; almost like I tried to replace him. I didn't....my rational mind says that, but sometimes those thought creep up on me and start eating at the still-tender spot where all of Andrew's memories are. And the hurt is there all over again.

In the last year, I've had the occasion to be around several people that have lost loved ones. What I always tell them is this: It NEVER gets better, but it does get easier. Right now, however, that feels like a lie. It's not easier, at least not yet. I hope, in time, it will...but not yet. Right now, my heart still hurts, and my arms still ache because they want to hold him. Jacob has helped that ache a bit, but then the guilt kicks in and it hurts all over again.

For now though, I am trying. I am trying to be a rock, a solid foundation for my family. To take care of the ones I have here, and to focus on bringing us all back together for eternity.

Jacob's photo shoot

I'll have more pictures soon, but for now, here's a few of the pictures I had made of Jacob in his little blessing outfit. He's such a handsome little monkey!

Bad at blogging...

Yep, I've been a slacker lately. Every time I think about getting online to post, I think of how far behind I am, and it makes me put it off a bit longer. But honest...I have an excuse!

It's been a busy month. Jacob has had a really hard time adjusting to life; nursing has not come easy to my boy (and myself this time around). We've struggled with him gaining his birthweight back (he lost a good bit after delivery), but we're finally a few ounces above it now. I think our pediatrician was close to wanting to put him on some formula to supplement his diet, but I stuck it out with breastfeeding, and the results are definately good....we're making it work!

Everyone else is adjusting too. Annah is completely taken with her baby brother, and is such a wonderful helper. She's staying home with me while I'm on maternity leave, so she's around to help out with whatever little things I need (that she can do anyway). She loves to give Baby Jacob his pacifier (which we refer to as his Nuk), and pat him when he cries, just as she's seen me do. It's so wonderful to watch her with him.

Jonathan, on the other hand, really doesn't care a lot. Well, that's not really true...he cares. It just doesn't affect him. He goes about his business like nothing's changed, which is good. He does have his moments though, when he's all about holding Baby Jacob and looking at him lovingly. But if you know Jonathan very well at all, you'll have no trouble realizing those moments don't come super often...but they're great when they do happen!

Matthew loves him like crazy; he wants to hold him all the time, and actually does a pretty good job of it. It's nice to have another set of arms that can actually do the big stuff....like holding him during his screaming fits, while I cook dinner, or help Jonathan or Annah with whatever they need at the moment. I can trust Matthew to pick him up or stand in the kitchen, holding him while I cook or load/unload the dishwasher. He's even asked to change his diaper a few times, but I'm not sure he's ready for that little bit of fun!

We're slowly getting into a routine, and that's nice. Jacob usually gets up about twice every night, so I'm only losing out on about an hour to an hour-and-a-half every night - which is totally do-able. Not sure how I'll do when I have to return to work in November, but right now I'm just enjoying every moment.

Tomorrow my baby will be one months old, and tomorrow he is being receiving his Blessing at church. For those of you that aren't members of our church, a baby blessing is simply a type of prayer said for the baby...normally their first, and it also officially gives the baby a name for the records of our church. It is a very special occasion, much like a Christening in some faiths, and I am so excited for it to happen, for a variety of reasons. I took him to have pictures made in his Blessing outfit on Friday, so I should have those pictures online in a week or so. Can't wait to see them myself!

Anyway, Mi Vida Loca.....my crazy life, but oh, ain't it grand?

More to come...stay tuned!