Austin's thoughts

This blog isn't just mine anymore, but a mixture of thoughts and feelings from my family. Here are some words from Austin.

This has been a very difficult weekend and I am sorry for not emailing anyone sooner, but I am sure that you all...or as they say in the Southern United States...I'm sure that y'all understand. I have not been able to sleep and so I sat down and decided to write down, in my words, what has happened...what I have experienced. So many of you could not be here with us but maybe you can close your eyes after reading this, take in a deep breath, and feel a little of the joy and sadness that I have. Please forgive me I seem to be rambling!! I love you all very much. - Austin




This has been a very emotionally draining weekend. On October 16, 2008 at 11:04p.m. Andrew Gordon Lewis was born. Sadly we had just found out the day before that he no longer had a heartbeat. The emotional strain and unbelievable grief of knowing that my wife had to endure such terrible news by herself breaks my heart. Knowing that she was by herself with no one to hold her close is almost more than I can bear. My wife called and tried desperately to talk to me on the phone, but because I was deployed to Texas for military training I was unable to talk to her. She left me a message on my voicemail and after two hours, I finally was able to call her back. I can not describe how I felt when I finally heard the news that my son had died.

So many people have offered to help and so many people have tried to say comforting words, but there comes a time when no words can comfort and no offers of assistance can help. I found myself in a situation where I was simultaneously trying to console my wife and considering making plans for the funeral of my son who at that very moment, I was awaiting to hear news that he had been born. The night Andrew was born was a very long night indeed and Stacy and I had a very emotional and joyous experience of being proud parents to a wonderful little baby boy. However, it quickly became apparent that we needed some time alone…time to endure so many emotions. I was flooded with joy at the news of my son’s birth, saddened at the knowledge of his death, and relieved at the safety my wife had been was kept throughout the whole experience. It is a very guilty feeling indeed to feel joy in the middle of such sadness and during such a difficult time.

I was allowed to leave my training in Texas to go home for the funeral. I spent as much time as I could with my family and felt torn between wanting to hold my wife versus wanting to hold my other children. I just didn’t have enough arms to hold them all. Not to mention the fact that I was never able to hold my newborn son. I never got to see him, feel him, smell him or tell him goodbye. By the time I got home, he was already at the funeral home. And as sad as my not being able to see him is to me, I can not comprehend knowing that Stacy had to do it all by herself…without me.

Matthew took the news as best as a 12 year old can and I did my best to explain death to Jonathan and Annah and found myself in completely new territory. I had never planned on having to give such a detailed explanation to a three and four year old about death, but with the aid of a simple sock and my hand, I was able to put into words that they could understand the concept of a body and spirit and what happens when the spirit leaves the body. Unfortunately, I now know that all of my children both understand and comprehend the news of their brother’s death. It is truly a sweet and wonderful experience to stand and watch your children grieve and feel sorrow in such a personal way. And after they had been told about what had happened, our family went to the funeral home to visit Andrew. I stood tall and upheld my Stacy as she leaned on me for support and cried. I did such a terrible job of not being her strength. That moment…more than any other has been etched into my mind, as that was the first time I was able to see my son…in a box…ready to be placed into the ground. The only way that moment can truly be described is by trying to imagine two people having both legs broken and each trying to help the other walk.

Our children were so wonderful at meeting their brother for the first time. They cried and they eagerly asked questions. They especially wanted to know why they couldn’t see Andrew inside the box. Jonathan said several times, “but I want to meet him.” I explained to them that they could talk to him and that he would be able to hear them. Jonathan enjoyed being able to stand next to Andrew’s “little bed” and talk with him. Jonathan told Andrew about toys and playing. Annah also talked to Andrew and it was so sad to see them whisper into Andrew’s little bed. Annah then decided that she wanted to give Andrew a toy to play with and she put a little toy penguin on top of his casket. Jonathan then decided to give Andrew one of his toys too. Poor Matthew reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet of chewing gum and very sobbingly said, “This is all I have to give him.” My heart cried for my children…my wife…and my son who was lying in his little bed. I tearfully explained to Matthew that he was not required to leave anything and that we already had a gift to give Andrew that was from our whole family. Stacy and I got a little blue toy blanket and let each of our children love on it, hug it, and kiss it…then Stacy and I gave it to Andrew. Matthew still seemed very upset so I asked him if he wanted to say something in private. He did and as we began to leave the funeral home, Matthew was given some private time to talk to Andrew.

The day of the funeral came and it was very intense indeed. I couldn’t sleep the night before and when I finally did fall a sleep…I didn’t want to get up. But, I did…we all did…and we got dressed, in our Sunday best. We left early to go to the funeral home. Because it was a graveside service only, everyone was to simply meet at the cemetery, but we felt it only fitting that we make the ride with Andrew. Before going to the funeral home we asked some friends of ours, who are at the sheriff’s office, if they would go to the funeral. They not only agreed to be with us but were given permission to drive their Baldwin County patrol cars with us to the funeral while they were on duty since Stacy currently is a deputy sheriff and since I was both a deputy sheriff and a firefighter in Baldwin County. This was very much appreciated since the funeral was going to be held in the next county over. This was a gracious act of permission from the sheriff himself and without having to ask, our two deputy friends decided to turn on their emergency flashing lights and escort us through town all the way to the cemetery.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, our very small procession of 4 cars rolled through town. We soon got to the first traffic light where we noticed that the Milledgeville city police department had sent a car to stop traffic at the first intersection. Stacy and I felt honored to have the little extra help from the police department, especially since Stacy used to work for the police department. But again, it is not unusual for funerals to be escorted, but as we got closer, we realized that the officer who stopped traffic at the intersection wasn’t just some guy. He was someone that Stacy used to work with. We both began to tear up as we knew that this police officer stopping traffic for us was not just doing his job but was performing an act of respect for someone he personally knew. Then as we came to the next intersection, we noticed that more Milledgeville police department patrol cars had stopped traffic with officers standing in the street, and again it was more people that Stacy and I both knew. It was such a wonderful feeling to see them there for us. Then again, at the next intersection a Baldwin County sheriff’s patrol car and a Georgia State patrol car stopped and were out of their cars giving us their attention. I was so moved and we were both now heavily in tears.

I couldn’t imagine a more touching scene until we came to yet another traffic intersection. This time however, it wasn’t the sheriff’s office, police department or state patrol…instead it was the Baldwin County Headquarters fire department blocking the road with all of their fire trucks and lights flashing…the whole shift and headquarters personnel were lining the street. I absolutely lost all composure at this point and cried like a baby. Then as we came to the last intersection in Baldwin County…we saw one more tribute. It was the Cooper’s fire station (this is the fire district that I am a volunteer firefighter) with all of their trucks and again the street was lined by men who came out to show respect and honor one of their own who had lost a child. And as I looked back in my rearview mirror to see the last of the flashing lights drift away…I noticed that several cars had fallen in line with us and followed us all the way to the county line.

We were extended an honor usually reserved only for those who fall in the line of duty and I will never be able to properly say thanks for such an honor. The rest of the drive seemed so surreal and as we pulled into the cemetery, we were greeted one last time by a thin blue line of men in uniform. Men from the 116th Security Force Squadron who drove from Robins Air Force Base to mourn with one of their own. There were so many friends and family and I looked at Stacy and said, “I thought it was going to be just us.” The funeral service was very nice and there wasn’t a dry eye there. Jonathan and Annah had endured a very long trip to the cemetery and by the time we got out of the van they were both ready to play. Jonathan, upon seeing Andrew’s casket noticed the toy he had given to Andrew in the funeral home and decided that he wanted it back. Then he decided that he wanted another toy out of the van. I tried desperately to assist Jonathan as he climbed through the van searching for his other toy. And after he found it he happily walked back to the graveside. I initially tried to calm Jonathan down but quickly decided that it was okay. Jonathan and Annah both ran and played and walked up to Andrew’s little bed in front of everyone during the service. And as the service continued…I watched my children play together for both the first and last time…and my heart rejoiced as I was able to see Jonathan, Annah, and Andrew play together on a beautifully, sunny fall day…surrounded by family and friends.

After the service, Stacy and I stayed behind and we decided to stay until everything was done. We had unfinished business because when Stacy found out she was pregnant, she got a book to read to Andrew on the night he was born. Sadly she never got to read it to him the night he was born, so we decided to read it to him on the day he was buried. And as Stacy read aloud to Andrew the book, we played a song and listened to the words and we enjoyed one last moment together. Then I got down on my knees and picked up my son’s casket and gently placed it into the ground. Stacy then placed on top of it the baby blue blanket given to Andrew from his family and the toy Annah had given to her brother…then we watched as long as we could until the only thing we could see was the gently placed dirt that now covered our son’s little bed.