It's me....I think

I'm back. I think. Okay, physically, I'm back in town from my visit to San Antonio. Austin and I had a great time. I felt more like myself while I was there than I have in the past month. But now I'm home...and I'm trying to figure out just who "me" really is now. Reality set in today...life has to go on. As Austin says, quoting John Wayne, it's time to saddle up.

I don't feel like the same person that I was just four short weeks ago. Four weeks? That's all? It feels like an eternity. In four weeks I have: become a mother for the fourth time, planned and attended the funeral of my son (how the hell did that HAPPEN???), forgotten how to talk to people, forgotten how to take care of my children, forgotten how to clean my house, forgotten how to cook dinner or wash clothes, and just about every single other thing that I've ever done. I've hid at home during church, and I've intentionally not looked at people when I've accidentally ran into them on one of my few outings. I've run away a couple of times - once halfway across the country, ignored phone calls from friends, and generally been a witch. Yeah, I know it....it's not a secret.

So who am I now? I'm not sure. I'm not who I was before. But I'm in the process of finding myself. Or at least the person I am now. I smile less. I look different. I AM different. A part of me is gone, and I don't think that part will ever be there again. A little bit of me died with Andrew. But that doesn't mean that I can't go on living; it's just going to take some time to find out HOW to live...differently now.

Andrew taught us a lot in his time with us; he taught me that life is short, and you never know how much time you'll have. He taught me to love in a way that I never even knew was possible before. He brought my family closer together; he gave us perspective. He was a huge blessing in our lives; one of the best things that's ever happened to us. And I'm grateful; I'm grateful that I'm his mother, that I was able to have him for the time that I did, and that he was special enough to be able to skip this test of life and go back to live with our Father in Heaven.

So I'll go on somehow...I'll figure it out eventually. For life, for love, for my wonderful husband, for my children that are with me. And I'll go on for Andrew, because he'd want me to.