The life and times of the crazy pregnant lady

Okay, so I haven't had any blogging breakdowns lately...want one? Nah. But here's what going on in my life.

On Monday, I had a total panic attack. I'm really not sure why...perhaps because I was feeling just plain rotten. My back and hips were hurting, and suddenly all of my morning sickness seemed to have disappeared. After worrying about the baby all day, I finally called my doctor on Monday afternoon. I wanted to ask if he'd do an ultrasound on Friday at my normal appointment, just so I could see for myself that everything was okay with this little one. But he never called me back.

I spent a good deal of time that night on my knees in prayer, not asking if the baby was okay, but asking to have some kind of comfort in all of this. The next morning, in an unexpected way, that comfort came.

I was teaching a class and my phone rang. I recognized the number as my doctor's office, so I excused myself and took the call in the hallway. It was not my doctor, but one of the nurses explaining that they wanted to call in a prescription for me, and they needed to know what pharmacy. Why? Because I have a kidney infection.

Now, my first question was, "And you know this how?" I hadn't been in the office for a week and a half, so I was puzzled. It seems that the test results came back, after that whole week. But in any case, it brought me relief. There was a REASON I was feeling so crappy! My morning sickness really hasn't returned, but maybe I'm just lucky like that this time around. However, while I was on the phone with them, I explained all of my worries and frustrations, and they scheduled me for an ultrasound for Friday morning, at my regular appointment.

I wonder if I'm driving them nuts, or if I'm normal and they understand my fears. The latter, I think, and I hope. They've been wonderful with me, and they never show any irritation or anything. I'm grateful for that. Hopefully by my next doctor's visit, they'll be able to pick up the baby's heartbeat on the doppler, and I won't panic quite so much about the unknown.

I wish I could be carefree like so many other pregnant women. I used to be one of them. I used to look at baby clothes in stores and oogle over them; now I pass them by without even a glance, because my heart hurts if I look too hard. I can't bring myself to get too excited, or look too far ahead into the future and make plans, because it might not happen. And it's easier to take the disappointment if I don't get too worked up about it. I know it's horrible, but it's how I am right now.

Anyway, my doctor's appointment is tomorrow morning at 9:30, so I'll update after that. Here's hoping for a heartbeat!